My parents used to fight. All the time. Endlessly. I know that doesn’t match with the whole Stone family image everyone loves so much. But by the time we moved to America, my parents were practically foaming at the mouth at the dinner table. Every. Single. Night. I hated it. I hated the way the both just tore at each other just to do it. I hated the fighting and the shouting and how much no one listened. I always just sat and listened. i figured if they couldn’t hear each other then maybe someone would hear them. And I think somewhere along the way….. I learned. Practiced a thousand times and it stuck. Then things got different and when I came to the pack eventually – Elias sucked. My first week there him and his buddies knocked my lights out so hard I think I forgot my name for a few days. They never really stopped after that. And it made me furious and I wanted nothing more than to to prove to them that they were wrong. So I channeled it there. Into proving they were wrong. Every day, again and again, training and training and training, until it worked. Same with when the Compound attack came and everyone was dead and it all felt hopeless. Same when they all rose up and tried to take the pack from Derrick, same when Eden was murdered and these vampires came in here and tried to rub it in all of our faces. I – I sit with myself. And I tell myself a thousand times. And I breathe anger through my nose and into my ribs and into my knee until it hurts so bad I can’t think. And I shove it into the ground until it goes into the earth and becomes power. Power to help. It’s the only thing that works for me. I do that and I think and I think and I think. Whenever I’m alone, with my guitar, not sleeping, doing all that stuff people think I’m a freak for. I’m always just thinking. About all of it. I like being in the quiet and I like the peace and sorting my thoughts. But none of that just got there because it got there. Those are my tools. That I figured out. Practicing a thousand million times. You may not be patient. You may not be even keeled. Not everyone is. You have to find what your tools are Lucas. You have to work and work and practice talk to yourself and give your anger to something else and find a way to channel into the things that matter to you. It’s not quite the same as burying it. Burying it only asks for it to come back.
That’s... a lot. You sound kinda like Victoria, sending it into the ground. She had told me something, not that and how you make it work, but using the ground and the power to calm. Maybe I need to figure out how to find my own quiet in all this. It was easier when I could run and the disconnected didn’t matter. And for the record, not sure who you think is calling you a freak but I doubt it’s really that many. Thanks. For explaining how it works for you.
