M. Simbulan 01. 12. 14 I am alone. A safe place where no one can touch me or hurt me. I experience no joy, no love, and no pain. I exist because the characters around me exist. Every day they wake up. Every night they go to sleep. The next day they do the same thing. So do I. I cut my Heart out open a few days ago. Inside this messy, smoke scented room, I painfully extracted it with my bare hands. I sat on my bed and watched my Heart walk away out of the room unfazed by the fact that we were separated. Not even afraid of the disconnection between us. Detached. I cried empty tears that I could not feel. The once tightening in my chest causing me to drown above water was no longer present when I cried. I think I felt relieved. I think I felt like mourning but I cannot be entirely sure. I also realized I did not miss it. I don't think I will ever want my Heart back. This feels more - safe. Yesterday I had a job. Sometimes, I work as a set decorator for television and movies. Ironically, you are more effective when you don't have a Heart too. For a job that requires a lot of emotions, this is the one place where you shouldn't have them. I felt more alive, and more creative without my Heart. I was more calm. More focused. More directed with my self. I think I felt invincible. In my bedroom again tonight. It is quite late, or quite early, depending on who you ask, I guess. I am not sure if the reason for me not being able to sleep is because of my missing Heart. Or if I am simply not tired. Now I cannot help but think about my Heart. Has my Heart found another host to live in? Does my Heart miss me? Do I miss my Heart? Will I ever get another Heart or will my original Heart come back to me in time? You see, no one is ever born with a Heart. It took a long time for me to realize that. No one ever says to anybody that you were born without one. You just become aware about this if you are observant enough to realize the difference between a Heartless person and a person with one. When I was younger, Heartless, and oblivious to it, I was invincible. I was audacious. Careless. Shiny. Magic. I was free. I could do anything I wanted. Be who ever I wanted to be. Go to where ever I desired. But I could not find any satisfaction at all. Or feel like I have achieved anything. I became frustrated. I did not know what was missing until I found one with a Heart. She worked with me in one of my freelance jobs. I immediately noticed her because she was surrounded by a golden glow that I have never seen on anyone before. Her skin was always reddened by more than sunlight or heat. Although I noticed that she was more prone to disappointments and hurt from people, I could not deny that she had something more powerful with her that always drove her forward. One day, I decided to dare. I spoke to her after she got told off while we were decorating side by side. With scissors in hand cutting the fabric before me, I cleared my throat and asked her, "How do you do this day when you always seem to be pushed to tears?" Slightly surprised by me speaking to her and my question, I suppose, she looked at me and slowly smiled. I turned to face her out of courtesy and waited for her answer. "Oh you poor thing. You haven't got a Heart." She dropped her scissors and put her hand on my shoulder. I remember scolding myself briefly for engaging because now we will have a conversation. "You are young after all. One day you will find one." "What are you talking about, Miss? Of course I have a Heart. How else would I be here if I didn't have one?" Clearly it was a mistake to have even asked. I did not like this. This accusation that I did not have a Heart. "Sweetie, I watch you too. Of course you don't have a Heart. You are so perfect. So cold. So determined and so unsatisfied. You are good. I will not deny that. But your lack of smiles tell me that you haven't found a Heart." I remember she upset me. I went home that night unable to accept the fact that despite appearances, I did not have a Heart. Who wanted one anyway? She was always on the brink of tears, affected by every little thing around her. She could not do half the things I was tasked to do. Maybe because she had a Heart. And maybe because I didn't. I completely forgot about her and our conversation, most specially the night she made me feel incomplete. Like I was someone who should be pitied. I pushed it in the back of my mind for years up until my Heart found me. My Heart, you see, was more temperamental than I. It was more cunning and observant than I ever was, which made me admire my Heart more. I always pretended to have a Heart through the years. Oh don't judge me, I am sure you did too. I just never realized the difference between pretending to have one and actually having one up until that moment. My Heart was arrogant and demanding. We didn't connect right away. It took a while for me and my Heart to realize that we were supposed to be together. I was also ill prepared for the way my Heart was about to change my world forever. I cannot describe or recount when