i have this old notebook which i used to write about my deepest thoughts. i wrote about my inner demons, my dark depression and suicidal plans. it was 4 years ago when i was 18.
today i saw myself reading what me from 4 years ago wrote for posterity, and the same tears from yesterdayās, from last months, last 4 or 7 years ago stills streams down salty as ever.
thereās so much in that notebook that would make my parents so sad and i hope theyāll never read that (but i also hope they will, i still need help).
what pains me the most itās these paragraphs.
ā ālately iāve been thinking so much about death. i donāt know if iāll be here to live my 20s or 21. i canāt see a future and something tells that next year will be my last year.ā ā august 18th, 2014
ā āiām the worst. sorry. i hope to be with you until the next world cup, but forgive me if iām not.ā ā august 18th, 2014
ā āwhen i die everybody will be sad but iām sure nobody gonna miss me and everything will go back to normal.ā ā august 18th, 2014
ā āhurts to think that death itās a great optionā ā september 4th, 2014
ā āi still donāt know how to live and day by day i feel like death itās coming my way. will it invite for a last coffee cup or do i have to invite it?ā ā march 10th, 2015
i have to confess that i tried to suicide, but as you can see iām still here.
and today itās my 22nd birthday. i still think the same. i still think like my 18s-self that was deep in depression or my 15s-self that was living with depression for the first time. i still ask myself why iām still here, why keep on living or just why. iāll never have those answers, but i tried my best to survive.
now i have a beginner career to risk myself and that itās already enough to keep me alive. that makes me so happy and if someday iāll be able to make that what i live for, my money maker, iāll be the happiest.
iām just sharing this here cause i know nobodyās gonna read this. it is just for me of 3 or 4 years ahead reads this and compares to who i am in that present. iāll hope nothing to my future because life itās just a empty hope, but all i can say for now itās that iām glad iām alive for now.
english it's not my native language but i feel the need to share this; even if you are in so much pain and sadness just be glad to be alive. there's someone who loves you and look up to you. learn how to love yourself before anyone else. learn how your pain makes you strong, and don't give up! you gonna make yourself proudā¤
gummygunk
yousharknotpass
kianamaiart
