Blayne, 7 years old (out of the blue and from the backseat of the car): Mom, you need to get me a pen and a little pad I can carry around in my pocket.
Me: Why would you need those things?
Blayne: I need to start writing peoples names down so I remember them when I am famous.
Me: What are you talking about?
Blayne: Well, you know how people are always saying to me, “I hope you remember me when you are famous”? I need a pen and a pad to write their names down, so I do.
Me (sarcastically commenting on his messy room): So, I see you cleaned your room like I asked.
Blayne (looking around the room with a confused look and then bursting into tears): Mom! You know I don’t understand sarcasm… WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING IT!!!
One of the key aspects of the Asperger’s brain is literalism. Which is to say they take everything literally. While this could be very entertaining for others, for Blayne, it was painful at times. For instance, when someone said something sarcastic, it took him a few seconds to understand the words did not match the situation and were actually opposite to the situation. Or when he was lied to by a schoolmate, he didn’t know this was possible, so he believed everything he was told.
When I first explained sarcasm and lying to him, he couldn’t understand why anyone would say words they didn’t mean. To him, he was being lied to and that didn’t make any sense to him. Very early on I understood it would be very easy to lie to Blayne. At the same time, I knew when he understood I had lied, he would be very hurt by it. For this reason, I worked very hard never to lie to him or to anyone else in his presence.
This stance actually taught me I didn’t need to lie to people when I wanted to say no to them. For instance, if I was asked to help a friend do something I didn’t want to do, before Blayne I would have made up something else I was not going to do but would explain why I couldn’t help without feeling guilty.
With Blayne being in the room when someone asked me if I could help, not only would telling a lie teach Blayne he couldn’t trust my words, but he would most certainly have told the person I was lying if he knew I was. So, I had to learn to tell the truth at all times. And what I found was the truth doesn’t make me feel guilty or hurt people’s feelings. I learned to say things truthfully like, I am not able to help that day because this is the day I have set aside for house chores or to spend time with my family or to sleep in and take care of myself.
In this way I taught Blayne to feel fine about saying no and doing what he needed to take care of himself without feeling guilty. And I taught him he could trust what I said.
It also meant I had to tell the truth when he asked me questions. As time went on, this became harder and harder to achieve. I made the choice to answer his questions about sensitive subjects (sex, drugs, violence) with simple answers and if asked more questions I would answer them. In most cases the simple answer would be enough. I had to keep my cool with each question and I did everything in my power to answer as truthfully as possible. If I didn’t know the answer, I would tell him I needed some time to gather some information and then made a point of always following up with an answer.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I was setting the stage for us to always have an open channel of communication so he felt safe coming to me for answers without being judged or making me uncomfortable. If I had challenged him about why he was asking a question or I visibly had been uncomfortable with my answering, he would have decided I was not a safe place to get answers.
I also, bought age appropriate books on subjects he asked about. The books sometimes caused more questions and these were always met with nonjudgmental and honest answers. He learned he could count on me to be honest and open and when the teen years arrived I was able to help him navigate through some pretty daunting situations, while teaching him ethics and how to make sound judgments.
As we worked together through the years on Blayne’s challenges due to his Asperger’s, I was able to eventually teach him how to use sarcasm and actually appreciate it when it is done well. And while he still doesn’t always know when someone is lying to him, he knows it is possible now and so isn’t as gullible as he once was. It took many honest conversations and some practice and in the end he not only uses sarcasm, he writes amazing dialogue for screenplays using sarcasm and lies to convey stories he has running through his head.