★ || ❝The impossible is possible! All you gotta do is make it so!❞ [selective + private rp blog for kaito momota from danganronpa v3 ★ written by sammy]
Hey Tumblr, it’s been awhile. Long ramble on what the hell’s been up with me (read: why I’ve been ghosting everyone enough to legally be considered a poltergeist) under the cut. There is a TL;DR btw.
This feels weird to type up because I always intentionally try and make my posts like this impersonal and to the point, but I kind of feel the need to open up a little about my mental state, mainly because I feel I’ve been giving off the aura that I don’t care about people I truly consider friends, or at least want to.
Quite frankly, I have commitment issues. I’ve had so many rp blogs in the past, and even personal blogs that I abandoned wordlessly because I got a bout of anxiety and then was too anxious to go back and explain myself. I made about a million accounts on the same virtual pet sites as a kid because I mentally couldn’t go back to something I abandoned for too long. And I guess I have a tendency to just stop talking to people. I’ve also kind of figured people don’t want to talk to me so it’s fine if I don’t talk to them. It’s not fine; I probably made people feel bad because people do care about me, and if I have, I’m sorry about it because I do value the friendships I’ve made on Tumblr.
Several months ago I was talking to friends both online and in person all the time, and I’ve kind of mostly stopped that because I got scared of talking to people. It was a relief at first, but now I’ve just been feeling lonely a lot of the time. There’s no way to say this without sounding dramatic, but I have very little experience with having friends/an active social life and thanks to putting myself out there a bit more on the internet/starting university I got a much more involved social life very very quickly. I made me a happier person but at the same time I just kept trying to pretend I knew what I was doing/was perfectly put together, but that just wasn’t/isn’t the case. It’s hard to put into words but the smallest things scare me. I’ll spend 30 minutes writing a sentence to people I know very well during a casual conversation and it gets exhausting.
To make a long story short(er), I was in a pretty bad depressive mood a couple months back and I guess the pressure of wanting to isolate myself+being lonely because I was isolating myself+bad social anxiety got to be too much and I just kind of broke down. And then I had to travel to visit my parents and then I had to get (unrelated) medical stuff done and somewhere in all that things got better. And I was waiting for things to be normal again to get back in the swing of things but I don’t think things will be the same. Because I’m changing. I was a totally different person just 6 months ago, and that’s a great thing! It means I can do things better and not just fall into the same cycle.
Again this feels weird and dramatic and that’s not the intention. I’m not looking for a bunch of concerned messages, in fact that sounds intimidating and overwhelming. I’m not even sad writing this. I actually feel good being able to think this all though. Recently it seems like every YouTuber I watch is hitting rock bottom before getting better. Maybe it’s some kind of cosmic thing. Maybe everyone on Earth’s crazy and starting to get better right now.
Either way, I feel like I give off the impression that I don’t care about keeping friendships when they honestly mean the world to me. I want to put effort into my relationships and I want to be a better version of myself. So, if you want to talk or talk more or talk again, say hi. Start a conversation about video games or something. I’ll try to get better at starting conversations myself and really just try to keep the people I care about in my life.
As for activity, writing Kaito is introspective as hell and good for my mental health, I think. And I love it. Things are still hectic in my life, but I want to brush the cobwebs off this blog soon(-ish?).
TL;DR: Basically the point of this is that I have awful social anxiety that I’m rarely upfront about, and I know isolating myself hurts others just as much or more than it hurts me. I care about the friendships I’ve made on Tumblr, even though starting conversations is a daunting task. I’ve met amazing people here and if you want to be friends with me I probably want to be friends with you too. I just don’t have much experience making/keeping friends. But on the bright side, I think I’m in a mental place where I can at least try to change that.
“’course I got! Sadly I gotta admi’ tha’ some days are jus’ borin’ and all I’d do is sit aroun’ and eat chilli dogs, but, y’know.”
Sonic chuckled a little as he stood confidently, he loved bragging about his adventures after all. Normally people would only roll their eyes, because he uses to exaggerate things to make himself sound cooler but in reality he just sounds stupid and awkward. But he likes bragging. Please let him brag.
“Am still ‘lways very busy. People love me rescuin’ them, after all. Like, guess am jus’ tha’ amazing.”
Sonic. Your. Ego.
“Egg’ead’s probably been up to somethin’, since a lot of his robo’s are goin’ aroun’ lately. Not a big ‘ssue but still prominen’, I guess.”
