Tom Paris vs The Delta Quadrent

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 50126.4

Tonight was B’Elanna’s birthday party in the mess hall. Neelix made that cake thing and we call sang… and then Neelix wanted us to sing in Klingon, but fortunately it kind of petered out since no knows Klingon except B’Elanna. And she wasn’t going to sing it.

Well, after dinner, I gave her a copy of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I see her reading a lot and I know they are not all technical manuals. Unless she thinks that technical manuals are funny. Which she might. But anyway, I hope she enjoys the book as much as I do.

Computer, end personal log

[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 50052.7

Wow.

I don’t even know where to begin with this one.

I guess the most exciting news, after the whole getting the crew back thing, is I got to sleep! For like, 12 hours. After I got the crew back on board and got us headed back towards to the Alpha Quadrant, I hit the wall… hard. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open so I asked to be relived.

Oh my way to my quarters I ran into B’Elanna. She was cataloging damage and when she saw me, she jumped up and gave me a hug. Although she kind of stank (I’m sure I didn’t smell fresh either), I hugged her back, hard. And kind of had to fight the urge to kiss her.

I really need to get it together and ask her out.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49932.4

This is an incredibly weird series of events. Seska stole Chakotay’s DNA (I still wonder if that is code for semen… Like, did she… uh… I’m stopping this though process) then she impregnates herself, and THEN she wants us to save her ass. And we are going to do it.

I’ve been thinking about it were me this had happened to. Some crazy lady takes my “DNA” and gets herself pregnant with it. What would I do? Would I be a father to that child?

I don’t know.

I’ve always wanted kids, but after everything that has happened, I doubt I’ll ever be in a position to have them. I mean, first I need a wife! Like any woman in their right mind would marry me….

I’m getting off topic. Would I put everyone in danger to rescue a baby that was mine, but that I didn’t want? I hate the idea of endangering everyone else… but I guess if I am willing to sacrifice for Chakotay’s son, others would be willing to sacrifice for mine.

To be honest, I hope I never have to learn what I would do in this situation.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49694.2

I am so happy to have Chakotay back because it means I’m not first officer and anymore. I actually may have been a bit rude, basically saying, “hello, welcome back, here is all this BS paperwork I’ve been doing for the last six weeks.”

But oh my god I am so happy to not be doing that paperwork anymore.

So were back on course for home and everything seems back to normal.

Computer, end personal log

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49694.2

So Harry had the idea of asking the Vidiians if they would be willing to take some of B’Elanna’s DNA in exchange for some help in curing this disease. I’m still a bit surprised that Tuvok went for it, I don’t know what Kes said to him in that ready room.

In any case, we contacted the Doctor’s friend and she said they had a cure so we arranged to meet them… and they attacked us. I really hate those guys. Asides from the Doctor’s friend, I’m pretty sure they are all a bunch of jerks. But we got the medicine and escaped… so all’s well that ends well.

Harry and B’Elanna and I are going to go out to celebrate heading back to get Chakotay and the Captain. And since B’Elanna’s been a lot happier since we turned around and Harry is no longer trying to insight a mutiny, I feel great because I’m not trying to hold anyone’s sanity or careers together anymore. Oh, and I’m of course happy to get the Captain back. And Chakotay too.

Computer, end personal log

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49690.1

Harry has been driving me nuts. He is like climbing the walls since we left the Captain and Chakotay behind three weeks ago. Every chance he gets he is asking people how they feel about this and trying to stir up agitation against Tuvok. It so… unHarry.

I understand why he is upset over what happened, I mean, we are all upset. But I don’t understand why Harry is taking it so personally. For instance, I understand why B’Elanna has been upset. She lost Chakotay and they were pretty close. From the way she would talk about him, he’s the first person that seemed to give a shit about her in her life.

But I don’t know what is up with Harry. Hopefully he doesn’t get himself into too much trouble.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49685.1

This is fucked up. I don’t know how it is that the Doctor hasn’t been able to figure out a way to cure these insect bites! And… we are just going to leave them there, with a type nine shuttle should they ever figure out a way cure the disease. And I still can’t stand how Tuvok is taking all this in stride!

