phoenix archives

rise like a phoenix from your own ashes, be proud and spread your wings

[luv4rrowz]

there's a comfort in suffering that you must get past in order to find peace. .⋆♱

 ೀ  ivy !! 𓈒   ˙  she/they ♡⃘   ₊

      𓏏𓏏  ୨۪୧

⠀    ✿   ֺ men dni ᄊ    ֺ   ⑅

main: @sweet4narchy

[luv4rrowz]

i could write more about my past life but im tired and no one's reading allat

[luv4rrowz]

i want to make my life worth

i mean, i have to live for something, build something that gives it meaning.

i've been roaming around for so long and i've never found a permanent thing that kept me hooked.

i've come to the conclusion i either give up on myself or i build something that i can live in

it's hard. i don't think my life has had much meaning.

for the past two years, i had no real ambitions.

i had an idea of what i wanted to be in the future. mostly due to my "attraction" for those who were sick and different. the people who struggled and needed help, and were excluded from society. i decided i wanted to be the person to understand them when nobody else could and the person that could listen and help, be able to ease the pain.

together with my dad's pressure of wanting me to be a doctor, i had decided to go to psychiatry.

if i was strong enough mentally, i probably would've.

the thing is, i wasn't.

because after that i was met with a life i didn't understand.

i had struggled previously with self-harm and body dysmorphia. (part of my motivation came from my own desire to be helped too)

but my already existent problems became huge issues as soon as i met him.

i wish i had listened to the people who tried to warn me, but i saw them as people who had already excluded and disrespected me so i didnt take their advice well.

in previous situations, it was the same pattern: as soon as i fell for someone, i'd loose all my self respect. i'd let myself get treated like a pet. i was fine with that. the person i was in love with became the center of attention in my head and nothing else mattered but them. i would loose nights of sleep talking to the people i like, doing things for them, handmade gifts, drawings, food, i'd buy necklaces and rings and everything i could to impress the person i liked. (with time i became less motivated to do this because all the things i gave weren't really appreciated- although i still have the desire to do that)

but in these relationships, although i was sometimes treated like a pet or with less importance, i'd get validation and i'd still feel secure and happy (most times).

the problem was the person who i met next. long story short i endured 8 months of getting triggered on purpose, jokes made with past trauma, threats of being left alone, getting cheated on, gaslighted, lied to, used, etc.

i had made this person my whole world and i would worship him like some type of god.

this didn't last. i would go through cycles of idealization and devaluation (like past relationships but now with the factor of the person having manipulative intents).

after months of this cycle, i had to break it. he had disappointed me one last time and i walked away. (which also didn't last)

one day later i had found myself walking to school with the bastard.

two days later we were going out again.

three days and we had kissed again.

four days and he had promised to become better.

five days and he started being his old self again.

and then he left me. i interpret this as him trying to "win". i don't really care why he did it, but i'm sure he didnt like me being in control of the relationship or establishing boundaries.

i had a very bad relapse.

the first weeks after were hell on earth.

going drunk to school, cuts everywhere, getting stitches on my leg.

i had lost "my whole world".

i had made someone that hurt me constantly the center of my life, let him control me and my decisions, i had basically nothing left.

my ambitions were abandoned for a future with him, a future that was "promissed" to me and that i hadn't gotten a chance to live, not once.

i was empty.

i spent so much time living in a complete delusion.

i managed to get my life back, bit by bit.

my friends had left me some weeks/months later and i was almost on my own.

(good thing now we have the internet)

i quickly made new friends, new people.

between new friendships and new places, i had become a way different person.

i mean, that wasn't bad at all.

but i hadn't fully grown or recovered from everything that had happened. (it keeps affecting me even now lol)

by ends of november/december i had already fled from a new relationship out of fear (and under the influence of friends) and soon after that my (ex) best friend had ruined the life i had carefully built.

i mean, not carefully but i was doing so much better.

and then i started drowning !

i became more depressed, lost interest in classes and my own future.

i started smoking more often, started struggling more with self harm again and body dysmorphia made me develop an eating disorder.

