luvless dreems.

A record of the dreams of a girl who can't understand them

[luvlessdreems]

[3.29.14] As a Christian.

The last scene of my dream was that I went inside a Christian private school with my mother. I walk upstairs to the second floor and then trip and fall. Clumsy me. I meet the pastor, who welcomes me. I go inside the children's office to see where do 6th graders register. A little girl told me in the young ladies' office. I guess I'm not a child anymore. I try to find the office door but drop my things. The pastor and I meet again and he helps me with my things. He tells me something but I can't remember. I thought he was referencing the make-up that I dropped it wasn't. My mom meets a lady that can help, and the lady recognizes that my mother wrote a book and lectures about Christianity and asks for her autograph. They go talk. In the end, my mother does not agree to put me here. Something about not having a childhood. Something about dorms and the fact that I will be there the whole time. The staff isn't happy. The wife of the pastor makes a rude comment. "People actually listen to my lectures," she says with a laugh. My mom and I leave. We walk by a park with a play area that had a slide and then a platform and then another slide. 

Before this dream, I was rehearsing a play. There was a clown, a witch, the protagonist, the protagonists' helper, and me.  I don't remember my role though. I was always off stage since they didn't need me yet. There was a lady who was always on the look out for me. Then, there was a puzzle or riddle of some sort and we had to get it before our death. I don't know if it was for-real or a part of the play. Someone got it though. We boarded a streetcar. Funny - I've never been on one. I got in my seat but couldn't sit straight up. It was too short! I told someone to take a picture since I was highly amused. I'm never too short for anything.

The first part of my dream (the first part that I remembered anyway) was in a new home. It was huge! There were several pools in the back and a little pool in the front. It was super cold outside, with it snowing and all. However, a friend and I wanted to jump in. We were going to but there were people cleaning the pool... while it was snowing, yes. One man had a tuba and was sucking the bad water out. I know that doesn't make any sense. It's a dream. 

That was basically it. I know that I haven't posted in a while. This dream was really long and I wanted to remember it. Also, I had a couple lucid dreams! Woohoo! 

[luvlessdreems]

[4.26.13] Stalker.

I was walking home, listening to music on my phone. I guess I was coming from my car because I was on the roof of a garage. As I was passing by a car, I suddenly turn around and there was this asian guy with a dark shirt and a light jacket and jeans. He stopped short, about 5ft away, and turned around. I didn't think much around it. So I walk towards the stairs and I see art on the wall. One of them looked just like on of the designs from my high school band shirt. I thought, "Oh, someone from my hometown is visiting! Then I realized that it was someone's "original artwork"." I was getting pretty mad that someone would claim that as theirs but then coming up the stairs is that same guy. I walk out of the garage. I'm trying to find my campus police number but I can't. It's not on my phone. I'm struggling to search the web for some reason. I'm just walking around by the garage and I see the guy come out of the garage and I hide behind a tree.

I am then in my dorm. Walking behind some girls, telling my roommate. I then see the same stalker. However, it's a girl with long brown hair and skinny. In my mind, she was my stalker. I put my backpack down to get out my laptop to find that police number. Then, she took off with my backpack. I react quickly and try to catch her. My adrenaline is high. We go down the stairs and after she opens a door, I jump her. A girl witnessed and I told her to call the cops. For a moment I walk away for some unknown reason. I walk out of my dorm and there she is walking with a lady. I see her and yell and she runs off. I am furious. I yelled at the lady saying that she stole my stuff. She asked why didn't I stick to her after I caught her. She also said that there's worse things going around this world than getting your shit stolen, like the Boston Marathon. I fired back that with all of that going on, there should definitely not be people who should be doing stupid minor things like this. The cops come. 

They find her and she's sitting on a bench, with a spotlight on her, cuffed. The officer said, "Let's walk and talk." and she replied, "I prefer to run." So, they got their running gear on and so did I. We ran towards the intersection, and back and forth. We then got on the street and I told them to run on the bike lane. The sun was just rising. We stopped in front of some store. We had a lunch break, and the cop wanted to buy some stuff. 

(Now I'm tired of typing ... )

Amusement park. Gloomy weather. Is it going to rain?

Eating. Saving leftovers. My boyfriend's friend gives us gifts.

My gifts were better than my boyfriend's.

We go to a shop to change out stuff. I curtsied the owner.

... and then I woke up.  