Sonic’s exploits as a hero made him well-known enough for Kaito to understand what he was talking about, though it didn’t matter to Kaito how well-known Sonic was. He was still perfectly fine with offering his opinion on everything with the little context he was given.
“If his robots are going around, why are you just sitting here talking to me? Hell, why are either of us sitting here talking? We can yap about being great adventurers all we want, but we’re not gonna be able to brag about it for long if we pass up on the excitement going on right now!”
It may have been a bit of an overreaction, but honestly, all the talk of sitting around was only making Kaito more restless. “We can team up and take those bots down! It’ll be easy as a piece of cake! Then I can tell you some stories of my own afterwards! What do you say?”
Hello, hello! Ever wanted to talk to a girl that’s totally an Ultimate Fashonista? A girl that occasionally says ominous things but is totally a cute ray of diva-tinted sunshine through and through? A girl that is definitely not Mukuro Ikusaba in a wig?
Then you have sure as hell came to the right place! Leave me a like or give a reblog, and I’ll check your blog out, might even give you my autograph! Thanks!
{Indie disguised!Mukuro Ikusaba blog/ Semi-selective/ Penned by Dean}
The stories that I heard as a child kept me dreaming,
where magic runs free and imprisoned suns remain always gleaming
The fairy tales I loved have taught me
That no matter what hurdles there may be
Your wish comes true…
(Was I a fool to trust in those lies?)
“Cammy, I told you, I’m not gonna let you be a shut-in. I want you to take time off cause you deserve it. You work too hard!” Kaito wondered if the words we going to fall on deaf ears again.
“Look, I don’t wanna bring up any hard memories, but life’s been shit for you lately. I get that much. Sitting around here wishing it wasn’t isn’t gonna make it better.” His tone was as harsh as it was genuine. In reality, all his pushing was for him as much as it was for Yukio. Life lately was confusing. He wanted to have fun like a normal high schooler for once. “Having a good night won’t fix it, yeah, but it’ll help!”
Kaito leaned over her desk, trying to block her vision from the chemicals she had her eyes on. “I know you’ll regret not going. Isn’t it every girl’s dream to dress up nice and go to a school dance or something? I don’t want you missing out on this!”
Miu’s voice was so soft, something Kaito hadn’t come to expect from her at all. But this was the real Miu? Only because that’s who she was right now, he figured. After all, he was the real Kaito too, right? He’d been warned that talking to the people who didn’t keep their personalities or memories from the simulation could be confusing or frightening, but Miu looked so scared, and Kaito didn’t want to leave her alone.
“I, er, I’m glad you’re okay.” The rest of what she said didn’t make much sense to him. She was acting like she knew him, but she couldn’t. He didn’t really exist before all this. “I don’t really know what you mean, but if I wanted to study, I don’t think I could do it in a place like this.” He took a moment to look around barren looking building they were stuck at while they were briefed on the simulation. “It’s pretty damn depressing here…”
Glad you’re okay.
Wow. She never knew she wanted to hear something in his voice that badly. Happy tears welled in her eyes, grabbing fist fulls of his shirt she stayed close to him. The more he talked the more she wanted to demand the affection he had deprived her of. It took every nerve in her body to not pull his hands to touch her hair and face, some sign that he did love her.
‘Y-yeah, it is– it is depressing. I want to go home Kaito–”
Her voice sounded nearly panicked from how fast she was talking. It was more excitement, he was feeling the same as her about something. It was confusing how he didn’t know what she meant by studying. Though that might have been a good sign– this new Kaito felt like a blessing. A true blessing.
“I missed you.”
She didn’t know why. Where was this place anyway? Who were these people?
As Miu explained herself, Kaito slowly pieced together what she was talking about. “Iruma, er, I wanna go home too. And I wanna help you, make sure you’re okay and all that. But I don’t really... remember what you’re talking about.” He didn’t want to say it. Miu was clearly close with whoever he used to be.
He kept her close, rubbing her shaking shoulders as he continued on. “I’ve only got my memories from the simulation. I don’t remember my life before all this. So, er, I don’t remember you.” He couldn’t looks at her face after saying it, not wanting to have to possibly see it drop.
“But hey!” His demeanor changed abruptly, mostly out of desperation for something that wasn’t soul-crushingly hopeless. “I never watched that video Team Danganronpa has of me before the killing game! Maybe it’ll jog my memory if I check it out.” He didn’t want to care about the person he used to be, but his need to help Miu outweighed that.
a v3 doodle dump + merch drawings! some of these were drawn last year aaaA ;; (feel free to click for better quality if interested but captions have implied spoilers!)