i had two overdoses in a month, one as an attempt to get high with dxm and the other one as a desperate attempt to fall asleep right away (that resulted in me not sleeping at all) and i wouldn't also mind to die but it wasnt the main goal.

i had tried to ruin my life in many ways, as i didn't find it worth living anymore. i was just keeping myself alive until i had found the perfect way to be gone.

until now, therapy has done a great job and once again, i found myself in a relationship with someone i care a lot about and i have started caring more about myself and trying to fix my problems instead of drowning in them.

which leads me to the question: what should i live for? what do i want in my life? how will i keep living?

apart from dbt i have to know what i want for my future, even if the world explodes in 2 years.

i'll make those 2 years worth it.

i want to help people.

i want to become a better person.

i want to stop all this self-loathing.

i want to live a happy and calm life.

i want to stop suffering.

how does one acheive that?

first, identifying what is wrong.

and then, what do i need to fix it.

my mood swings are a big obstacle.

it's the same with my fear of abandonment.

all that can be worked on with dbt.

i will also not engage with certain content that is negative.

i remember spending all the time on shedtwt, watching people giving tutorials on how to starve yourself and how to make big, deep cuts in your own skin.

its scary how often i'd consume that type of content.

i also will not do any drugs that can become addicting and develop a dependance. i am already limiting weed to certain social events because i noticed i was craving it too much when dealing with large amounts of stress.

sometimes it feels hopeless for me.

i have the deep desire to quit everything and run away.

but i need to stay strong.

it's the only way to stop the pain.

although it's the hardest way.

[luv4rrowz]

holy yap this took me 2 hrs omfg

[luv4rrowz]

i want to make my life worth

i mean, i have to live for something, build something that gives it meaning.

i've been roaming around for so long and i've never found a permanent thing that kept me hooked.

i've come to the conclusion i either give up on myself or i build something that i can live in

it's hard. i don't think my life has had much meaning.

for the past two years, i had no real ambitions.

i had an idea of what i wanted to be in the future. mostly due to my "attraction" for those who were sick and different. the people who struggled and needed help, and were excluded from society. i decided i wanted to be the person to understand them when nobody else could and the person that could listen and help, be able to ease the pain.

together with my dad's pressure of wanting me to be a doctor, i had decided to go to psychiatry.

if i was strong enough mentally, i probably would've.

the thing is, i wasn't.

because after that i was met with a life i didn't understand.

i had struggled previously with self-harm and body dysmorphia. (part of my motivation came from my own desire to be helped too)

but my already existent problems became huge issues as soon as i met him.

i wish i had listened to the people who tried to warn me, but i saw them as people who had already excluded and disrespected me so i didnt take their advice well.

in previous situations, it was the same pattern: as soon as i fell for someone, i'd loose all my self respect. i'd let myself get treated like a pet. i was fine with that. the person i was in love with became the center of attention in my head and nothing else mattered but them. i would loose nights of sleep talking to the people i like, doing things for them, handmade gifts, drawings, food, i'd buy necklaces and rings and everything i could to impress the person i liked. (with time i became less motivated to do this because all the things i gave weren't really appreciated- although i still have the desire to do that)

but in these relationships, although i was sometimes treated like a pet or with less importance, i'd get validation and i'd still feel secure and happy (most times).

the problem was the person who i met next. long story short i endured 8 months of getting triggered on purpose, jokes made with past trauma, threats of being left alone, getting cheated on, gaslighted, lied to, used, etc.

i had made this person my whole world and i would worship him like some type of god.

this didn't last. i would go through cycles of idealization and devaluation (like past relationships but now with the factor of the person having manipulative intents).

after months of this cycle, i had to break it. he had disappointed me one last time and i walked away. (which also didn't last)

one day later i had found myself walking to school with the bastard.

two days later we were going out again.

three days and we had kissed again.

four days and he had promised to become better.

five days and he started being his old self again.

and then he left me. i interpret this as him trying to "win". i don't really care why he did it, but i'm sure he didnt like me being in control of the relationship or establishing boundaries.

i had a very bad relapse.

the first weeks after were hell on earth.

going drunk to school, cuts everywhere, getting stitches on my leg.

i had lost "my whole world".

i had made someone that hurt me constantly the center of my life, let him control me and my decisions, i had basically nothing left.

my ambitions were abandoned for a future with him, a future that was "promissed" to me and that i hadn't gotten a chance to live, not once.

i was empty.

i spent so much time living in a complete delusion.

i managed to get my life back, bit by bit.

my friends had left me some weeks/months later and i was almost on my own.