[luvlessdreems]

[4.16.13] Dress.

I was a part of this program as a student lead for one of the groups. I was in charge of these group of students. Although, they really did not like listening to me. We were at a table waiting for our food and I was trying to tell them my plan. They just weren't listening. They were too busy playing some dumb game. I got an email, and one guy thought he was the shit and that he already knew everything. No, you don't. So I tell them that the program has two phases, which the guy interrupts, saying Phase 1 and 3. No. asshole, it's Phase 1 and 2. The waiter asked if we were leaving, and we said no. We weren't done with our food, which was magically already on the table when I looked down. 

Next thing I know, it's the next day. I'm eating alone outside. Someone said that you should be eating with your group. I told them that they didn't want to sit next to me. I go away and find this little store. Oh look, my high school theatre teacher is the owner. A dress in the window caught my eye. It was mostly blue with some white lace. I thought I had to have it. I was looking around the store and there were just trinkets and stuff. As I was grabbing down the dress, all the team leads needed to be in the cafeteria, which apparently I was already in. All of a sudden, the team leads started twitching and horns grew out of their head. WTF. My teacher then said, "Too Humble Lisa isn't team lead anymore." I didn't have horns, but some other girl in my group did. Oh, well no more disrespect to me. However, some people were not too happy that I didn't have my horns. They started to corner me back into the store. My teacher yell at them to get out. Then I saw my ex's mom. Oh geez. First time I've seen her face since before the break up. But she turns away. A sad-looking guy walks in the store. He sits down. A blur. He tells me about a time ... a sad moment but then hope of how a blind girl came up to him and said that he has everything he needs and walked away ... and then I woke up. 

Man, the dreams you dream when you're sick .... 

[luvlessdreems]

[4.11.13] Argument.

My boyfriend and I were at a restaurant with one of his friends. We were looking at our menus and my boyfriend just decides to pound on me with so many complaints. I was fed up. Completely fed up. I just couldn't take it. I just walked out of the restaurant. I went hours without seeing or talking to him. 

During this time, I happened to be hanging out at some building with a friend. I ended up at the library later in the  evening. I remember seeing my cousin and there was something about tacos deliveries. 

I either got a call from my boyfriend or I called him. I really don't remember. He told me that when we first met, he thought I was a b**** but he thought I'd change. He said that he was wrong. I haven't changed and he doesn't think he loves me anymore. I was angry, upset, confused. I went home ... where we lived together.

The next day, I wake up. It was sunny and hot. I was definitely not feeling too well. I find my boyfriend in the pool with several other people.  He ignores me. I go to the bathroom and throw up. I go back to bed. He doesn't care how sick I look... and then I woke up. 

Today marks the day that him and I have been together for a year and a month. I am happy with him and we love each other. I mean there are things that we would like to change about each other, but I love him for who he is and his "flaws" are just a part of who he is. Why am I having these dreams of anger? 

[luvlessdreems]

[4.10.13] Grab.

My boyfriend and I were doing something ... but I guess I did something to piss him off. When I walked away from him, he grabs my arm. I scream at him to let go, but he doesn't. I struggle. He finally does.

I help out with some event where my university president will be there. I meet up with some high school friends and were hooked up with the best seats. Those were apparently in the basement which all the rich folk are at. All they do is drink and chat all for free and the presentation doesn't even matter.... 

Random. I am more concerned the first dream. It was scary to see my boyfriend handle me like that because he has never in real life. I don't know what to think. 

[luvlessdreems]

[4.3.13] Kiss.

Wow. I can't believe it's been over a month since I have posted anything. Well last night's dream has been stuck in my head for too long. I was in a room with someone - someone that I can't remember. He was working on a project that was built from wood, and as he was leaving, I was teasing him saying that it would suck if this project were to break on him. He laughs. I'm alone in the room, and all of a sudden, a saw accidentally goes through his wooden project and it's cut in half. What the heck just happened?? The guy comes in and I try to convince him that I didn't do it. He's furious. I had the bright idea of saying, "If I kissed you, would you believe me?" The tone of the guy changes. The look on his face shows that he's interested. I tell him that I have a boyfriend, but it's too late. *disclaimer: the next content is not appropriate* The guy pins me to the wall. I can see his broad shoulders in his tank top. I just stare at his chest, and I don't look up. He starts to kiss my neck, and I try to push him back but give up too quickly. He kisses up to my lips, and locks his with mine. I'm not fighting it. I seem to be enjoying it. We stop. Oh no. What have I done? .... and then I wake up. 

