apo i feel it when i hold onto ingredients from the earth, i feel it in the music of the wind, my body is remembering things of the past that are beyond my lifetime.
the reds, the greens, the browns [the shit all over the mountainous ground] i'm seeing it slowly and clearly. i'm questioning the feelings in my own body, who are you, where are you from, are you external/internal, from the past, present, or future?; or are you simply like what i've come to learn, my twin soul that has their own adventure whilst i am asleep.
i would like to get to know you, if you are just a blockage or the energy of my other soul; if you could have a name, what would it be? could i talk to you? have i been talking to you?
lunar, i feel like the biggest crybaby known to man. i didnt realize i neglected you for so long, and i didnt know that it had been you this whole time.
this is probably going to be multiple letters to different individuals. so there might be multiple posts, probably. but i want to start with /jp/.
/jp/,
i don't understand. i don't even remember how much older you were from me, but i remember being so small; i can still feel the weight of my tiny body every time i get transported back in flashbacks. i remember you being so much older than me, i could have sworn you were at least 3 years older. you hung out with my older cousin, i remember now.
but i still dont understand what you saw so enticing in a tiny little child. i wasnt even 7 yet. i see so many little children around thay age and i feel so disgusted. how could you think to be sexually enticed with such small human beings you fucking freak.
and now you get to live? you get to runaway, deport yourself back, and live. i fucking hate your guts, you vile human fucking being. you got someone younger than me pregnant, you tore apart her life and mine, and possible so many other victims that i dont know about! that no one knows about! i hate that youre still out there breathing and i hope youre having a terrible terrible fucking life you piece of shit. you are just a piece of shit. i hope you lose everything.
we're talking about grief in this prompt\ write about what you lost, what has been taken away from you, the extent of the damage, and write about the things you need to grieve.
lunar, honestly i feel like i'm still losing things to this day. i've spent nothing but the entirety of my youth to my preteens to my teens and now adulthood struggling to let out any real ounce of vulnerability because that feeling feels like it could kill me in any moment.
i lived it every single day for 4 years since i was 6 years old and spent my pre teens realizing something bad happened to me and it was real. then it was all that i could think about, i obsessed and obsessed over sex--yet being sex repulsed simultaneously. i couldnt like anything without hypersexualizing it. i spent mornings scrubbing intensely on my skin so i could disappear, starving myself, doing god knows what to myself to cope and i couldn't cope well.
i lost everyone realizing all of that. when he got arrested for doing the same things to someone younger than me, and my mom asked if he had ever done anything and i said no, still haunts me everyday. i should have said yes, and i let that thought eat me, shame me into the same question of why didnt i confess. but as i get older, and i remember the face of that person that responded that of to be a 11 year old girl. the little girl who was also horified at the realization what he had done to me was that.
i think i was in shock? for most of the time, i was shocked. i think i acted out all my decisions out of shock and terrible realizations of the violations of MY little body. how does one bear that? reality is i didnt. i don't remember much but the snippets i do were of terrible men everywhere, online, offline, at home. everywhere. but if i'm honest i can only remember maybe 15-20 vague memories of the entirety of my youth. i lost all of that, i lost maybe the abuse but also all the good people in my life that i now dont even remember the names of because it's gone? that time period is just gone, i don't remember 90% of anyone from then.
i've had so many of old friends thay have texted me, called me, wrote me letters, and kept mine but i just could not for the life of me remember.
and i wonder if it'll always be like that or will the fog fade and it'll become clearer?
recently i've picked up this book; it's called, "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass. it's about women survivors of child s/x/al assa/lt and how to build up the courage to, well heal and it asks me to take in some writing prompts as we go through the chapters and i thought you would be the best option to talk to.
we've also been having a lot more flashes of memories, they're fragments but it helps me ground them by focusing on the background of each memory.
an old alter, well the original host of our system has finally emerged back and she's really really freaked out and in a lot of fear right now and i think it is because of this book.
i want to do this because i'm scared if i don't i'll end up in a bad space again and i can't keep falling really high with no support on the landing.
so lunar, you're returning because it's time to start tearing down each fear we all have.
a letter to gatto.
hey little gatto, it's been so long. i wasn't expecting you to finally come out so soon, but if i'm honest i'm really proud of you for fronting because that can get really terrifying especially after everything that's been done to you.
i wanted to let you know that, it's okay if you want to stay out and play a little while. i think i'm understanding now what it means to take care of you in the way you needed your caregivers and myself to do but neglected to do.
i'm really sorry i neglected you all those years, and i'm sorry your abusers did so as well and left you with nothing. but i'm ready to take accountability but as well as the responsibility and compassion that's needed to let you roam freely and confidently in the world again. you have such a bright light, intelligent, and so fucking clever so please. if you feel like you want to come out, we would all be excited to see you more.
/h
The Courage to Heal is an inspiring, comprehensive guide that offers hope and a map of the healing journey to every woman who was sexually a
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