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@lucidityzx
how does one recover from losing important years of their life right after they formed a more solid sense of self i think it’s really unfair that the brain can do that i’d rather feel dread or feel repulsive or or actually feel my feelings and have them stick because immade so much progress
this could’ve happened when i like moved out or something
I wonder why I wanna go to a hospital so bad ....
I dont understand anything!!!!! I don't understand!!!why!!!!!!!!!! This is not how reality should be!!@ it shouldn't be this normal!!! What's being hidden from me and why do I feel less and less like I care.im not myself. I am in anotjer persons skin.
Shouldnt I reemnenr? Dont I deserve to?
I need out of this skin . I need out of it . I need out.of this box
I have no purpose here . Get me out of this reality . I don't belong here
It's as if I'm part of a simulation, and everything just looks nice because of that; I'm being nurtured to be the most average human being possible. I should be allowed to cry so much more than I do ,, I should be allowed to feel so much more. Contratily, when I begin to think that everything is fine, that's when I start to cry.
My mind is so very empty. I have no idea what to do with this body or life. I can't even fantasize about God nurturing me—I'm too aware of my physical body.
Maybe I should be put in the ward .. there's no reason for me to be here. They'll lobotomize me with drugs, but I don't care.
I'm so very sad ,, and not sad enough. Years of development went down the drain. It's so saddening. I can't detach from reality ever again. I can't see something higher than THIS. I was miserable, but I've learned so much, and that knowledge was important to me. I don't even care to find it anymore, because everything's just gone. No wonder I felt so much clarity that night ,, I was dying. My self was dying.
I remember hearing from a friend (or someone on the internet) saying that people near death will suddenly experience such clarity and awareness right before they die. I remember feeling something like that. The idea that I would die soon was so comforting, and everything felt so clear (I think). I felt so happy that I would die soon. I don't wanna die anymore, but I don't know what else to do!! Why do I have to start everything over at 15?????????
I keep going back and forth between "it's fine" then crying. There'd be no point in talking to someone about it. Not even a professional!! A professional would assume that I was happier before the amnesia really hit, but I wasn't. I didn't mind being miserable and self destructive. It felt like a core part of my identity. Others usually say that, before psychosis, they were a lot happier with their lives. More bright and lively. That's not really the case with me! I actually lived my best during psychosis! There were so many emotions at the start of it that it might as well have been the best. I learned and developed so much, even if I was destructive.
I'll keep on living. I will. I have no idea what for, though. I don't even feel strong emotion now which is sad. I'm attention seeking with every word I type. I can't care for anything anymore.
Months will pass and it'll be fine. I'll forget the now and the then. I'll move on from this, but leaving everything behind is sad. I have no attachment to anything to keep me at bay. I can't believe I'll need to relive life at 15 almost 16. That's horrible!!! I had future jobs in mind, but I don't wanna do them.
Time is so stagnant I 😳 what the fuck ever
I can’t remember anything anout myself its probably not did or whatever im not in enough danger and haven’t been through that consistently
itll never be enough everything feels to shallow
Dont act on impulse k?
I would say that I wish I could feel deeper emotions but I dont really have the capacity to care ;-;
If I can’t feel, then I must be invincible
But I don’t wanna be invincible
I wanna be able to have my core being touched and I wanna be able to find comfort in things again I wanna be able to find comfort in sick things again I wanna be able to relate to things again but I can’t relate to people no matter what because my life is nothing
It’s hard to be hurt without emotional connection I guess that’s why my brain has been doing this
Without care, you’re basically invincible, but what’s the point of being here, then?
Feeling makes me feel repulsive and disgusting but
I think I just want an excuse to finally break down and let my emotions take over
The thing is ,, I know I would be disliked regardless
Please hurt me so I'm valid and can remember I don't genuinely want it but
Nothing has started or ended
Time seamless flows
Nothing has started or ended
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My face is mine, yet it isn't ,,
A veneer of cordiality; a listless void lies beneath.
I want to glaze you so badly
I wanna play pretend love with you
Love, love, love; amor, amor, amor; it's such a nice word. It's so syrupy
A veces, quiero ser Dios. A veces, quiero ser nadie.
People should forget about me completely I can't care about anyone other than myself anyway
I feel so guilt trippy and manipulative and evil like any act of kindness I couod possibly do just has mal intent I'm not aware of
And if I don't do things it's just ,, I'm the most useless friend ever I keep making excuses for myself