[1am? - 9:15am] 

[luvlessdreems]

Thoughts.

First off, I haven't posted in a while. Some nights, I don’t dream and some days, I just don’t have the time to wake up and type. This post is different. It’s almost 5am and I lay here wide awake. I just want to escape for a bit. I want to have no worries and stop thinking so much. It’s one week away until I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. It’s gone by fast. We’ve talked about our future and I can imagine continuing my relationship with him after college. However, that is years away. He lives about 300 miles away. I only see him every two weeks or so. Well, it’s almost been three weeks snd I won’t see him until next weekend. It struck me today that we are in a long distance relationship, and it’ll be like this for a while. Can I handle it? Can he handle it? I start getting scared. Neither of us wants to get hurt. But it hurts so much when I feel like I can’t be there for him. To comfort him and turn his day around when he has a bad day. He says he’s fine, but is he really? I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I am enough for him. Am I being a good girlfriend? How can I be reassured? So many questions left unanswered… I always have trouble speaking my thoughts to him. It all just comes out in tears and jibberish. Why can I explain myself clearly? I am so emotional and one day, I feel like he’s going to get tired of it and leave me. So, after just a year, do I really know my boyfriend?

[luvlessdreems]

[2.22.13]* Different.

I was told to help cut my mom's friend's hair. It was extremely long, and I wasn't done, but she said it was okay. I put the hair in a bag, and was trying to get to the trash can. My grandmother was in the way, since she was putting up dishes. I threw away the hair. I go off into my room. It's dark ... time passes, and I wake up, and so I walk out. My ex-boyfriend, who, in my dream, is my current boyfriend, is waiting for me. He was wondering what I was doing. I told him that I was sorry to keep him waiting. 

I'm then in my dorm room. But it's not my actual dorm room. It's different. There's three beds. I figure out that I had switched to the adjacent room since it was vacant. I didn't have the key to my room. I walk out, passing a gate. I try to lock it, and I broke the key. I managed to wiggle it out though. 

I dropped my English class, and I left one of my friends hanging. We were working on a project. There were water coloring pages that I had to do. I remember golden dragonflies and water. It was supposed to be scenes for something. 

I find my boyfriend. A cop comes up to him, furious. He was threatening him that he was going to toss him in jail for all the things he said. I kindly went up to him and said that I said those awful things like calling him a dick. I apologized and hope that he could forgive me. Did I really do that or was I trying to save my boyfriend? His temper cooled and said it was okay. We had to go to another cop to tell him to cancel a report. He said he needed a married couple as witnesses. One of our old friends who were dating signed a marriage certificate and vouched for us. The news wanted us to be on camera. I told them no. I didn't want anyone who knew me to know what happened. 

I go back to my dorm room, and I have to wait for someone to slide their ID since mine wouldn't work or something. I get lost. I circle the dorm. I can't remember exactly what hall I live in. There were blue walls. I somehow got outside. I'm walking by these cheerleaders. One is wearing gold and green. It's apparently the school colors... and then I wake up. 

And I called my current boyfriend. I was in a panic. For no reason. I told him parts of my dream. I just said that I was at a different school, different dorm, and that I wasn't with him. I was sick and tired of all the odd dreams. Well, it wasn't odd because nothing supernatural really happened. I just felt like I was living a different life. I sounded so silly on the phone. I guess I just needed to know that that didn't actually happen. I really hate the fact that my ex is in my dreams. I don't want anything to do with him. If I told my current boyfriend, I think he'd actually be upset. He would probably wonder why I was dreaming about him. He believes that I can control my dreams. 

[luvlessdreems]

[2.22.13] Comfort.

I was trying to get somewhere, and was telling a friend the directions. It was mid-day, and we were in the car. Made a couple of wrong turns, but we finally got onto the right path. 

It was dark, and I was alone, driving. My boyfriend called. He told me that he loved me and missed me. I say the same and start crying. 

It then became a new day, and I was on my way to see him. It felt like we were celebrating our one-year because I was nervous about the gift I got him. I got out of the car, and we went inside his house. He grabbed me in for a kiss and held me for the longest time... and then I wake up. 

