Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal
I used to stamp this phrase on joyful photos as caption or use it for the main titles for journal entries about the better days. Today I got reminded of this phrase again. But in a state of melancholy and contemplation. Lately, I’ve been trying to practise gratitude; a life strategy that seems to be doable everyday. It’s easier to count the blessings than to count the problems some people may say. And I agree cause there can be too many things to be grateful for whenever you choose to seek it.
But it is an immovable fact that there will be days when the mind and body gets stuck in survival mode and any kind of emotional regulation would cease to operate. The inner critic gets loud while the faint voice of hope is still somewhat audible in the background but slowly fades away. So it can be an insurmountable task to have seeing eyes of gratitude on days like this. Not forgetting the fact that the brain can be even more unkind and remind you of the negligence of the past self, in my case the misuse or unacquainted use of this phrase of constant gratitude: Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal. Not to be confused with Alhamdulillah, this phrase is usually expressed in difficult circumstances with intentions to accept and surrender to God’s plans. So definitely not to be used as a caption which accompanies a cute photo of you and your girls after a nice hang out lmao.
Despite the phrase’s beauty and wisdom, I feel it’s still akin to a bitter pill that’s hard to swallow. It’s like walking into darkness hoping to find light that can guide. It renders you powerless and blinded at best. And I think to myself, how do I feel grateful for something that’s causing pain and sadness? How do I feel grateful for loss? Perhaps it’s okay to feel everything else other than gratitude for now. Perhaps it’s part of healing. Perhaps wisdom for this can only be attained through time. So many uncertainties yet the best thing to do is to hope.
If I had to be grateful for one thing right now, I guess it’s for the abstinence that Ramadan has called upon us to fulfil. Somehow the emptiness that we feel within can move us to fill our time with greater purpose and inshaaAllah all of it achievable. I hope in God’s eyes, there will always be merit in trying. I hope whatever that I am and whatever that I do is enough for now.
