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A Piece I Never Finished

I say goodbye to my friends and get on my flight

I call my mom and tell her I'll be home Monday night

She tells me to be careful and that shes scared I'm traveling alone.

I tell her I'll be safe, this isn't the first time I've flown.

I want to take it all in, I want to see the city

I want to meet new people and stop feeling this pity,

For myself because I always go with comfort

I choose the safe option, I don't want to get hurt

I dont let her know that I'm scared out of my mind too

But that I'm forcing myself to do this and try something new.

I want to get out of my shell, I want to talk to strangers

I want to make friends and stop being shy like im still a teenager

The city is exciting as I walk aimlessly for hours

I'm smiling at the people who walk by like I have super powers

My heart races as I ask for directions and make small talk

Ive got two more days here, im racing the clock

Jeff Rosenstock

Jeff was another band that was unexpectedly discovered because of The Menzingers. The Menzingers were playing in San Francisco on a Wednesday night in March of 2017. I had bought a plane ticket for that morning and another for the following morning because I had class at 10 AM the next day. So I'm spending the day in SF and I'm walking more than I've ever walked in a day, in the most uncomfortable pair of $20 dollar old navy shoes. My feet were killing me. My significant other at the time and I arrived at Slim's at 7 when the doors opened and we were both tired from the day. I couldn't care less about the two opening bands because I couldnt stand my feet. I just wanted to see the Menzingers and head back as soon as possible. Rozwell Kid put on a good show, but I was elated when their set was over. Just one more band and we could finally see the band we came here for. We made our way towards the front ride side of the stage. The crowd got bigger as more people were getting ready for the next act. I was completely unaware of who the openers were, so all I had as a reference were the talkings of the crowd and the big flag on stage with horizontal pride colors with a marijuana leaf and the number 666 on the top left hand side. When Jeff came on, the crowd came alive instantly as the fast paced ska-punk blared from the speakers. The energy was amazing and the lyrics I could make out were catchy and relatable. I left that show feeling amazed and excited. I loved Jeff's set as much as I did the Menzinger's. I listened to Jeff on the plane ride back and the drive back home. Given the clearer quality of the music, I was able to make out the lyrics much better than at the concert. Jeff played most of his WORRY. album at his show, so that's what I listened to. We Begged 2 Explode was the song that cemented my love for Jeff's music the most. I cant fully process how emotionally impacting that song was to me. I broke down screaming along to the final parts of that song. Jeff's music connects with me because I feel his anxiety. I feel his fear, his awkwardness, his anger, and his joy. Jeff has such a raw and genuine sound that needs to be appreciated more because he does it all on his own. He releases his music for free online, only asking for donations to sustain the band. His music has been there for me through so many times in my life, whether it's been at the low points like when I'm alone in my room, or during the highs when I'm belting out his songs with a loved one on a drive home during a trip to the bar or brewery. Jeff Rosenstock has changed my life for the better.

#jeff rosenstock #theelrctricityisoutatmyhouse #the menzingers

Frank Turner

The first time I heard of Frank Turner was when The Menzingers announced that they were going on tour with him. I checked him out hoping that he would have a similar sound to The Menzingers, seeing as they were going to be sharing the same stage. The first song I heard was "Recovery" off of Tape Deck Heart. I immediately loved his english accent and his upbeat folk style that reminded me of Flogging Molly. I listened to the rest of the album and I really enjoyed numerous other songs, such as Plain Sailing Weather, The Way I Tend to Be, and Four Simple Words. I liked his music, but I didnt really get too into it. It wasnt until Scott Hutchison passed away that I received a text one morning of a screen shot of a post Frank Turner had made expressing his grief for Hutchinson. I listened to the song they played together and that Frank covered, The Modern Leper, and I fell in love with that song because of the lyrics and because of the person that shared it with me. Coincidentally, that was also around the time that Frank Turner's album, Be More Kind, was released. I listened to the album and it was at this point that I was hooked. The first song I heard was the title track, Be More Kind, and this one made me fall in love with the idea that even though the rest of the world may be spiraling down this path of violence and hate, that choosing to be kind despite this can help the world. The rest of the album covered political topics going on in the US, and spoke about us working together instead of being divided. The song that probably influenced me the most was the first track on the album: Dont Worry. This song made me feel better during that moment where I was dealing with alot of fear and sadness and anxiety in my life. "I've spent a little time in worried shoes. I've worn them out through walking, it wasn't any use". He closes out the song by saying, "But you'll figure it out, and i might too". From there, I jumped to Love, Ire, and Song during its 10th year anniversary and I loved its folk/teenage angst mood. I learned how to play alot of his songs and that just made me love him even more. Most of his songs were acoustic or could be played solo on acoustic and I enjoyed to no end doing my best english accent while I sang. Frank Turner simply had all the right songs that I could relate too; songs about love, sadness, getting better, friendship, etc. The day that I saw him live at the LA Palladium guaranteed my love for Frank and set him aside from just another casual band.