I realized that my significant other is in majority of my dreams. He's one of the last people I talked to before I go to sleep. We talk every day, but we don't get see each other whenever we want. It really is hard. Really really hard. It's another 3 years before I graduate college. I always wonder if he's the one for me. I know it's only been a year since I've been with him, but the way he makes me feel is beyond what I have ever felt. Sometimes it's hard for me to explain myself. I don't know the right words. I can't even tell what these feelings are. It's all just happiness and joy and feeling loved. 

[luvlessdreems]

Today.

Me: Heyyy.

My Roommate: Good morning.

Me: ... It isn't morning.

My Roommate: ... Fuck.

[luvlessdreems]

[2.21.13]* Argument.

I remember driving. My boyfriend and I were fighting. He took me by the shoulders and shook me hard, yelling at me. He was so mad. I can't recall why though ... 

What bothers me the most about this segment of this dream is that my boyfriend is acting pretty agressive. It makes me wonder what would I do if I was put in that situation. I don't tolerate domestic violence. But unlike cheating, would I still be with him? I know a couple that's years ahead of me. It's actually my ex-boyfriend's mom and his to-be stepdad. I was visiting for Thanksgiving, and this guy went CRAZY. I mean bad shit cray. He beat my ex's mom and took a gun to her. We were in the next room. He heard banging and yelling, but my ex and I had no idea that she was the one getting hurt. He left. She came out and expected us to act like nothing happened. Cops came, got their report, I made a statement to CPS.... end of story. They're still together. So, how far would you go if you loved someone? 

[2 - 4:45pm] Nap time. 

[luvlessdreems]

[2.20.13]* Asian Frat.

There was this very attractive Asian guy that I became friends with. We'd always be running around doing things together. Skinny. Not too tall. Fohawk. Piercing on his ear. What a jock. haha. Definitely not someone you'd bring home to your parents. Anyway, we went to my dorm and wanted to get something at the front desk. Though, I ended up playing a video game. It reminded me of Adventure time. I was trying to not step on these large circles, hills, or whatever, and then the villain/witch gets angry, and turns them into faces to where if I get anyway near them they would eat me ... alrighty then. That's that. 

I'm still struggling to remember! It is a little concerning that I'm dreaming about liking another guy, especially since I'm happy with the one I have now.

[12pm - 3pm] Nap time. 

[luvlessdreems]

[2.20.13] Pregnant.

I go to a clinic. I enter a room. There was the table, like the ones you lay on during a check-up. It was black and the room was pretty darn small. I hate the doctor's office. I find out that I'm pregnant, and I'm scared out of my wits to tell my mom. She would then know that I was sexually active. Yet, I made the call and she was just going on and on about how bad my boyfriend is. Yes, the father would have been my significant other.... and then I woke up.

So there's actually more to the story, but I was running late to class, and I forgot parts of it. I'm pretty sure this dream had to do with the fact that I was watching vlogs of one of my favorite beauty gurus and her baby is so cute! However... I'm not interested in having one yet. 

[3am - 9am] 

[luvlessdreems]

[2.18.13] Work.

I was walking through a mall, trying to get somewhere. I end up at an office. I was running late to a meeting. Oh dear. I'm working for Pinnacle. I shove my stuff in my cubbie. Hah, we have cubbies at work? Nicceee. Apparently, I made cupcakes for my boss... and then I woke up.

Gosh, so hard for me to remember my dreams now... I should really stop waiting to post these days later.

[luvlessdreems]

[2.8.13 - 2.17.13] Recap.

Sorry for the inactiveness. Let's recap on the missed days, shall we? 

- My significant other and I were on a street. It was night time. I was dancing around half-heartedly. There was a spider that got on me and it freaked me out. My boyfriend didn't help. He's scared of spiders (in real life). We were then in an elevator with a couple in ice skates.

- My boyfriend and I were at my apartment at home. I haven't seen him in a while. I take a look at him. There's piercings all over his face. On his eyebrow, his lip ... ugh. So disgusting. He even has tattoos. There was one that was pretty big on this lower right abdomen. It read "Princess", and another that went up and down on his right thigh, but I can't remember what it read. I was infuriated with him. I told him that he's a different person. I was screaming at him, and I believe at that point I realized that it was the first time for me to do so. 

- My dad was in the car with me, and we were driving around my hometown at night. We were trying to find a place for a bike. I was then looking at a surveillance camera of a bedroom. There was my boyfriend .... and his ex. I think they were in Vegas together for a couple days. At least I can see that he's faithful. 

