ｌｙｒｉｃａｌ ｂｕｎｎｙ

Unsent letters. Nothing else.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: Medicated

You mention that I’ve been really standoffish lately.

I’m sorry...

I don’t know why. I’ve just been in a weird mood lately. Unfortunately I think it’s because I’ve been skipping my meds a lot. The app on my phone hasn’t been reminding me so I always forget. At first it was intentional because I wanted to space out my meds so I have enough for when I am uninsured. But now it’s because I simply forget. I think. Or maybe part of it is intentional.

Either way I’ve noticed a difference.

You say it’s good; that it’s a sign that my meds work.

But since you’re having an issue with my non-medicated self... Does that mean you don’t really like the ~real~ me?

I know that’s probably something silly to think but... I can’t help it.

Do you only like me when I’m on my meds?

Haha.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: One-sided

I don’t know. I’m conflicted. I don’t know what to do.

I know if our roles were reversed you wouldn’t hesitate to stay home instead.

But why am I conflicted?

Am I a bad person?

I mean isn’t that the whole reason why we went this year? Because we weren’t sure if we can go next year? So it should be an easy decision for me to make, right? Especially since you would be upset?

But I can’t decide. I can’t decide.

I would very much prefer to go with you, yes. I have no doubt in my mind about that.

If you can go then holy hell we will have an amazing time.

Yet even if you can’t go, part of me wants to.

Not because I really really want to go to Japan (I do) but because... maybe I should. In a way I think I rely on you too much. I don’t want to go without you not only because I want to do everything with you... but because I’m not comfortable without you. And I don’t think that’s a good thing.

They’re pretty much our only irl friends. And I’m not comfortable traveling with them without you. How stupid sounding is that?

I don’t know what to do.

Because even if your new job says you can go... should you? Can you afford to?

But again... If our roles were reversed... I’m sure you’d pay for me if I couldn’t afford it.

Yet I’m hesitant to do the same for you.

Why is that?

Why am I like this?

I’m so worried that if the amount you owe me grows that’ll be just another point of contention. I mean I guess technically I can just say you don’t owe me and I’ll literally just pay for your trip but I don’t know...

Don’t you think our relationship is one-sided in some ways?

Like how you’d do things for me that I wouldn’t for you?

Isn’t that unfair to you?

Why are you still here with me? I don’t understand.

Why am I so conflicted about whether to go without you or not? Even though I know going will only upset you? But do you mean what you say about how if I don’t go you’ll fell like you’re holding me back...?

I’m sorry. I’m assuming you can’t go. Hopefully you can though. I really do hope you can.

I hate myself for not know what to do. If you were me the answer would be easy.

Is there something wrong with me that I don’t want to pay for you? Is there something wrong with me that I still want to go despite your possible resentment? Is there something wrong with me that I can’t do things without you? Is there something wrong with me that I hesitate while you would not?

Can’t you see it’s so one-sided?

Why are you still with me?

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: Let’s go

You think scary thoughts.

I think scary thoughts.

I’m tired too.

Let’s go together.

:)

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: Card

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I love you so much.

I keep thinking about the look on your face when I tried to rip your card.

I know you poured your heart and soul into it and yet... Even though I wasn’t really upset at you anymore... Even though I had forgiven you way before that - though really it’s mostly my fault and not yours.... Even though I truly cherished the card...

I hate it.

Why am I like this?

I wanted to tell you that it’s okay. That I’m sorry. But I kept going.

I kept going.

Why?

Why?

I don’t understand.

Thank you for loving me despite all the horrible things I do.

I don’t know why you do it. How you do it.

I still think you’ll be happier with someone else.

Maybe that’s why I am the way I am. That’s why I escalate things so easily or have a hard time apologizing.

Because I don’t want you to like me. I want you to hate me. I want you to realize that you can be happier without me.

And yet you’re still here. Despite all that I’ve done.

I’m sorry.

I want to be happy with you too. Not with anyone else.

So why is it that I don’t believe you should be with me even though I want us to be happy together?

I don’t understand it.

Why am I like this...?

Thank you for putting up with me.

I hope you’re right and that we will be happy.

I want nothing but the best for you.

