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[lowkeyfuckeduppp]

wanna be skinny so i can be pretty

[rev3ana]

I used to pray at night for God to take care of everyone in the world.

I still do, but now I also pray for him to kill me

[bluekarou-22]

Dreaming of the day I can wear cute lacy bralettes and crops 🖤🖤🖤

[missxliana]

So, I like to romanticize my Ed a lot, which is not good. But let me tell you about the things that I like and dislike about my Ed.

First of all the facts:

I'm diagnosed with a typical anorexia, I've had times were I didn't get my period, but for max 4 months.

I love to eat, especially unhealthy food.

My starvation Ed started in 2016 after I had a bad food poisoning experience. (3 months of salmonella)

I weighed 85 kgs to begin with. My bodies favorite weight is around 61kg.

I've purged like 10 times in total, but it was horrible every time and I dislike it (plus it didn't worked out too great for me)

I've had phases were I worked out a lot. And I mean a whole lot. That was in 2016/17. Since then I only go for a walk or ride my bike. Idc for workouts, even if I should do some.

I can't rly get a tigh gap. My body structure just isn't right for that.

I do struggle with body dismorphia like 80% of the time.

I've become vegetarian during my Ed and even went vegan. But this has an ethical background.

I've phases were I will eat normally,binge for weeks, or restrict a lot.

I've never fainted from starvation.

I do supplement.

I do see a professional.

I've been in treatment in part stationary institutions, but not specific for my Ed.

I don't feel like I have an Ed.

Pros:

I don't sweat as easy as I used to.

I've got my flexibility back.

Others started to find me attractive.

It reduced my suicidal thoughts.

It safed my life for now.

I hate myself less when I weigh around 54kg.

It boosted my confidence (in some episodes)

I realized how tasty fruits and veggies can be.

Respecting the fact, that I have enough to eat most of the time.

A weird one: feeding my pets fancier food bc I spent less on my own.

Getting good grades bc of my want of being "perfect".

My father admitting, that I am too thin/the first person from my direct family admitting that my past wasn't my fault.

People calling me beautiful.

Some years prier: my mother looking at me with worry on her face for the first time in a decade.

Bonding with my gf of the time.

Getting into taking walks, alone, with music in my ears.

Thinking more about ethic's.

My sleeping medication getting me high easily.

Being dizzy all the time. Especially after getting up.

Stomach pain, I need it to feel alive. And I don't want to upset my granddad, so I try to not harm my outside.

Smaller stomach.

Cons:

Permanent damage: my hands and feet being freezing cold, so cold, that they get blue and me needing to take a hot shower. (yes, even in the summer)

Permanent pain in my knees.

Spending to much money on supplements and appetite suppressants.

Spending too much money on food, bc cheap foods are often calorie dencer.

Seeing how my grandfather is hurt by me not eating.

Saying no to social events bc it would mess with my meal plan.

Not being able to spend more active time with my pets/not being able to upgrade their enclosures ect (I blame myself a lot on this one... My bunny passed away w/I getting her upgrade..)

Loosing the fun in life.

Not having the energy to even get up.

Brain fog.

Binges that got so out of hand that I almost did call an ambulance bc I was in so much pain (I'm a masochist, I can tolerate a lot of pain)

Crying when looking in the mirror/avoiding looking into it at all.

"oh I would kill to have legs like her" me, seeing a 4 year old lil girl.

Being jealous all the time.

Still getting my period bc my body has perfected the art of survival.

Being lonely in the inside and bitchy on the outside.

Being scared to get intimate.

Sex and masturbation is all about calories.

Not being able to eat smt w/o knowing the calories.

Knowing the aprox calories for everything.

Either caring to much about an 120 cal apple, or giving zero fucks about 6,000 cal in a binge.

Fucked up digestion. (I mean like: always. Forever. Permanent damage)

Laxatives kicking in too early.

I will stop here for now. This list is not a "general" pros/cons list, just my personal feelings about it.

I want to encourage you to seek help, if you tend to romanticize eating disorders in any form or are struggling with mental health in general.

[zerocalorie-bitch]

I am doing this.

I'm tired of telling myself I'll start again tomorrow. I'm tired of telling myself it doesn't matter anyways. I'm tired of regretting everything I ate yesterday, or today, or feeling regret for something I haven't even eaten yet. I hate it, I hate myself for being okay with it, I'm taking back control.

I am in control.

I am doing this.

[starvingpan]

“i didnt eat for three days so i could be lovely”

— cassie from skins

[pastelpill-diet]

[justcallmesatanstrashcan]

[nothingsatesme]

[trippyv0dka]

“You. It was always you. In my fairytale dreams, it was you. You, were what I always have dreamt of. You, were my prince charming. I loved you. But did I really love you? or did I think I loved what I thought was you? You, hurt me. You, bruised my heart. You, said you loved me… but did you? You, always put me last. was that love? was that you? or just another lie? But you, you taught me that not all love is real. So thank you, for helping me learn that not everyone is to be trusted.”

