Hello

Just random stuff, some thoughts, some poems, some stories, idk just whatever's on my mind

[lunarconstellation0]

So you know how when you are drunk you don’t actually know how you act?

Well so like on a Saturday night, I once went out with some friends and like most of us were drinking but I had one friend who stayed sober which felt weird in part because I have never gone out with her before and in part because like it was definitely not her scene and I was fully drunk so like yikes. But also like I came home and was totally beating myself up in bed and thinking that I fucked up again because I have zero trust in drunk me and think that she is a total idiot but like I asked my sober friend the next morning like how different we acted when we were drunk and she was like you did not seem different like at all. Which was excellent to know because like I totally thought I made a fool of myself and usually just assume everyone else I go out with was too fucked up to notice and/or too polite to comment on my awfulness when I see them later but no apparently I am just basically normal or a little quiet and I don’t seem drunk at all which is honestly great to hear for a variety of reasons.

TLDR: My drunkass thought I made an idiot of myself but my sober friend told me I literally was just normal and if anything more quiet than usual.

[lunarconstellation0]

Emotions are such horrible things. Horrible, inconsiderate, inconsistent things. They make me angry at nothing and sad at everything. I fall in love way too easily.

Its like. My friends and I are all currently single. I see no prospects in my future. And yet. We have a friend who I recently actually became friends with and one of our other friends had a crush on for a while (she has since had a boyo so like she has no interest in this friend anymore and she really started this thing). Since I live to be dramatic and am capable of amusing them with my antics and they know it doesn’t truly bother me to be bugged about things like this, they joke that I like him and he likes me and that we need to start dating because you know the tension leading up to people actually falling in love is the most interesting and amusing parts of a relationship to others. When you can go home and be like OMG, they held my hand! Or, in my case, my friends go OMG you guys held hands, and I’m like yeah we are friends and friends do that. (it’s all in good fun and honestly doesn’t bother me at all because they know I don’t actually like him that way and it is just amusing for us all). The problem however, is that I am actually starting to fall. Like I’m at the point where I would not be opposed if he asked me on a date. But I can’t tell them that. It would make it too real and I don’t want to ever risk the friendship because I don’t have that many guy friends since for a long time I shut down (due in part to depression shit yay sad feelings, pop off) and wouldn’t talk to boys like at all because idk honestly but like it just made me too uncomfy. But anyways, they keep talking about how cute he is and how we would be a great couple and it puts these ideas in my head and makes me fall and I have to keep trying my best to push the feelings down and away because logically there is no way in hell that he actually likes me like that and yet my stupid heart is falling all the same.

Long story short: emotions are dumb and stupid and I have no control over them and I hate it. I wish I could choose who I fall for or rather, not to fall at all and not to miss people when I don’t fall.

Honestly, emotions are dumb and stupid forever even just for the simple fact that I miss having someone to hold even though I have never ever had someone like that. Stupid hormones affecting my stupid emotions putting stupid ideas into my head. (and, unfortunately, my friends playing up how cute a couple I would make with our other friend does not help matters lol) 

[lunarconstellation0]

I should be studying. I should be doing something, anything. And yet. Here I am again. Just trying to survive. Wishing I could just erase myself without hurting anybody else.

[lunarconstellation0]

My mind is so scattered, I can hardly focus on anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like whenever I get back from a break from school I can hardly focus and everything feels off. What’s real? Heck if I know. Everything is dreamy and distant and I need to focus but I can’t focus no matter how hard I try.

[lunarconstellation0]

Okay, dark question, but is it weird to like occasionally randomly wish for death? Like cause then you don’t have to deal with things? Also, related question, is it weird to ask someone how they would kill themselves if they had to? Like? Genuinely curious here, is this just my messed up mind’s way of coping? Is it not an actually acceptable set of questions? Cause I kind of referenced these questions to my friends and they were all like we are changing the topic now, but I just legit wanted to know because like, specifically for the murdering yourself one, I contemplated it when I was in a darker place and I decided and idk I was just randomly curious.

[lunarconstellation0]

Going from ignoring my class and reading my book about fantastic heists and wonderfully horrible characters to actually paying attention to class and looking at models of ecological succession is such a change. Getting whiplash from going from intense high stakes fantasy to energy movement and biomass and nutrient cycling.

[lunarconstellation0]

Okay so like, I knew that I had small veins (due to someone telling me when I was giving blood once) and I knew that especially since every time I need to have blood drawn or get an IV, I have had them poke me in a different place (ranging from my elbow when I donated blood to my wrist with an IV to my forearm with another IV to the back of my hand to draw blood) but I guess I never realized exactly how small until I had to have some blood drawn at the doctors and they used the same needle to draw my blood as they use on infants and like yeah sure, that’s not necessarily something special, but also this was the first time that I haven’t been able to feel the needle so much so that it was all I could focus on so... anyways... baby needle for my baby veins 😬

[lunarconstellation0]

Mental Void

Don’t you just love this? 

The cruel, kind, tricky night. 

The blackness of death and sureness of life.

The void, the void, it calls to me.

The darkness black with caverns deep.

I don’t want to go to sleep.

The dreams, though, they summon me.

