Wolf Mother

31 | Raised by wolves or some shit

[lupinemother]

No amount of collecting kindnesses piecemeal

Like a patchwork quilt full of holes

Will ever give me a moon I can howl to

I wish it weren’t too late

I wish we could go again

I wish you would do it right

[lupinemother]

My problem is I mean what I say except for the fear.

The fear is where I click my armour into place and pretend to be taller. This is where I self righteously proselytize about what’s wrong with this world and why their way is wrong. As if mine is the only right.

I can pick anyone’s flaws out like a frog with its darting meal. I’m hungry for it.

I’m hungry for inconsistency. What a paradox. It always leaves me aching. Empty. Starving.

What is left?

[lupinemother]

I always so viciously crave that which leaves me starving

Cold hands and colder lips

Yet, under my fingertips, warm like hypothermia

And feel like a poacher with a prized pelt in my arms when I hold you

And the rush is exhilarating

and I can feel my heart palpitating

And I know even though I’ve won, I’ve still lost

[lupinemother]

Your hand could have brushed my knee and I couldn’t breathe. But I knew you wouldn’t do that. Part of me really wished you would.

[lupinemother]

One day I'll be a person that remembers everything

They always say the secret to forgetting is not loving And I am so good at forgetting which means I’m bad at loving But so good at guilting And so good at shoving your hands away And you’re good and raising your hands above your head while I punch you in the gut You’re so good but so terrifying Because you remember everything I don’t Managed to leave me once and turn up against in the lyrics of every song about love I heard while you were off getting drunk or high or trying to forget I didn’t forget anything about you Except your birth date sort of I slide into the scenery like a chameleon Some days when I’m tired I don’t want you to see me But you see me, and I still dedicate songs to you in my head when I’m missing you and wanting to strangle her for having you when I can’t I still say it’s our song even if it’s a song you’ve never heard I still say you’re mine when you’re not But I’m still that chameleon And when I wake up, I’m afraid somebody else might end up being me With their hand inside yours instead of me I don’t want to have hands that don’t touch you Or a brain that forgets you

[lupinemother]

I feel like I’m going through something so alien. So un-understandable to most people that it doesn’t make sense to talk about it to anyone. It’s a weird, isolating thing but I feel like I can’t be a person again til its had its moment and I can break down and rebuild and be a person again. I’m a hollowed out house I left in the middle of the night without warning. Everything happens so goddamn fast and so painfully slow all at once and I don’t know how human beings were supposed to capacitate so much grief and so much lightness all at once. It seems unnatural. I feel the only place I can put it is here. I don’t want to talk about it but I don’t want to ignore it either. I just need somewhere to lay it down, just a for a moment. This is the only box I can find at the moment.

[lupinemother]

Just thinking of you and how I want to stop time already. How there will never ever be enough time.

Your fingerprints are already singed into my palm, your teeth sunk into me, your voice a bell ringing in my ears. You are equal parts haunting and soothing. A shadow over me.

Please, always be my ghost.

[lupinemother]

I finally got around to throwing away the little trinkets you’ve given me. Something about that feels like a deep inhale after realising you’ve been holding your breath for no particular reason and presses on the bruise of your absence all at once. Part of me hopes you never come back and some other part would be devastated if you never wanted to. It apparently takes half the life of a relationship to stop feeling the sting but I don’t know if I can take another year of this. I can smell the stink of grief in my room, coming off my body damn near like radiation, like I might ruin anything I touch. I doubt you ever feel like love has ruined you and quite frankly I’m tired of feeling ruined for it. I’m supposed to keep moving and I don’t know how humans are supposed to survive heartbreak and act as if a hundred or a thousand tiny futures didn’t just disappear. Just go to the bank, go to the store, go to work. See friends. I don’t understand how we’re supposed to just keep going. Why the world and why life can stop for just a minute long enough for any of us, for me, to catch a breath or maybe even a break.

[lupinemother]

A graveyard of bubbles

White knuckle grip

Blonde and holy bathwater

A damp forehead like a fever dream

You’re such an angel

And you appear to me so softly

Like the Holy Ghost

And I have no choice but to stare

To crave your cheek in my hand

To ache for when I felt you blameless

You were an angel then

I wonder if you’ll ever be an angel again

[missmisanthrope]

Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

[lupinemother]

Just thinking of you and how I want to stop time already. How there will never ever be enough time.

Your fingerprints are already singed into my palm, your teeth sunk into me, your voice a bell ringing in my ears. You are equal parts haunting and soothing. A shadow over me.

Please, always be my ghost.

[lupinemother]

when u get this, list 5 songs u like to listen to, publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (positivity is cool) 💖

(You don’t have to, but you should know you are my favorite)

On repeat for me lately apparently!

[ace-of-artemis]

6 of cups rev

moving on from the past

7 of cups rev

gaining clarity

king of swords

adding more structure to my life, more self discipline

lately has been a time of a lot of reflection. a lot of thinking, a lot of retreating into my own brain space, a lot of sitting with myself in a way where I relieve myself of judgment, and it’s been so edifying to my spirit. genuinely. I’ve spent the last several years wrestling with myself, with god, with angels, demons, anything I could fight with it seems and I feel like I’ve finally come to a reprieve. like maybe I’ve finally done what the powers that be, the universe, god, whom or whatever has wanted me to do this whole time. I am so goddamn mean to myself, meaner than anyone outside of me could ever hope to be I think. I think I’m finally figuring out how talk to myself the way I should have been talked to as a child. without so much..harshness I suppose. none of this is to say I’m anywhere near done but god it feels so good to be out of the doldrums. I’ve been in fight/flight/etc survival mode for a very very long time and I think my nervous system is finally calming down to where maybe I can just savour life. My life is so much better than it has ever been despite there being things that I wish were better or slightly different or completely different. I feel like I can rest here a while and do what I need to do while I wait for the chapter I want so badly. I’ve wanted to get out of the city I’m in for several years now and that’s a distinct possibility in the next handful of years and that’s comforting despite the discomfort that comes with all that change. I feel like I’m going to be okay.

[lupinemother]

I started a tarot blog!

[lupinemother]

Sometimes I wish I could walk the way I want to. I purposely walk like a man in public, at work, in a store, on the sidewalk. I walk with no sway to my hips, no flirtation, can’t be too much of a “woman” outside. It’s simply not safe. what I would give to be able to walk how I please sometimes, with certainty that no one would touch me.

[weltenwellen]

Margaret Atwood, from “November”, Selected Poems: 1965-1975

[lupinemother]

I’m just a little girl trying to move out of this condemned, falling down house

[lupinemother]

I want you to see the rabid animal I am and love it and love me as if I’m clean.