- I was in a room, and it was quite dark. I don't remember much of it now. Pretty empty. I was with my high school band and we were on our way somewhere. Restaurant? We were crossing streets. It was then the next day, and I was walking around alone at an outdoor mall. I went into what seemed to be the Disney Store. I really wanted this green and white dress that was on sale. I was only there to kill time while I waited for my mom. I was about to pay for the dress when I realized that I forgot my wallet. Dang it. I checked my phone. There's a picture of a couple people from my band on Facebook, at a table, and the caption read "Great job, guys." Oh no! I missed the concert. I'm in a panic. I don't know how to get anywhere. We were playing in Miami. I call my mom, raging, in tears, and asking why she didn't come for me. I missed my big chance. She thought I wasn't interested. I'm bawling so hard that I wake myself up due to the actual sound of my fast breathing as if I was crying. 

So there were some of my dreams this past week or so. A lot included my significant other, I must say. I realized that the emotions that I have in my dreams are so vivid, that I wake up feeling the same way. Strange. 

[luvlessdreems]

[2.6.13]* Emotions.

I was on a phone call with my significant other. The call dropped, so we decided to skype. My mom calls for me, yelling at me if I had pretzels or not. I told her yes, and as I was trying to slam them down on the table, it lands all over me. I'm furious. My boyfriend isn't paying attention to me as I talk to him. 

I was in a Q&A make-up session in a small room. Everyone was asian. I asked the lady if I would need to use setting powder even if I had dry skin, and also how often does she clean her brushes. I was looking at some stuff that she had laid out on the table. I then proceeded to the shelf on by the table. I suddenly saw pictures of my relatives and my mom when they were kids. Self-portraits. I went up to ask her why she had these. She told me she knew them. My mom and two of my aunts appeared. They were dressed pretty nice. I told her I found a picture of her. She didn't care. She did notice I was carrying a big white plastic bag. I remember looking through it and organizing the Cambodian DVD's. I told her that I didn't buy anything. We walked together, away from the room. We're outside. My elbow is stinging so I take off my jacket. There's a burn mark. 

I'm walking around a series of showers and toilets. There's a women and men's section. I wander through most of the women's. There are female marines here. They look scary. I overheard a conversation. Looking at porn wasn't an option in bed. The people in charge make the girls were these big blue bows to sleep. I tried going into the stalls, but there was a bit of blood in each one. I asked a lady if the women aren't supposed to flush. She looks at me funny, and says that they're supposed to. 

I run out. I'm in front of the building and a police station. I feel lonely and lost. I dont know what to do. I came on my own will, but I don't know if I should leave. A man calls for me. He tells me to get in the car. It's Hilter. Yes. Hilter. For a moment I was thinking, "Holy crap ..." , but I go into he's car. He's get on the road. He said he wanted a daughter to surprise his wife. I'm overjoyed. I hug his wife. They're on a road. We're in New York. The weather is bad. I then see a tornado up ahead. I thought we were going to die. No, it's actually some super hero but I don't know which one. There's actually several of them flying around. 

We arrive at this big white house. There are a ton of kids outside playing. I was thinking, "oh great, I'm going to have to take care of all of them." I took a white ball, bounced it on the ground, and proclaimed that I am princess. A security guards questions me... and then I woke up. 

So I text my boyfriend and he's actually annoying me. Is it because I was mad in my dream? I really felt the emotions. Mad. Scared. Bored. Lonely. Wanted. I did dream about showers and toilets in the past. That was interesting. 

[2pm - 4pm] Nap Time. 

[luvlessdreems]

[2.6.13] Home.

I went to my mom's store. She got a coffee maker. I started playing with the bean grinder on top. My mom asked me what I wanted for dinner. Taco Bell, apparently, seemed delicious to me. I drove home, and people were helping us move things. There was a box of pictures. One of my ex-friends was there. I think she hurt her foot when moving stuff. Someone knocked. There was this creepy looking guy who had bad sideburns. I slammed the door on him. My mom started to yell at me, saying that if it weren't for him, our house would be robbed. I told her that she could still catch him if she wanted to give him something. She threatened me that she would hook me up with him on date even though I already had a boyfriend ... and then I woke up. 

What pictures were in that box? 

[3am - 9am]