I hate the idea of leaving the captain… and even Chakotay… behind on that rock, in the middle of the Delta Quadrant.

In other news, if you can call it that, I got a promotion. Yup, I’m first officer now, as well as chief pilot. Twice the work, no increase in pay. Maybe in my new position I can council Tuvok into not leaving them behind.

Computer, end personal log

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49655.2

Well, I finally found some time alone with B’Elanna to talk. We were sent down to the planet to help figure out what exactly had happened to create Tuvix.

It was going to take 20 minutes to get down to the planet, so as soon as we were out of the shuttle bay, I started in on my well-rehearsed speech. I told her how sorry I was for all the things I did and that I really never wanted to deceive her. She look at me… and said, “Do you promise to never lie to me again?”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I reminded her I was under orders and she cut me off. “That’s not the point,” she said. “You played me that day in engineering. You didn’t just not tell me what was going on, you lied to me. I can understand if in the future there are things you can’t talk about, but if you want my trust, never lie to me again.”

And she turned back to the controls. I stared at her for a moment before responding. “I promise.”

Without looking at me, she said, “Good.”

After that everything seemed normal again. I learned that B’Elanna likes flowers and plants… that information might come in handy at some point. On the way back up to the ship I asked if she wanted to go to Sandrine’s with Harry and me later. And for the first time in months she said yes.

Except for the fact that we still don’t know how to separate Neelix and Tuvok, it was a pretty good day.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49616.7

We almost lost Harry… again. I don’t know how it is that my best friend can almost die so often, but it’s a bit scary. Whenever something like this happens I wonder to myself, does Harry know how much he means to me? Did I tell him? And then it will all turn out fine and I never do say anything. I just joke with him. I really do need to tell him at some point how much of a… help… he had been to me over the last two years. That I wouldn’t be the officer I am today without his example. That sounds like a conversation that requires plenty of hard alcohol.

B’Elanna also went into the freaky clown world, although the lead clown let her leave. But she could have been trapped in there as well. I haven’t tried apologizing to her again since my first attempt. Maybe now that she has calmed down a bit she will be able to hear what I am saying a bit better. Again, I wouldn’t have wanted her to die without understanding how much I value her friendship.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49578.2

Things have been relatively dull since we completed repairs on the ship. I am happy to be back at the helm all day, rather than crawling around the Jefferies tubes. Every time I have to help after one of these disasters, I just can’t help but think how glad I am that I didn’t go into the engineering specialty. Although B’Elanna seems to like it.

Speaking of B’Elanna, she’s speaking to me again. So, progress. But poor Harry, when she was mad at me he didn’t know what to do with himself. But it looks like things and turned a corner, so I’m happy.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49548.7

I’m glad I’m not an engineer. I of course was drafted while we were dead in the water… or dead in space… but I would hate to have to do that kind of work every day. I don’t think I’ve been this physically tired for just a ‘normal’ days’ work in a long time. And B’Elanna… I have not been in engineering once and not seen her working. I don’t know how she does it.

But now the engines are back online and things are getting a bit more back to normal. I was able to have lunch with Harry yesterday. I’m… so happy we got him back. When I heard B’Elanna say that Harry was dead… I… well, in the moment my stomach did a flip, but I didn’t have time to really consider what it all meant. We got him back before the reality of the whole thing could hit me. But at lunch he seemed okay, although he was a little shaken up about the whole ‘do I belong here’ thing. I told him that he and the Harry that died were the same person until that last day, so of course he belonged here.

Anyway, now that the engines are online I’m back at the helm where I belong rather than replacing conduit or wall panels for a double shift… now I only have to do that for half a shift after my full shift at the helm. I’ll be glad when this is over.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49504.3

It’s over! I nearly died, but it’s all over. Jonas was the spy, he’s dead. I’ve been vindicated of all my bad behavior. The captain has issued me a commendation, which is nice I suppose. But, if I’m honest, I did this for my friends, not for accolades. But I am so glad it’s over now.

Now… I’m making the rounds of apologies.

I started with Harry. I went to his quarters and barely got “I’m so sorry,” out before he hugged me and told me that he understood and was just happy I was okay and everything was going to be back to normal. We then had a beer and I told him about the last couple months. It was such a relief to get all that off my chest.