The day will come, though I still fight.

To do my best to survive the night.

[lunarconstellation0]

I’ve never really felt at home anywhere. Sure, when I’m away I miss home, and yet, when I return I somehow miss it more. I miss the concept of a home. A place where you can be yourself and get unconditional love without fear of judgement. A place where you will always have someone. 

For all intents and purposes, it looks like I have that. I should feel at home when I’m home. And yet, I don’t.

I feel like a burden. I feel like someone pulling everyone down with me. My interests are too different. I don’t quite fit in. No one at home really understands me. I have so many secrets. 

I am finally catching a glimpse of home, though. Here and there. I feel like in my apartment I can see glimpses when I live here with my friends. I still have my secrets because no one is allowed to know all of my secrets. Those I will keep. But, there’s enough of us here that I’m not as self-conscious because there is always someone to take attention away from me if I need it. It’s also nice because there’s usually someone there when I need to be around people. It’s unfortunate though, as it sometimes feels overcrowded and overwhelming and you need to deal with others besides yourself. I feel like I need at least this number of people to live with or to live completely by myself. Just one other feels too weird. 

I think, if I could afford to, I would like living alone. It’s one of my secrets I keep from my friends. The peaceful solitude and no one to bother me when the days are bright. No one to comment on your stylistic choices in décor and no one to be annoyed when you don’t have the energy to clean. No one to mess up what you just cleaned and no one to bother you when you do want to sleep. The only time I feel like I truly need people and the loneliness starts to hurt is when the day gets dark. During the day, I can channel that lonesomeness into productivity, but, at night, that's when my darkness comes out to play. Not that anyone I live with now even helps with that darkness. They are all in bed asleep ages before my mental breakdowns and fall aparts. No witnesses is my brain’s favorite phrase before it starts tearing me apart. Occasionally, I’m there and strong enough to stop myself, but, other times, I sooth myself to sleep while imaging my brilliant bright red blood painting the walls and floor a wonderful ruby color.

[lunarconstellation0]

Me, a native English speaker: words sometimes are bad and hard to say

[lunarconstellation0]

I’ve been thinking a decent amount about labels and sexuality lately. I don’t know, sometimes I wish that the default was no label at all. It’s weird because like I just feel like no label really fits me? Like I don’t know. Part of me feels like I belong in the queer community but then part of me is insistent that I don’t belong. Honestly, I feel more comfortable in the queer community than anywhere else, but at the same time, I don’t. I don’t because I don’t even know what I label myself as and so I feel uncomfortable because I publicly label myself as straight because none of the other labels seem to fit quite right. Like straight doesn’t quite fit either but it feels safer since its considered the “default” and I’m afraid of mislabeling myself in the queer community. The problem is that I don’t want to take that space away from someone else and I don’t quite fit in if I do take part in the queer community because I currently label myself as straight. I feel like maybe I could label myself as bi but that doesn’t seem quite right because I honestly at this point feel like I don’t know who I’m attracted to anymore because I have no experience in relationships at all. I also feel like I could label myself as asexual but that label feels scary and I just don’t know what I feel at all. Like, when I was younger, I had crushes on people, and thought that they were cute, but then when I thought about kissing them I was like nope that doesn’t sound fun at all, I just like them in a way that’s not how you like a friend. Its weird. And now, I feel like I haven’t had a crush on anyone in forever, like, I can objectively see people are cute, and I feel like I crave intimacy, but idk, it’s hard to describe. All I know is that labels are hard and scary and I feel like I don’t quite fit in anywhere. How am I supposed to know if I’m lacking sexual attraction if I’ve never felt it and don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like? Is that why in movies and books things escalate so quickly from kissing to more? I feel like I could never get so caught up in stuff that I go straight to more without being logical about it. Does that make me strange?

[lunarconstellation0]

Here I am again. Shouting into the void.

It sure beats fighting my mind.

At least now I’m making some impact on the world. Even if no one reads this, even if no one sees this. I’m trying I can say. I’m putting words down on a page. Even if it will never change anything or do anything real. At least I’m trying. At least I’m not crying. At least this lets me try to save myself. At least this makes me feel less alone.

I’m honestly so lonely. I don’t fit into this society. I’m deemed non-productive because I sleep half the day away and then am up late into the night and if I don’t do that I either spend half the night just trying to sleep or the entire day trying not to. My body breaks itself if I follow the set schedule that is accepted by society and yet when I don’t my body works but I’m deemed lazy and useless.

All I wanted was to be useful. To mean something to somebody, anybody. Why can’t I be important for once?

[lunarconstellation0]

I wish I could escape and get away. Go anywhere but here, be anyone but me.

I am trapped and it’s killing me. Slowly, but surely. I paint black lines on my wrists to avoid drawing those same patterns with a knife. I push my feelings down and away to avoid hurting people as much as possible and my mind takes them and turns them against me. I can either be kind to myself or kind to others. I can never have both.

I am trapped. Expectations pushing in. Everyone else knows what they want to do who they want to be. I’m just trying to stay afloat at this point. I never really saw a future for myself. I guess the depression never really let me. I had plans but those plans never went past make it into college. I lost my drive in my attempts to find myself. 

