laz getting more violent after the operation.. he doesnt want to. its intrusive and compulsive and it makes him sick to fixate on, but its the only way out. its easier to focus on an idealized fantasy than reality, than how painful just living now is, channel the pain inflicted onto him into something else. it goes against all he wants to believe in. hes a good person, hes always tried to do what he sees is right. nothing about his life, now, could be twisted into 'rightness'. lay down and take it, let him tear out your teeth so you never have a chance to bite, stick out your throat so he has an easier time cutting it, let him treat you like something you know (hope) youre not, even then he always wants more. theres nothing more to give. what other choice would you have? let him kill you over and over, bring you back over and over, as long as you still look enough like his idea he will not stop. why should he be allowed to kill and you arent? what makes him above you? (you already know.) youre just as bad as him if you fight back, he really does love you! he always has! dont think too much about how warm he is, next to you in bed, how he steals that warmth from you instead of sharing it, how loud his heartbeat gets when he takes what you both know belongs to him, how heavy the scissors, knife, bat, it doesnt matter, feel(s) in your hand. dont worry about it. you have to get up early tomorrow. filming, remember? youre glad he keeps track for you. his clocks tick, slightly dissonant, a fraction of a beat different than eachother. his time. maybe you just need to try harder. get through to him. maybe, if you just treated him better. more gentle. if he just knew what you wanted im sure hed listen, he just doesnt know how to handle you. dont think about what you have at home. dont think about everything he couldve done when you couldnt feel it, cant remember it, your blood on his gloved hands, something you know he views as romantic. keep hiding your scars, wouldnt want to freak out all of your fans
