daniela

☥ writing on a constant psychosis

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dni males | 18

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I wish I wasn't afraid of myself.

I wanted to feel something more.

Something more than fear.

I wanted to be something more than the little psychiatric sick girl who needed compassion.

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the rise of fascism has me sleep deprived

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every night i dream of you kissing my forehead and holding my fears for a good night i can sleep on

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my type, i fear

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Sometimes, I see my old bruises in their old spots, and when I realize that there aren't any real bruises in my body anymore, I feel the need to make myself new ones. Not just to remember him and forget for a little my non-physical pain, but to punish myself too. Punish myself because I let a man lay his hands on me.

The only man I've ever loved.

Since then, every day has been the same. I would wake up and read till I got a headache, then, go downstairs and eat as little food as I could with my family, and take my pills in front of them, pushing ten o'clock. Then I'd go back upstairs to my bedroom and smoke a cigarette sitting on the window ledge, looking out onto the lamp-lit streets of my city before I looked up at the moon and held onto the only hope I had of still being close to some sort of peace.

The thought that someday, that same moon I always loved and praised would light a night where I wouldn't be scared, sick or feared. I would be happy.

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