#frank turner #be more kind #theelrctricityisoutatmyhouse

Notes

I used to write you notes all the time. Not because it was our anniversary or anything, but just because you were mine. I used to do little things like make you origami hearts or surprise you with coffee before school. I used to tell you how much I loved you and how I thought you were cool. Time went by and we got used to each others company and we stopped doing this kind of thing. I was still happy to see you but for some reason we sometimes wouldn't hold hands when we'd be walking. We fell apart and although we shouldn't have let it get to that point, it made me realize how much I really need you one my life. I missed everything about you, and when we started talking again, i remembered why I wanted you to be my wife. In the past we'd speak of a future we were too young to create. Now in the present, I want to plan it out and i just cant wait. We're trying to get our lives in order so that we can be more prepared. But this time in between has been leaving us in despair. You're moving from city to city and I know how much it hurts you so. Just know that I share that pain every time I loosen my arms from 'round you and have to let you go. One day we'll have our own place and we wont need to roam. We'll finally have a place that can actually feel like home.

We went to the hospital one day after working out together. We had to go to your home first even though you were really under the weather. I didnt know what was wrong and I didnt know what to say. All I could do was drive faster and tell you youd be okay. There are alot of things that are out of my control and I cant change. But there are also however a few things within my range. I cant tell you how to cure that pain in your head. But I can be there to hold your hand when we go see a doctor instead. I cant be there with you right now and make sure your day goes well. But I can be here on the phone and be the one you can tell. I want to here for you during the tough moments like that day. I promise that when things arent easy I wont run away. I have this idea in my head that may be misguided. Where I try to be strong and try to hide it. Hide the fact that I'm sad youre leaving and hide that I'm scared I dont know how to help you. That way I can be someone for you to hold on to when you're scared too. I'm just trying to be brave, but the truth is that I tremendously miss you. I love our phone calls and I'm sorry we couldnt talk today. Theres so much more that I had to say. I want to know about how your day goes. I want to know about your highs and any lows. Please dont push me away. I want to stay.

7/10/18

A few months ago we'd write each other long posts on tumblr. It was our way of talking to each other despite the fact that I already had your phone number. I missed you so much during that time. I felt like had been locked away and punished for committing a crime. I looked forward to reading your entries so I checked this site all day. I wanted to read your thoughts and then think of something to say. It was something sweet that we did while we were apart. And despite where we were it brought you closer to my heart. Now that we are apart again I know that I should tell you more often how I feel. So that you dont forget that the love i have for you is real. I'm not the best at speaking my mind, i get tangled up and things get left behind. I cherish the time I spent with you while you were home. I was happy again and my days felt less alone.

Things didnt go the way I had hoped the night before you left. I ruined what time I had left and I said things I didnt mean. I was in pain about you leaving and I was a mess. I dont do things the right way, and its not until later that I realize how I couldve done things differently. I'm sorry. Theres never been a moment that I didnt want to spend with you. And even though you're far away, I look forward to going to see you soon.

I wanted to write this in our notebook, but I'm not too sure when you wouldve gotten a chance to read it. I've been thinking alot lately about you and me and ultimately, us. I've been reading everything we've written in the past 2 months and the entries in our journal that we've accumulated over the years. They both break and make my heart grow. I read our text messages and our saved snap conversations. I smile at the ones where you say you miss me and that you love me. Because I miss you and I love you too. You're my world. At the same time, every one of these things has a time and date stamped next to it. On Friday, 5/4/18, at 11:05, was the last time you said you loved me and called me beb. I was happy on May 4th. May 5th I tried calling you so many times. On May 6th, we managed to talk and you sounded so sad. It broke my heart. You have a big heart, but along with it, you carry so much pain. Your grandma Mary and Carol. Your uncertainty of the future. I get it. I understand it all. As much as I tried to help you feel better, i just became another burden for you to bear. I dont want to do that to you. I noticed the songs on the playlist. I noticed his comments on your pictures. My insecurities haunt me and I dont know what to do. Please tell me it's just me being dumb. Please tell me I'm wrong and tell me not to go. I just dont want to hold you back from all the amazing things I know you can accomplish in life, so for now, I'll let you go. I wish I had the fucking courage to say it to you, but I'm breaking down just writing this. Because it doesnt just feel like I'm letting go of you. It feels like I'm letting go of everything we dreamed for our future. I dont think I'm going to use this account anymore. Its dedicated to you and that's how I want it to stay. I dont want to quote any fucking song or any line from any movie. I want you to know that it's coming from me. I hope this isn't the last time you come into my life. -Love Always Luis Aparicio

