Yaāll, I need to talk to myself/others that just may happen to read. In a way, knowing that someone may read this makes me feel better.
Iāve got a lot on my mind, so please allow me to get this out.
Iām a Band Director. Because I work at the Renaissance Festival and we donāt have a football team for them to work on marching band stuff, I have them prepare Renaissance tunes and we perform at the Ren Fest on Columbus Day. Iāve been having behavior issues so I made a new rule that they must have an A in Band in order to go. Not so hard, right? Iāve got like 4 kids who have Bās. Iām giving them extra opportunities for bonus points, etc. but itās the not turning in the 50 point playing tests on time. I have a boy who recently lost his brother in a tragic accident. I know that his family went on vacation this week and he forgot to turn in his playing test before he went. Iām gonna really work with him when he gets back to get that grade up to an A. Next year, maybe Iāll do A or B. Not sure how all this will play out. Iāll still give them extra opportunities but am I gonna have kids that I have to tell to stay behind on Ren Fest day? Maybe.
I have a sinus infection right now I think. I thought I had the flu yesterday but felt so much better when I was at home and snuggled up on the couch watching Forensic Files. It made me feel like a big wimp and quitter for having called in sick at work as well as cancelling my private students. Did I mention I teach over 20 private students as well? Iām trying to lighten my load but itās hard. Thatās another story. Anyway, I self-diagnosed myself with a sinus infection after having measured a low fever this morning as well as hurting sinuses. Iāll go to work today because I want to feel responsible and work with my band kids for the performance they have in a week. We have 6 more rehearsals.
Now onto the private lessons. God has blessed me abundantly and Iām very thankful. I am a Band Director for Elementary, Junior High, and High School at a Christian Academy. I love my job and I love those kids- even if they sometimes frustrate me beyond belief. If Iām not teaching Elementary Band at 8 am, which I do 2-3 times a week, then Iām up at that time to arrange songs for Band, lesson plan, answer e-mails, budget, etc. I then head to the upper campus to teach Junior High and High School Band. Iām also the Sound Technician for the school so on Thursdays I spend about an hour setting up sound equipment for the Worship Band (which I sponsor) and then we have a rehearsal/soundcheck for about an hour after school. Fridays I run the sound for Chapel as well as work with the kids on planning the next weekās Worship Band lineup and songs. So, I consistently work from 8 am to 4 pm during the week. Then I have over 20 private students thatI teach half hour lessons to; I teach about 5-9 students a night. Usually Iām done teaching by 9 pm and then I try to practice trumpet for an hour- I want to keep my chops up because I gig regularly at my church as well as play professionally with the Renaissance Festival every weekend. I enjoy being busy- otherwise I get bored. I donāt have a boyfriend and I live alone with my cat so āfreeā nights are abhorrently boring. I honestly donāt think Iād have time for a relationship anyways. And thatās another story. When I get sick like this week, it knocks me for a loop and I feel so inadequate when I have to cancel teaching private lessons. Anyway, I believe God is leading me to put almost all my time and effort into my Band Directing job. I want to lighten my private student load. Itās hard because studentsā parents are reluctant to give me up without a fight- my mom says itās because Iām such a good teacher. A lot of the kids I have taught since they first started piano 5 years ago and itās hard to say goodbye. All my other students are trumpet students and Iām hesitant to give up those students. I feel like Iāve sowed a lot of work into them and I donāt want to give them up before reaping. I try not to be selfish- if there are students (on piano) that I feel would benefit from a more advanced player then I try to lead them to the next teacher. Iāve tried this and have only been able to move 1 student along. Perhaps when my weekends are free again Iāll feel less pressure and not quite as stressed all the time.
Now onto relationships. I get sick of my friends trying to hook me up with someone or suggesting why my life would be better with a boyfriend. Iām sure it would- but I donāt want anybody coming before God in my life. I donāt want to be with anybody unless they also put God first in their life. Iām a virgin, they need to be a virgin as well. They need to be the one that God has chosen for me. They need to sharpen me and me them, as iron sharpens iron. I havenāt met my Iron Man yet but Iām in no hurry.
I need more hobbies, I know. Iām just too busy to really do much of a hobby. I crochet really well and I like to read. Maybe Iāll start doing that more. Three more weekends of Ren Fest and then I can start a hobby up again.
I cried during church this last weekend. Up on stage, put my trumpet down and bawled. Itās almost that time of the month so that may a contributor. Iām super sensitive. Something ātraumaticā happened to me that Friday and I was still thinking on it. That was the main reason for my crying.
I miss my dad. My parents got divorced a few years ago and ever since then my dad has basically been homeless. My mom reaches out to him to help him but itās so hard to get a hold of him. I really, really miss my dad. I like to imagine that Dwight Schultz is a great father.
Iām hesitant to write down my other thoughts. I once got kicked out of a college for writing down my thoughts in a public forum. They turned a molehill into a mountain, but it was still painful to be so humiliated. I always fear that happening again.
I will trust God in everything. Oh, Lord, please help me. I just want to be happy.
I was diagnosed with OCD in 5th grade. Iāve taken meds since then. As I got older the psychologists changed the diagnosis to severe/major depression. I know Iām going through an episode of it. My mom says it happens to me every year about this time. I take her word for it. I have an excellent memory- like freaky excellent- yet I canāt remember how I felt about life a year ago.
The sinus infection doesnāt help. Anyway- gonna head to work now. God is good all the time. This too shall pass. Godās in control. My strength comes from the Lord.