I love you.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Nobody :: mg

38 mg lorazepam

9000 mg acetaminophen

900 mg codeine

alcohol

maybe soon.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: ね、ね。。。

Hey.

When will you realize I’m a terrible person?

I’m a jealous person.

I don’t let you do things even if there’s no valid reason why you shouldn’t.

I’m the reason you’ve lost connection with many of your friends.

I’m the reason you get sad, frustrated, angry a lot of the time.

One day you’ll realize it though.

I’m scared of that day.

It tore me apart to see you cry. But I don’t know why... I couldn’t stop.

Even though I wanted to just hug you and tell you everything will be okay.

Why am I like this?

Why?

I hate it.

I really think you’ll be happier without me. You just don’t realize it yet.

But one day you will.

One day.

That worries me.

I love you. I really do. I haven’t stopped.

But I really think you’ll be better off without me. Today’s ordeal solidified that.

So let’s stop this.

You’ll be happier.

Trust me.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: Happy

Lately you’ve been saying that you just want me to be happy.

I think twice already you said you’d buy me stars for that reason.

Whenever I hear/read that I always have to pause.

Yes, that would make me happy; at least momentarily.

But in the end

I’m still

me...

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Nobody :: ?

I don’t understand.

Why am I still not happy?

There’s nothing to be depressed about.

But I still am.

I’m so stupid.

Haha.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Nobody :: Bad luck

I hate the way I am. I hate the way I treat others. I hate the way I cry over something even though it’s my fault. I hate it.

I don’t understand why I’m still here.

I remember seeing a video a while back about how the ones left behind are coping... or aren’t...

And it makes me feel terrible. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel that way. I’m scared they would blame themselves for not doing more.

So really.

A while back I thought maybe it’d be best if nobody found me.

But now I’m thinking the definite way to go is to make it look like an accident.

Don’t you think?

Then it won’t be a question of “why didn’t I do enough?”

Instead it was just a stroke of bad luck.

Nobody is to blame.

Everyone moves on.

Happiness ensues.

I like that.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: Hypocrite

I’m a terrible person.

I know you get depressed sometimes.

Hell, maybe you even have depression.

(I hope you don’t... But if you do, I want to know. Granted, I want to know everything. I’m such a controlling person that way. It’s horrible.... I’m sorry.)

I’m such a hypocrite though.

I’m so worried that one day you’ll leave me.

And yet I want it to be okay for me to leave you.

Hah.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: Crybaby

I cry so easily now. Have I mentioned this before? If I think about anything sad I could tear up in a matter of seconds. If I continue to think about things I could really get bawling.

It starts with thinking about how I would cope with a sad thing happening to you, or how you would react if that were to happen to me.

Today I found out something really sad about a patient. I don’t know how she’s able to cope with things. I keep thinking what if I was in her situation. How would I handle things? I don’t think I can. Just the thought of something happening to you... I actually started to tear up haha.

I’m just realizing this now but... if something like that can cause me to feel extra depressed for the rest of the day... how can I handle working in a hospital where patients may be dying? I don’t think I can. But I have to. There’s nothing else I can do with my life. I’ve already wasted time and money.

I’m scared.

What if you died? I don’t think I can handle it. Hell, even when you’re driving sometimes I’m scared something will happen to you. What if you... killed yourself? Would you? I don’t think I can handle that at all. But you’ve mentioned before that sometimes you think you’re depressed... I hope you aren’t. You never really talk to me about those kinds of things anymore.

Sometimes I think our relationship is very superficial.

Yet it’s partially my fault since it’s nearly impossible for me to have any meaningful conversations. I tend to close myself off. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were depressed though. Your life is hard. I don’t know how you do it. Of course, I hope you aren’t depressed. I don’t want you to be. I want you to be happy.

A lot of times I think you’d be happier with someone else. Who? I don’t know. Maybe you haven’t met them yet. I don’t know but I don’t think it’s supposed to be me. If you ever ask me to marry you some day I will most definitely cry. Partially out of happiness because I love you so much; yet also out of concern that you’re making a terrible mistake.

Sorry.

I don’t know why I think like that this sometimes.