Drugs

Its Saturday night and everyone wants to go out. I'm off of work tonight at 8, and I feel like that's too late. I got invited out but I'm turning them all down. I just want to go home and if I'm lucky maybe talk on the phone. I want to get all cozy with a cup of tea if it's not too hot out and watch a nice movie. I've read our journal a few times since I got it back and each time I'm left without words. It's a story of two people who are better at writing than saying what they're feeling. We each carry alot on our backs and it's a surprise we haven't both broken down from it all. When I was younger, I'd drown my demons in beer and drinks. Now that I'm older I turn off my brain to stop thinking and get high. But recently I've been doing things differently. I dont drink to forget and I dont smoke to go to sleep anymore. I dont want to be the person that's so dependent on their crutch that they end up needing a wheelchair. I'm taking the good with the bad every day because I can't keep running from it. And things have been good lately. I realized I only need about 6 more classes to graduate. We've been talking on the phone. I'm doing okay. I hope you are too. And if you're not, give me some of your pain and I'll bear it with you because you're not alone. If you feel your lake overflowing, I'll drink your water. So even though you got invited to go out, I hope you decide to stay in and maybe we can talk on the phone. Because drugs come in all shapes and sizes, and yeah, they might help me forget and feel better in that moment, but it doesnt last. You voice is the only one that I've been craving.

#theelrctricityisoutatmyhouse

Paul Caribou

I started going to the gym because I saw how much you loved going. It was one of the things you tried while figuring out what you wanted to be. You’d go every day and I noticed how your muscles were growing.

I thought you looked amazing before but after I absolutely didn’t know what to say. You could tell how much time you spent and all your effort showed. I’d go too but I never really tried and from programs I’d stray.

I decided that I wanted more and that I should put more effort into how I look. I started training and eventually I started to feel better about myself. My confidence went up because now people could judge me from the cover of my book.

The arms and the chest I gained were enough to help me walk a little taller. I had hoped I’d look good enough to be someone you’d be proud of. With my new appearance I felt my shame grow smaller.

The new me might be stronger and taller than the older weaker me. But I’ve still got to grow in many ways that improve more than just what I have to show. Because these protein shakes don’t make me as strong as I need to be.

Lately I’ve been doing other things to make me feel better and to help me grow. I’ve been writing these lame poems and recording videos on Youtube. I even played a coffee shop’s lame open mic night show.

Now when I’m sad I look at the bright side of everything new. I look at the sky and I appreciate the clouds that block out the sun. I think about the weekend I spent with you and I listen to songs by Paul Baribeau.

I showed you all these bands growing up but I never took the time to become obsessed with yours. Now I listen to a lot of the music you like and I feel like I’ve found another insight to your mind. I’ve found a lot of the lyrics that you quote and now I want to go home and learn the song’s chords.

I know a lot of these songs are sad but that’s not what I’m hearing in the end. I’m singing along with Paul while he plays Better Than Anything Ever. And I’m thinking of you when I hear a song about falling in love with your best friend.

#theelrctricityisoutatmyhouse #paulbaribeau #almostcalledhimpaulcaribou

4/30/18

Life does not make sense. Good people who are genuine and kind are punished with life threatening diseases. People who have only begun to live their lives are abruptly stopped while numerous continue completely unaware of how lucky they are. I don't believe I have done anything in my life to merit many of the blessings I've come across. I live an average life with little to no impact on the lives of those around me. I'm not as charitable as i can be, I'm not as kind as others are, but I'm still here. Why?

It's very difficult for me to say, but I've never felt that I was good enough for you. I dont think highly of myself. I always feel like I've stolen every good thing that happens to me because I dont believe I deserve them. I dont even know if its subconscious anymore, but I sabotage alot of these things. I distance myself from people, I find reasons to push them away. I procrastinate in my schoolwork because I've never felt like I belonged there. I stop telling the person i love i love them. I stop writing letters. I stop surprising them with small gestures of love because I try to ruin it before it crumbles before me.

