i have this old notebook which i used to write about my deepest thoughts. i wrote about my inner demons, my dark depression and suicidal plans. it was 4 years ago when i was 18.
today i saw myself reading what me from 4 years ago wrote for posterity, and the same tears from yesterday’s, from last months, last 4 or 7 years ago stills streams down salty as ever.
there’s so much in that notebook that would make my parents so sad and i hope they’ll never read that (but i also hope they will, i still need help).
what pains me the most it’s these paragraphs.
– “lately i’ve been thinking so much about death. i don’t know if i’ll be here to live my 20s or 21. i can’t see a future and something tells that next year will be my last year.” – august 18th, 2014
– “i’m the worst. sorry. i hope to be with you until the next world cup, but forgive me if i’m not.” – august 18th, 2014
– “when i die everybody will be sad but i’m sure nobody gonna miss me and everything will go back to normal.” – august 18th, 2014
– “hurts to think that death it’s a great option” – september 4th, 2014
– “i still don’t know how to live and day by day i feel like death it’s coming my way. will it invite for a last coffee cup or do i have to invite it?” – march 10th, 2015
i have to confess that i tried to suicide, but as you can see i’m still here.
and today it’s my 22nd birthday. i still think the same. i still think like my 18s-self that was deep in depression or my 15s-self that was living with depression for the first time. i still ask myself why i’m still here, why keep on living or just why. i’ll never have those answers, but i tried my best to survive.
now i have a beginner career to risk myself and that it’s already enough to keep me alive. that makes me so happy and if someday i’ll be able to make that what i live for, my money maker, i’ll be the happiest.
i’m just sharing this here cause i know nobody’s gonna read this. it is just for me of 3 or 4 years ahead reads this and compares to who i am in that present. i’ll hope nothing to my future because life it’s just a empty hope, but all i can say for now it’s that i’m glad i’m alive for now.
english it's not my native language but i feel the need to share this; even if you are in so much pain and sadness just be glad to be alive. there's someone who loves you and look up to you. learn how to love yourself before anyone else. learn how your pain makes you strong, and don't give up! you gonna make yourself proud❤
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