I apologized to Chakotay… AFTER my little bit on Neelix’s morning program. I probably did that in the wrong order. He was short with me, but said that it was in the past. Like I predicted, he’s much more pissed at the captain right now. We were both just her pawns.

Kes and Neelix came to ME to apologize… wasn’t quite expecting that.

I’ve started transferring back rations to the people I hustled. Glad I kept track of all that.

Finally… I tried to talk to B’Elanna. I saw her eating alone in the mess hall and asked to join her. She cut me off almost the moment I began my apology saying, “I get it. You felt like you had to lie to me for the mission. That you couldn’t trust me to keep your secret. It’s fine.” And then she got up and left. I feel like I’m starting over from scratch with her. I hope I can get her trust back.

I hope I can get everyone’s trust and respect back.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49485.2

I want off this fucking ship now. *I* get put in the brig and relieved of duty when Chakotay is the one that laid hands on me first?! It’s my fault he’s a klutz that lost his balance and fell over?!

Fuck this bullshit, I want out.

Computer, end personal log

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[lt-tom-paris]

Deleted Personal Log Stardate 49485.2

After spending the night in the brig, I’ve been relieved of duty. Tuvok and the Captain came to see me in the brig and told me we are moving onto phase 2. They are going to say I wanted off the ship and leave me with a Talaxian convoy. The idea is the spy will tell Seska about whole thing and then she will come after me.

Since I’m just going to delete this and no one will ever know, I’ll just admit it: I’m scared.

What if this doesn’t work? What if I’m stuck with the Talaxian convoy? What if Seska just kills me? What if I fail?

I had been spending a lot of time at Sandrine’s. Mostly to be seen getting drunk or gambling. I actually don’t drink that much… but it does feel good to have a little alcohol in my system. It makes being an ass a bit easier. Yesterday the Doc came in and wanted advice on being rejected by women. I told him the story of my first love… but I was thinking about B’Elanna and Harry. About B’Elanna telling me to get away from her. About how Harry doesn’t come over uninvited anymore just to talk. About how I think about them, miss them… but as the days and weeks pass, it’s getting easier.

I have prepared letters for them. Hand written on paper and given to the captain. So that… so if I don’t come back, they will know. This wasn’t me. I did it for them, to protect them.

Computer, delete personal log

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49301.2

I can’t believe they ended the hoverball tournament on a draw. I had a lot of rations ridding on B’Elanna winning. I was able to use the fact that she is so small to my advantage, people didn’t think that she could win it all. Not to mention I may have spread some untrue rumors about how *I* had beaten her several times.

Well, I ended up just having to return everyone’s credits, minus my handler’s fee.

Computer, end personal log.

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[lt-tom-paris]

Deleted Personal Log Stardate 49301.2

I went to the watch the hoverball tournament. I had created a betting pool around it, so it worked with my cover to go. I was happy, because both Harry and B’Elanna were playing. B’Elanna was fantastic. She plays with incredible grace and intensity. I could seriously watch her all day… it also didn’t hurt that she was wearing a tank top and skin tight pants.

After she broke her ankle and they called the championship game a draw (which, I think was total bullshit, B’Elanna was up 15-7, she was going to win…) I went over to tell her how well she played and she laid into me. Told me leave her the fuck alone.

It hurt a lot to hear her say that. I know she was probably mad about the game and in pain… but… I guess I’ve really messed it up with her. Harry came up right after she had snapped at me and she was terse, but not mean, to him.

I miss them both. A lot. I want to tell them so badly how much they mean to me and I would never really treat them like this.

I can’t wait for this to be over. The capatain said that we would be starting phase 2 soon and that I should escalate my harassment of Chakotay.

Computer, delete personal log.

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[lt-tom-paris]

Personal Log Stardate 49447.0

Chakotay ripped me a new asshole again yesterday. I show up five minutes late for a stupid staff meeting and he’s all up in arms about it. Between him and fucking Rollins, I’d seriously like to take a long vacation… away from Voyager.

I guess I almost got my wish, since the intrepid Kathryn Janeway decided blowing our ship up to stop the missile was worth it. I don’t really see why we had to get involved. We should have just went on our way.

Computer, end personal log

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