Is it because I’m “depressed”? Am I really even depressed? I honestly feel like I have no right to be depressed. I have a loving boyfriend. My parents love me. We’re not rich but money isn’t a major issue. Sure my mom can be difficult to deal with but... I don’t blame her. One of her daughters is crazy. The other is a failure at life.

There’s really no reason for me to be depressed other than me being behind in life. But even then, my coworkers are all older than me, some with lesser jobs, yet they seem happy. Why am I being a selfish ridiculous person by claiming I’m depressed?

I wish it were that easy to be happy. To just think that there’s really no reason to be sad and poof! That lingering sadness is no more. It’s frustrating that it doesn’t work that way.

And yet... Part of me doesn’t want to get “better.” Is that weird? That I want to stay depressed even though I know it’s hurting you? I’m scared. What if what I thought would make me happy doesn’t? What if getting rid of I think is the root of my depression doesn’t really help? The lingering sadness at the back of my mind has been there for such a long time. I can’t imagine not having to deal with that anymore.

I don’t remember where I’m going with this. Whenever I start typing it always ends up in a huge rant.

I find it strange that you think suicide on a cruise ship would not be a good idea. I think it’s the perfect method. No body to find. Nobody has to be traumatized by finding your remains. If you jump off a building or shoot yourself then someone else will find your body and that may possibly effect them. I wouldn’t want that for an innocent passerby.

Yet you looked at me and told me that some people (loved ones) may find it more painful to not have a body there? I don’t understand. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I believe you were implying that if I were to ever to commit such an act, my perfect cruise ship method would not be the way to go. Why? Why would you want my body to be present? If you know I’ve gone missing in the middle of the ocean and security footage catches me jumping off, it’s not like a mystery what had happened to me. Is it for closure?

Hah.

That’s another thing that’s been eating at me. Still. But that’s a story for another day. Probably never.

Again, I don’t know at all where I was going with this rant. I just wanted to say that I cry so easily nowadays, mostly because I imagine sad events happening to you. As much as I don’t want to hurt you... I still feel like I’d be okay with dying. Yet I wouldn’t want you to be sad. It’s a conundrum.

I’m also confused as to why I’m depressed. I really think I am. Though I shouldn’t be. There’s no concrete reason for me to be. I don’t want to get help though. I don’t want to be “cured.” Also, I don’t want to get help because I don’t think I’m depressed enough. Is that a weird thought to have?

Sorry. I’l end it here. I’m getting sleepy. I really don’t know what the point of writing all this was. But I’ve already typed so much I don’t want to delete it now. Thank you for reading this much. If you have.

I love you. Thank you for loving me back. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I have a feeling you’re depressed sometimes and that scares me. I don’t know how to handle that though. Maybe you’ll be better off with someone that can...

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: Paranoia

Yes, I know.

I’m kind of, sort of, seriously, crazy and paranoid.

But if you’re tired, I really would rather have you go home and sleep than risk your health for me. Yes I would prefer to see you. Of course I would. Hell, if I could spend (almost) every minute of every day with you I would in a heartbeat.

I’ll be a little upset, sure. But I’d rather you be safe at home and I’ll just see you again some other day instead of letting my selfishness cause that to be the last time we see each other.

I’m paranoid and overreacting, I get it. I can’t help it though. Just the thought of it...

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: Crash

Is it wrong that while you were driving, clearly upset, I chose not to put my seatbelt back on in hopes that since you’re not thinking straight, maybe we’ll get into an accident and I’ll end up dead?

The way you look at me sometimes... There’s so much sadness in your eyes. And it’s my fault. You apologize all the time when you have no reason to. How much longer can you put up with that? When will you realize it’s not worth it? All the crying, the begging, the apologizing, chasing after me? I don’t think I’m the one to make things better...

I’m still disappointed that we didn’t crash.

I think you’ll be happier.

I can’t fix anything.

I want you to be happy.

It’ll happen without me.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: Understanding

You don’t get it. I don’t think you get it.

Okay, I admit it. I’m depressed.

I’m depressed.