In all honesty, I'm scared. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of losing the person I love. Sometimes I feel my own heart beat inside my hollow chest and I'm scared that its going to stop at any second.

This weekend didn't feel real. From the moment I saw you, the world regained a little bit of color. From the moment i smelled you, the world got a little fresher. And from the moment i held you, the world felt a little safer. It didn't feel real. I accepted the possibility that I may never hug you again during the time that we were apart. I accepted that I may never steal a kiss from you. We spent alot of time together this weekend and I'm thankful for every second of it.

Today is our 6 year anniversary, and as happy as I am, I'm also sad. I'm sad that this almost wasn't a reality. So many things could have kept us apart, but out of the infinite realities in the universe, this one happens to be the one where we are together today: April 30th, 2018. It hasn't been easy, not in the slightest. We've fought, cried, and pulled apart from each other many times, but like I told you last night, it's easy to define something if you're only searching for the negative or positive. Our relationship isn't perfect, but I accept the many negatives with the many positives that it has. I'm not blind and I'm not romanticizing nostalgic memories. Ive come to know many of your faults. How sometimes you are indecisive. How sometimes you are not comforting. How you sometimes dont know what to say. Alongside these faults, I've gotten to know what makes your soul beautiful. You may not know what to say at times, but you speak louder in your writing than anyone ever could with their voice. You may not be comforting in the moment, but your heart is never in the wrong place. Through it all, I love you more than the day we met.

In a moment of honesty, you asked me if I really wanted to do this? You asked me what happens if things go back to the way they were? I can't guarantee you that things will be easy. I can't say that everything will be okay this time. I know that I at least want to try. I know that having it crumble is better than us destroying it before it even has a chance. I'll take that chance. We dont have to talk every day. We dont have to text like we used to. I'd rather take what I can get, rather than just let you go and never know how things could be. Because I dont know what's going to happen in life. I dont know if the universe will realize that I've been slipping through the cracks this whole time and everything will finally catch up with me. I dont know how much time I have left with you, but I want it all.

I didnt plan on getting back with you. I didnt plan on yesterday going how it went. I just saw this as possibly my only opportunity to see you this weekend because I figured you'd be out busy with your family. Old habits die hard, and I saw every attempt you made and every correction made a second too late. As we ate and drank, I still didnt think yesterday would go how it went. The way we are when we're together is just absolutely natural. I can be myself around you, I can joke around, and I love that I can make you laugh saying the dumb things I do. I dont blame you for any of the choices you've made. We all go through difficult points in our lives and we want to simplify things as much as possible. I wasn't exactly helping either, being distant and not making much of an effort. But I feel like I can't not be with you. When I hold your hand, when i kiss you, when I hold you, I'm home. We'll be better this time around, I'll appreciate the little things. I'll still be sad when you leave, but I'll be excited to see you again soon.

This one doesnt rhyme.

I've been writing all these tumblr posts and recording all these YouTube videos because they're my way of reaching towards you. Every time I get the itch to send you a text or to give you a call, I just sit down and I write or I sing. I hope that you read them and I hope that you watch them, but that's all I can do, hope. I've stopped counting the days that we've been apart and I've been counting down the days til you come back. It's almost here, but honestly I dont even know what I'm hoping for. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to happen and I dont even know if you'd even want to see me but I'm still counting. 6 years ago I thought I'd never have another chance with you so I deleted your number and i unfriended you on every social media.i gave up on you 6 years ago. I dont believe in God, but by some miracle, you texted me randomly and the day after your birthday I got that chance I wanted so badly. Over the years, insecurities and fears pulled us apart at times, but we always came back together. I never thought it was because you didnt love me, and when you finally confessed that it was because you thought you weren't good enough, it broke my heart. That thought never even appeared in the back of my mind and im so sorry if I ever did anything to make you feel that way. On days like today I wonder why I dont just give up on you and stop checking my phone every few minutes. I can't help but think if my writing and my singing is only making this harder for you. I dont want to keep pestering you, but at the same time, there's a voice in my head telling me to keep trying. I dont need you in my life to keep living or to be happy, but I know that I'll regret it my entire life if I let you go. You're the kind of girl a guy meets just once in his lifetime. What hurts me most about where we are right now is that you're telling me you love me without telling me you love me. You hate this too but you don't think you deserve to be happy so you're fine with this going on. I want us to be like your brother and his wife, where they get their lives together and eventually come back together and get married and live happily ever after, but that's not how life always works. Life wont let us just put the love that we have on pause and hope everything works out in the end. And I dont just want to be there when we have things figured out. I want to be there for you the entire way, because I'm not just in it for the good times. I want to be there when things get to be too much. I want to tell you that itll be okay, that you can do it. And honestly, I dont even know if you're the one for me. I might not be the one for you. I dont think we'd ever really fully know, but the love I have for you, this love ive never felt for anyone else, this feeling of finally being home when I'm with you, is enough for me to at least want to try. I'll be damned if a few hundred miles keep me from the best thing that's happened to me. I dont care if we can't text or talk every day. The few minutes I get on the phone with you are the highlights of my day. I can't tell you how hard it is to call you laura. My brain just automatically wants to call you beb and when I hang up, I actively have to tell myself not to say I love you. But I do. This whole time. I love you beb, and I miss you so much. I'm overcome just saying it, it feels like it's been a lifetime since I've even written those words. I love you, beb.