— @trippyv0dka via tumblr

[vil-is-my-baby]

“Self-destruction Self-destruction isn’t snorting the line on the party just because you want to try it for fun and thinking “I’ll do it just once, just to try it!” Self-destruction isn’t going out and drinking a little too much sometimes. Self-destruction is taking that line even you know what will happen, knowing the side effect of that. It’s taking that line, not because of fun or people around you, it’s because you have that urge inside you that tells you to do it, to fuck yourself up. Self-destruction is going out with the intention to get drunk and not know about yourself the whole time just because you feel something inside of yourself that needs to be destroyed. You don’t drink because you’re sad or happy, you drink to kill that something inside of you. Self-destruction is that smoke of cigarette you just took. You didn’t start smoking because of people around you make you do it, you started smoking because you heard it’s bad for you. Now you’re addicted. Or maybe you aren’t but you still do it. Self-destruction is when you go to some random person you met at the bar house because of sex. You don’t know who he is, you could be anybody, you could end up dead, raped, you don’t know it won’t happen, but you go anyway. You know all the risks but you do it anyway. Self-destruction is pushing people away and making yourself antisocial on purpose. Self-destruction is popping painkillers even if you aren’t in pain. Self-destruction is getting into fights on purpose. Self-destruction is letting your id doing whatever you want. Self-destruction is a lot of things, but it’s never a choice. Self-destruction isn’t mental illness. Self-destruction isn’t when you break up with your boyfriend so you lock your room and cry or go out and get drunk to forget about him. Self-destruction is something in people, something that pulls you to the edge. It’s the sweetest sin of all of them. You can fight it, but it always wins. People keep saying to fight it like if they can fight it, you can fight it also, but if you are a really self-destructive you can’t fight it and you know it. It’s part of your reality, your life. Not all alcoholics are self-destructive. Not all addicts are self-destructive. Not all drug addicts are self-destructive. Not all who are depressive are self-destructive. Not all alcoholics are self-destructive. Not all addicts are self-destructive. Not all drug addicts are self-destructive. I smoke, I drink, I take pills – I’m not addicted to any of that. I do it do destroy myself. I don’t hate myself, I’m very far from hating myself. But some people do hate themselves. Some do, some don’t. everybody is different. If somebody asked me why I do what I do I wouldn’t know how to answer. I know what is the goal, but I don’t know the main reason beside something self-destructive inside me. For example, I know what heroin does to people but I’d love to try it. But I’ll never do it. Not because I don’t want to, but because I know what would it do to people around me. I don’t want to fuck them up. I want to fuck me up. And there are ways to do it without hurting somebody constantly. People who are self-destructive don’t want to harm you, they want to harm themselves.”

— T.S. aka me/ things i never said out loud

[sickly-sacchrine-relapse]

✨✨Weightloss tips that actually work fast to make you pretty !!✨✨ 

You 

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[1-999-twed]

Ok you know what, I'm done. I'm done being the fat one. I'm done being fat. I am going to pick my lazy ass up and reach my ugw by the time this quarantine is over. I am done 'wishing to be skinny'. I will be skinny. I only have 20lbs left, so why am I not there yet? I can do this. I will do this.

[memes-for-ed-deactivated2020081]

ayo body dysmorphia gang, y’all able to feel ur ribs. like u can feel them but your body is like “🤬 no ur a fatass. a big fat fattie. die u whore” or is it just me 😍😍😍

[slow-dancingwithadagger]

i always see posts on here talking about becoming skinny so “he can lift you easy as a feather”, or “so your crush will notice u!” and ofc there’s nothing wrong with this, but for me and i’m sure a bunch of others: it’s about control. it’s about me being the one who decides what i eat, when i eat. it’s about taking control of my body and watching myself become what i’ve always wanted to be. it’s about becoming the girl people are both jealous and afraid of because she looks so slender and her stomach roars and yet she has the self control to only eat an eighth of what’s put on her plate. it’s about choosing any item of clothing i like and slipping easily into it, having all clothes be baggy. i’m doing this for me, and i know it’s crazy to a certain degree, but i fucking adore it because it’s the one thing in my life that is mine entirely. 

[sippin-green-tea]

Im at such a weird place with my body rn, like i can see my ribs and collarbones but go a little down and my belly be looking like im 7 months pregnant.

[daintyclown]

Workout plan

🥜Sunday (gym)🥜

•20 minutes on treadmill (on an incline and at about 3.7 speed) with a 3 minute cool down

•5 minutes on stationary bicycle (in manual setting) with a 1 minute cool down. Hope to slowly build to using it for 10 minutes

•focus on using arm, back, and ab machines(I usually do 30 reps on each machine, more if I find it easy to do)(weights vary, havnt found exactly what works best)

🥜Wednesday 🥜

•follow my workout playlist (I'll reblog it after this post)

🥜Friday (gym)🥜

•20 minutes treadmill

•5 minutes stationary bicycle

•focus on leg, thigh, and butt machines. They have a staircase machine, I havnt tried it yet but it's great for your butt so I'll see if I can do 10 minutes on it

Idk if this is helpful at all lmao