I don’t like admitting that fact. I hate thinking that way even though I regularly browse /r/depression or cry myself to sleep. Why? Because you’re right. Since you were a kid your life has been shittier than mine. My life isn’t so bad compared to a lot of other people. And yet here I am, depressed about my life even though I have it good. I should be happy. I don’t “deserve” to be depressed. I know that. I know I’m acting selfish but I just can’t do it. I can’t be happy. I don’t know why. I don’t understand it.

I hate it. I hate it.

I hate that you think you’re not good enough since I’m unhappy. That’s not true. It hurts when you say that. Because it’s not true. You’re doing so much for me. More than I will ever deserve. I know that. I understand that. I’m grateful for it. And yet I can’t be happy. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate myself for it.

Here you are giving me the world and yet I can’t repay you with happiness. Instead I’m making things even worse. You try so hard for me. I try too. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I am trying. But I’m not as strong as you. I’m also terribly messed up.

Yes, I cut myself. Yes, sometimes I want you to know. Yes, I know that it will hurt you. I don’t know why I do it. It really does make me feel better temporarily. I also want to see your reaction when you find out. That’s fucked up, isn’t it? I’m fucked up, aren’t I? Part of me wants to see you sad that I hurt myself. I think it’s because I want a reminder that you actually do love me. But I already know you do. I don’t quite understand why you do, but I know it’s true. That’s fucked up. Me wanting to see you hurt. So then why do I do it? Another part of me does it because I hope that will be the tipping point and you’ll finally break up with me. You’ll finally realize that I’m beyond repair and it’s no longer worth the trouble. I want you to be happy. And contrary to your beliefs and my desires, I don’t think that happiness rests with me.

I’m really fucked up. I do things intentionally to hurt you. Holy shit I don’t even deserve to be alive at this point. I wonder if after you read this you’ll lose your love for me. It’ll hurt, but if that’s the case, that’s okay.

But for now, for some strange reason, you want me to live. You say you want to grow old together. I’d like that too. I know I talk about wanting to kill myself and it’s true. I do. But I also think that maybe we can really be happy together and everything will work out in the end. We’ll grow old together and live amazing lives side by side. Yet all of that just seems like a dream right now.

Still, it’s a dream I’d like to believe in.

I’m scared though. I’m really truly scared. I want to be happy with you more than anything. But what if I can’t stop myself? What if I really do end up killing myself? Cutting and pills can only do so much. But what if I somehow find myself at the top of a building or an edge of a cliff? What if I get my hands on a gun? What if I decide to jump or pull the trigger? I want to be happy together. I want your happiness more than anything. But I’m scared that one day I’ll lose control...

I don’t know. Sometimes you say you think you’re depressed. I don’t want you to be. Are you? I never can know because you rarely tell me how you feel. I want to know. Do you have these same stupid feelings I do? I won’t doubt your depression, but if you are, how do you manage to keep going? What is the secret? Love?

I know I make your life so much harder. And yet you do so much for me. I realize that. Thank you.

I want to love you with all my heart. But looking at the things you do for me and at the things I do for you... It doesn’t even compare. How can I dare to say that I love you when I do so little? You told me that even you sometimes believed that maybe I didn’t love you. That hurts. If even you thought that then maybe it’s true. Maybe I don’t love you. You told me earlier that you were just saying that. That you didn’t mean that’s how you’ve felt. I call bullshit. You’ve considered the fact that maybe I don’t love you, haven’t you?

But I do. Or at least I’d like to think that I do. Because if I don’t, and you believe that I don’t, then please just leave me now. Please. Please don’t force yourself to make this supposed one sided relationship work out. There are so many better opportunities for you out there.

So then, how do I know if what I feel is love? You told me that I just know. I thought I knew this whole time but I’m starting to doubt myself. I can’t tell what I felt back then compared to now. How do I know that I love you? I think I do. I’d like to believe I do. I want to love you. But how do I know for sure? I don’t want to tell you I love you if it’s just a lie.

How do I know that what I really feel is love and not just loneliness? Like I said, I wouldn’t even do half the things you do for me. I wouldn’t wait hours in the car just to see you. I wouldn’t try to sneak out in the middle of the night for you. I don’t even keep my promises not to cut for you. So how can I dare say that what I feel for you is love?