I've got class in a bit but I didnt charge my laptop. I'll try to write this quick before my teacher makes me stop. The list of things I've wanted to say could go on for a mile. But the last time I tried you said you didnt want to hear it for a while. I dont know where you got the courage to write something so bold. Things I wouldve just kept with me til I got old. I've been saying what I need to through songs and posts. But it doesnt capture what I need to say the most. I miss your smell and the way your hand feels on mine. I'd be lying if I said lately ive been fine. I miss the warmth of your body pressed against my chest. The way you'd place your head on me and just let it rest.

I miss the softness of your gentle kiss.

I wish I couldve written you notes or made you songs before. Kept doing things to show I loved you more. You write these posts but I'd love to hear your voice. And I'll tell you you've always been my only choice. You have work today so I can't give you a call. Even though today I dont have to go to work at the mall. I wanted to leave you a voicemail to wish you a good day. But you picked up the phone and I didnt know what to say.

I woke up this morning to a tiny light one my phone. Your name was there on the screen alone. You told me you liked the song I had wrote. I texted you back a simple "I'm glad you liked it" note. The whole time I was at work i kept checking the clock. To see if you had replied but my screen only mocked. It was almost 11 and I didnt get anything. I eventually even stopped hoping. My boss called me in and started ringing my bell. About how we werent done yet and the store looked like hell. I grit my teeth and was about to snap. I hated this lady for giving me so much crap. Right as I was about to just quit, somebody called me and I made my exit. My face had gotten warm from the pent up rage. I did my best to keep keep calm like an actor on stage. When I took my break I went to see if you had made a new post. What I read made me happier than a tired ship making out the coast. I was ready to leave and drive north in a heartbeat. To see you and embrace you and sweep off your feet. The rest of the day I was walking on air. Nothing could ruin my day, I didnt care. Ever since we started writing all these notes I've stopping counting how many days you've been gone. I've been counting down the days till you come back home.

I always tried to write you songs when we first got together. My lyrics were as plain as conversations about the weather. I'd always find myself quitting shortly after starting. Writing down line after line only to keep restarting. Instead I started writing poems in our brilliant notebook. I'd be excited to give it back so that you could take a look. Things would go fine until I tried to add music. it'd sound so bad it would almost make me sick. I didnt think I had it in me to make you this kind of art. I guess all it took was a longing heart.

You're not mine so I shouldn't be this worried about you anymore. If that's the case, could somebody please tell me why I'm writing this at 2:44? I should'nt care where you are or who you're with or if you made it home. But I really wish you'd still let me know when you make it home. Then I would'nt be up at 2:54 writing this instead of sleeping some more. I told myself that I should just go back to bed. "Don't check her snap or tweets and get out of you own head". I don't care who you're drinking with or whos making you smile. But I care about who's dancing with you and trying to take you home after a while. Thinking about it makes my heart drops but somehow it still gets stuck in my throat. I feel more desperate than a guy lost at sea on a broken down rowboat. We're not together so I shouldn't care what you do anymore. But I'm still here writing in the dark at 3:04.

Irony

Lately I've been the embodiment of irony. I've been a laughing stock but I dont say anything funny. I've been living my life while at the same time constantly thinking about dying. I see the countless accidents on the news and it's absolutely frightening. Just this week there were 3 accidents on highways I take and there were casualties. I think about where I was at the time and how I couldve been in any one of these. I think about how we split to give our future together a good start. But that in that same distance I'd lose that part of my heart. I'd rather be poor and happy together than successful and without each other. Because in the end, is it really worth the bother? The money from any job isn't enough to buy the future we planned for. A life full of riches without you would still leave me poor.

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