Friday May 2nd 2025
you ever wonder why people lie? is it because they are scared? is it because they are a dishonest with themselves? is it because we don't want people to know the real us? or is it because we simply don't want to tell the truth?
I myself tend to lie about the simplest things not everything just things that I don't want others to know or I just simply don't want to explain. but I am learning that this is not something I can continue doing. I am learning that in order to be able to keep people in my life I have to be completely honest even when the truth hurts even when the truth means giving an explanation.
in the past two weeks I've been placed in spaces that made me question a lot of myself. I've been hurt by people that don't seem to think they have done anything wrong. a lot of time I tend to push aside what others have done to hurt me or every time that someone has not showed up for me but seem to think I have by simply criticizing everything I have done wrong or it not being something THEY would do. people seem to lack the understanding of life... the most simple understanding which is letting everyone be themselves without bashing them afterwards.
in the summer of 2020 I lost a love that I once thought would be mine forever... why you may ask? because I lied to the person... the same person that kept something from me for over 9 months and indicated that it wasn't a lie because I never inquired... I was heart broken! I was in disbelieve that the one person that I trusted with my life had left me down. and trust me I know that I lied about things that we both could've escaped from or simply fixed but that moment when he told me we could no longer be left me shattered.
five years later I am still in love with the same person. I continue make the mistake of running back in hopes that this would one day work. but what I came to understand this week is that it would never be until I fix myself, until I take time to myself and not dedicate it to any other human being.
as I sit in my living room I wonder what everyone else around thinks of me... not because I care but because it seems like some people have put together a narrative of me and I am curious to know what exactly that is.
sometimes I feel like I haven't done enough in life, like I should be doing more but then I remember when I was working three jobs, helping all those around me and still trying to deal with depression with thoughts that nobody probably ever thought I had but I did.
people ask that we reach to those who love us for help when we need it... without seeing that those who "love" us are the ones causing the most pain to us. they hide it all with words they say when speaking about others. they hide it by constantly saying things like you can count on me but never seem to be around when help is needed.
I am taking the next three months to revamp myself. give myself grace. to determine the real me. to stop lying to those who love me and myself. the truth will hurt most. and I think the biggest determination I will have on that is the fact that not everyone will be happy with the new me. the one that says no to going to things she does not want to go to. the one that speaks her mind when everyone else around seems to be questioning her on why? I will no longer sit here and please all those around me just to make them feel better.
I am disconnecting and only participating in what I want to participate in.