Now, who am I. My future looks bleak and lonely. Everyone else has somebody or something to live for. Sure, it could be fun to have a little home of my own even if I’m all alone, but then practicality sinks in. The home I see for myself doesn’t exist in this world. I don’t think it ever could. I want so much it’s poison choking me. 

I need a tether. Something or someone to hold me to this mortal plain. Someone to live for that won’t give up on me even when I want to give up on myself. Someone who sees my darkness and doesn’t run. Friends can’t do that unfortunately. They will end up leaving me alone, once they find their person. That’s how it always goes. Unfortunately my parents won’t live forever and my siblings have their own people too. I, however, will always be alone. Forever trying to find that piece that feels missing from my heart. Hopeful to find it in love but knowing I’ll never find love. No one could ever truly love me. I’m always too this or that. Too much. Too little. Too quiet. Too loud. Too off-putting. Too awkward. Too shy. Too bold.

I’m a romantic and yet always need to remind myself to be practical. I want love, but love doesn’t want me.

[lunarconstellation0]

Always the Loser

I’ve tried so hard but I can’t escape it

I’m trapped

My feelings and emotions

They always catch up

I’ve run so far and tried so hard

In all the possible ways

And yet

And yet

I still lose in the end

[lunarconstellation0]

You know, glances at many of the characters that I relate the most to or connect with the best, the fact that all of you seem to be in prisons of your own making in your mind or prisons/expectations that society has trapped you in and your character development has to do with your breaking free from those bonds and embracing your own power has no reflection on me and my life. Nope, that is definitely not why I relate to you. Not at all.

List of a few of them:

Juliette from Shatter Me

Auren from the Plated Prisoners Series

Inej from Six of Crows

Celaena from Throne of Glass

[lunarconstellation0]

Being labeled as quiet and being able to be quiet seems to have both blessings and drawbacks.

Blessing: You can walk around without calling attention to yourself.

Drawback: You can walk right up next to someone and they won’t notice you even if you are trying to be seen because you are so practiced at being quiet it happens by accident.

Blessing: It becomes quite easy to scare people.

Drawback: You can literally walk right up to someone making no attempts to hide at all and they won’t notice you and become startled when they do and think you suddenly appeared even though you literally just walked up.

[lunarconstellation0]

No one should ever be ignored or made to feel unimportant.

The Hating Game, by Sally Thorne (via lunarconstellation0)

I feel like I need to remind myself of this fact more and more lately. They say on studying abroad trips you will often make some of your closest friends and yet, for all my efforts, I often feel ignored and rejected here. I always feel like such a nuisance inviting myself along or inserting myself into conversations or travel plans but the problem is, if I don’t? I don’t get an invite and I spend the days sad and lonely. I’ve actually had to start planning trips to travel alone because no one invites me places and I want to go. The downside to that is then I have no one to share the joy of traveling with. I look around for someone to share my joy with and I’m all alone. In some ways, even though I am exploring, it makes me feel lonelier than before.

Another aspect of this that has been hurting my heart lately is the fact that I always used to think that, if I didn’t have super close friends, at least my immediate family would always be there for me. Turns out that assumption is wrong as well. I knew I wasn’t super close with my siblings, but I still thought I was fairly close. Until I tried to reach out and plan a video chat with my brothers because I miss my family, and seeing my host brother and sister interact makes me miss my own siblings more. I had already been video chatting with my older sister and that was good and I felt fine there, but the rest of my family and I didn’t really have a regular call planned. And I missed my brothers specifically because I’ve always tried to have a close relationship with my younger brothers and often been dismissed out of hand, but again, seeing my host siblings interact with each other made me really miss my own siblings and our interactions. The problem though, was that not only did it take much pleading from me to set up the calls, but I called with one brother today and the entire time it was clear he didn’t want to be talking to me, and he hung up as soon as humanly possible. It just hurt and made me realize that even among my family I don’t have the support system that I thought I did. Maybe that’s why I always love the books with the found family troupe and always been jealous of other people’s close relationships. Because I have often been made to feel ignored and unimportant and I have literally always longed for the easy relationships that I see everyone else has. Unfortunately, I also feel like I missed that train long ago when I lost my best and closest friend when I moved and now we have both moved on in our separate ways and no longer know each other and I don’t think anyone will ever know me as she once did.

This also relates to the fact that, in my health psychology class, we were discussing support systems and we needed to draw out our support systems and then share with the class what we realized from the exercise, and I didn’t share because I realized from that exercise that I have basically no support network. Like I maybe talk to my friends a bit and they are a tiny piece of my support network, but it mostly feels one-sided, like I am always reaching out to them and they never reach out to me. Even in our conversations, it often feels like I dominate the conversation and it is very difficult to get them to talk with me. So I always feel like a burden and like they aren’t my support network. My only other part of my support network was my family, but like they seem like less my support network and more like my tethers that force me to keep trying to find reasons to live on this mortal plain because I can't trust most of them with my secrets because they have shown in the past that I can’t trust them, and, though I know they would be supportive in whatever I do, I also feel like that support comes with expectations of what I should do with my life which just gets exhausting.