(good thing now we have the internet)

i quickly made new friends, new people.

between new friendships and new places, i had become a way different person.

i mean, that wasn't bad at all.

but i hadn't fully grown or recovered from everything that had happened. (it keeps affecting me even now lol)

by ends of november/december i had already fled from a new relationship out of fear (and under the influence of friends) and soon after that my (ex) best friend had ruined the life i had carefully built.

i mean, not carefully but i was doing so much better.

and then i started drowning !

i became more depressed, lost interest in classes and my own future.

i started smoking more often, started struggling more with self harm again and body dysmorphia made me develop an eating disorder.

i had two overdoses in a month, one as an attempt to get high with dxm and the other one as a desperate attempt to fall asleep right away (that resulted in me not sleeping at all) and i wouldn't also mind to die but it wasnt the main goal.

i had tried to ruin my life in many ways, as i didn't find it worth living anymore. i was just keeping myself alive until i had found the perfect way to be gone.

until now, therapy has done a great job and once again, i found myself in a relationship with someone i care a lot about and i have started caring more about myself and trying to fix my problems instead of drowning in them.

which leads me to the question: what should i live for? what do i want in my life? how will i keep living?

apart from dbt i have to know what i want for my future, even if the world explodes in 2 years.

i'll make those 2 years worth it.

i want to help people.

i want to become a better person.

i want to stop all this self-loathing.

i want to live a happy and calm life.

i want to stop suffering.

how does one acheive that?

first, identifying what is wrong.

and then, what do i need to fix it.

my mood swings are a big obstacle.

it's the same with my fear of abandonment.

all that can be worked on with dbt.

i will also not engage with certain content that is negative.

i remember spending all the time on shedtwt, watching people giving tutorials on how to starve yourself and how to make big, deep cuts in your own skin.

its scary how often i'd consume that type of content.

i also will not do any drugs that can become addicting and develop a dependance. i am already limiting weed to certain social events because i noticed i was craving it too much when dealing with large amounts of stress.

sometimes it feels hopeless for me.

i have the deep desire to quit everything and run away.

but i need to stay strong.

it's the only way to stop the pain.

although it's the hardest way.

[luv4rrowz]

i think today i might finish the mindfulness module of dbt which means im getting in the most pratical stuff !

im proud of myself today.

i've also been drinking water and i took my meds and have been keeping myself calm by spraying myself with water and getting distracted.

this wasn't a good day at first, but ive been able to, despite my tiredness and stress, keep things manageable.

[shygirlsdream]

me

[luv4rrowz]

when you sleep 4 hours, arrive 50 minutes late to class and your teacher sr nuno cigarro starts telling you how you shouldn't care abt other's opinions (hes right)

[luv4rrowz]

mood swing r so unbearable

[luv4rrowz]

i just want to sleep

[luv4rrowz]

amo-te amor electro

[luv4rrowz]

We hear them run, but don't hear what you say

Now here we come, can't throw nothing in our way

[luv4rrowz]

a life worth fighting for

[luv4rrowz]

finally euphoria has came

[luv4rrowz]

what do i gen do when cold water is not helping, comfort songs are not helping, distractions are not helping, food isnt helping, sleeping isnt helping, i have no one to talk to, my best friend doesnt reply to my texts and i cant get out of my bed for nothing?

[luv4rrowz]

sometimes i miss what we were, m

[niktokof]

broo... i cant do anything but complain brooo......

[luv4rrowz]

mood swings r crazy cause wdym i was feeling numb and distant from myself and like "trapped" inside myself, then ready to kill someone and felt extremely euphoric like 1 hr later