My mum and da are amazing people. The hell they have both been through, and they guilt they have carried would have killed most people. Not them. They are stronger people than I have ever seen. They didnât end up bitter and broken. Or maybe they did, but they also ended up compassionate and understanding. My mother is a soft voice when Iâm afraid, because I feel the energy inside of me. She knows what itâs like to want control and how it feels to lose it. Da, heâs a steady hand and a patient gaze. When he taught us mediation, he could have gotten so pissed at me so many times. Because I canât do it like he, mum and Laurel can. But da just found another way for me to do it.Â
Laurel is everything I wish I was. Sheâs calm and collected, though before action. Her cross is no less heavy than mine, and yet she bears it with a quiet dignity I havenât figured out yet. I know sheâs scared a lot, but sheâs just like mum. Sheâs got so much drive and control. And sheâs brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. She got the brains, I got the regret. But she doesnât make me feel bad about it. She is an anchor when Iâm in the thundercloud, pulling me back down to earth before I do something I canât forgive. Sheâs always been there and I donât know what Iâd do if she wasnât. Sure, we donât always see eye to eye, but when push comes to shove, weâll take on the world for each other.Â
I already talked about Laurel, and sheâs my instant answer for this question. Leaving her out, it comes down to Ollie and Jimmy. Two vastly different lads. Ollie and me, we get each other. Sometimes, what you need most is an ass to kick. Weâve been through some shit, he and I. Never gotten arrested, though. So, I reckon weâre doing something right. Jimmy and I connect more intellectually, I guess is the way to say it. I mean, heâs smarter than Iâll ever be. But we understand what itâs like to live with an ability that feels more like it owns us rather than the other way around. The thing I donât understand, that maybe I canât understand, is why he works so hard to get rid of it. But I donât say that. I give him the understanding he needs, and occasionally get him out of a tight spot.Â
Since I reckon this isnât asking about dreams as in the things I see when Iâm asleep, Iâll spare you those stories. Never end happy, but so it goes. My dreams for the future are pretty simple. I want to be in control. I donât want to have to worry about going to a coffee shop and obliterating everyone because I lost it. I want to know that Iâm not going to kill everyone around me at any given moment. Career-wise, I still donât know. Iâd like to do professional MMA, maybe. Because I love the martial arts, and I enjoy fighting. But I donât know. I considered following my Uncle Parker and opening a garage. Iâll figure all that out as I go. Mostly, I just want the control. And I want the same for Laurel. That, and happiness. She deserves good things.Â
I donât know, honestly. On one hand, I donât go looking for one specific ideal, because then Iâm going to miss someone great, just âcause they didnât fit the box Iâd created. Plus, Iâm not sure Iâm ready to have a partner yet. I guess Iâd hope theyâd be the calm to my storm. Or maybe a storm that spins the opposite direction, so we unwind each other and let the dust settle. I tend to run high, so thatâs going to be tough for most people to live with, and I get that. I need someone who understands that Iâm going to ask for a lot of forgiveness, even if they donât think I need it.Â