I want to though. I want to love you. But I feel like I don’t have the right to utter those words. Just as I don’t have the right to claim I’m depressed.

I don’t know.

This was a long rant. I don’t even know what the point of it was. Just know that I love you. Is it okay to say that? I know I hurt you and I’m sorry. I know I don’t keep my promises. I know that I don’t give you as much as you give me. I know that you’re trying your best. Please never think that you’re not doing enough. It really hurts me when you think you’re not doing enough because I’m not happy. It really fucking hurts. Honestly, hearing that just makes things worse. It just reinforces the idea that I’m a sack of shit for being depressed when my life isn’t bad and I have a wonderful boyfriend by my side. And that makes me feel even more depressed haha.

I don’t want you to be depressed too. I really hope you aren’t. I would hate for you to feel the way I do. It worries me that if you really do think you’re depressed, that you’re just keeping it all to yourself and not telling me. I want you to tell me. Yes, it will hurt me to know you’re hurting too, but if there’s some way I can help, I want to know.

I want you to be happy.

I want to be happy.

I want both of us to be happy.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m really sleepy. I’ve probably repeated myself over and over yet failed to mention some things. I hope I didn’t. I hope we can be together for many years to come. And if not, I hope the reason is that you found someone else that can make you immensely happier than I can.

Good night.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: No,

I don’t think I’ll ever understand why you claim you love me.

I’m a terrible person to you.

And no, you’re not a terrible person to me.

No, you do not deserve to be treated the way I treat you.

No, I think you’re mistaken and you really shouldn’t love me.

No, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for.

No, I have no right to be mad.

No, there’s no reason for you to hate yourself.

No, everything isn’t your fault.

No, you’re not a piece of shit.

No, you’re not worthless. You’re not pathetic. You’re not hopeless.

No, trust me someone else will love you. They’ll even be able to show you love and respect far more than I am capable of.

I think about some horrible things. Some horrible horrible things that I hate myself for even thinking of them. Things that I’d like to unthink. Things that I wish would never come true. But I still thought of it.

No, I don’t believe that you love me.

No, I don’t think I ever will believe.

Because you shouldn’t...

So don’t.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Nobody :: ...

...

Life sucks.

Every time I get happy over something, that happiness is quickly negated.

Oh, I got into UCI? I can get to dorm, escape home, and become a nurse! Nevermind, I have to go back home every week and my entire time spent here was pointless.

I got my LVN license? I can finally start earning money and move out! Nevermind, your car actually isn’t yours and the company you worked for closed within 11 months making it harder to find a new job since you don’t have 12 months of experience.

I got into a hybrid nursing school? Nearly 5 years after getting my LVN license I should finally able to accomplish my dream and move out since I can work and go to school at the same time! Nevermind, that’s not financially possible and who knows if your workplace will even accommodate your school schedule.

Everything everything EVERYTHING seems to be working against me. NOTHING is going in my favor. It’s really fucking sad when your sole dream for the past 6+ years has been to move out of the house. And now that still won’t happen. Not for at least another 2.5+ years.

I feel like such a fucking loser. I have accomplished nothing in life. My whole family is disappointed in me. Even I’m disappointed in myself. I used to think that all things happen for a reason and for the better. But no, not anymore. Everything just fucking sucks. I don’t think I can survive another 2.5 years here. I just can’t do it.

For the past few months I’ve been teetering on the edge. Finally the one saving grace turns out to be a lie. I can’t take this anymore.

I just know that if I stay here for too long, one day it’ll happen. I’ll finally fall off. Just one more push or a misstep...

I’ve thought about it too. Maybe I’ll swallow a ton of pills. Drink some bleach. Drown in alcohol. Slit my throat. Stab my heart. Bullet through my head. Jump.

Most likely all of the above.

That way the chance of success is nearly 100%.

My biggest fear isn’t death. It’s surviving. I just imagine myself as a near-vegetable. Unable to move or communicate but still conscious, my family keeping me on life support. And there I am, stuck in bed day and night until I finally die, watching as I am cared for by none other than a nurse.

Oh the irony.

[lyricalbunny]

Dear Christopher :: ?

Would you cry if I died...?