or how my Heart and I joined. It was like one day I woke up and opened my eyes and the world was too bright. All the colors were overwhelming and everything around me was foreign. I grabbed my chest for assurance that my Heart was there and it responded with a thud. It was telling me that it was there and that these changes were normal and I shouldn't be afraid. A few days passed and it was hell. My once perfect hair was difficult to manage. I got pimples on my face. I felt emotions I never thought I was capable of. Wanted things I did not even thought were possible. Dreamt of a life for me I never even thought of. But hell, my skin glowed. There was a golden glow that emanated from me that was unnatural. Other worldly. Strange. Every night, I would grab my chest and ask my Heart why I would want the things I wanted. What for? And why now? It would simply respond, "Because I am here now." For all the confusion that my Heart was causing me, I loved that it was there. Food tasted better. I cooked and cooked. Movies made me cry, and I would fall in love with the characters in the books I have read. I was behaving like a silly little twit which I hated before my Heart and I found each other. My Heart taught me to feel. It was very unsettling at first but the more it taught me, the worse it got. I began to care about how other people felt. Disgusting, I know. The once cold and calculating nature of mine that I took so much pride in was now gone. I learned to really love the people around me. To care how much it upset them when they got stuck in traffic, or their nail broke. Or when they lost their own Hearts. Over time, these became normal to me. It was alright. It was not bad. I was smiling. I was loving and connecting with people, and it was maybe happiness I felt. Then it came. I was taken aback because it was so new. I experienced an old situation but felt something different about it. So what if a person did something to offend me? I was used to that. But with my Heart, I learned disappointment. And I felt hurt. I didn't like it. It made me cry. It made me cry myself to sleep. I couldn't figure out why. Why now when I had a Heart did I feel these ill things? My Heart consoled me. It told me because I learned to care. To give and to be upset when I don't get the same thing back. I hated it. It made me feel powerless. So I told my Heart these feelings. I wanted it gone. My Heart told me that it was the way it is. It came with the deal. I couldn't take it. Maybe some people were meant to have Hearts and I didn't. Surely that can be true. It began. My Heart and I did nothing but fight. Fight about the feelings I am having. Fight about the future that I never used to care about. Fight about all these array of emotions that I had to deal with because my Heart was there. I did not want to have a Heart anymore. It was causing too much pain. I wanted to dull everything back like it used to be. At least then, I knew how things would play out. My hair would be perfect once again. I would not cry because of disappointments and be hurt by the actions of others. My Heart called me a coward. My Heart said it couldn't stay to give me the drive and the good things, if I wasn't ready to face the consequences of the other spectrum. We fought. It was exhausting. I did not even think anymore. All of a sudden my surroundings were too bright. The world and its colors were too much. The pinks were too cheery and the blacks too dark. The love I once gave caused me to hurt because I cared. I did not think. I just acted. I ripped out my Heart and threw it to the floor. My Heart looked at me, disappointed and hurt. Its feelings would have left me floored with sadness but the feelings were already ebbing away. I just looked at it as I welcomed the numbness. We stared at each other for a while. It spoke for a bit, kindly begging, slightly pleading. But it was too late. I have embraced my long forgotten numbness and clung on to it because it was safe there. My Heart walked out of the room without looking back. I am sure it will look for a new Me. I am sure it will find one. I am sure it will never think twice about Me and be happy. These things I am sure of as I watched my skin lose its glow. I wanted to pity myself. To feel bad about what just happened. But I could not feel. Feelings were just not there. I tried to reminisce the great feelings my Heart caused me but it was just too small in comparison to the great pain it could cause. I wanted to want my Heart back. But the thought of it made me cling harder to the numbness. It was safer here, now that I know the alternative. It was more predictable here. I could function better and be counted on because everyone would know what to expect from a Heartless person. In turn I would know what to expect of them. Life would be easier without a Heart. Yes, it would definitely be. Knowing now what I did not know then, I would choose to be here still. Safe. Protected. Shielded away from the harshness of the double edged beauty my Heart brought. Tonight, I think I am missing my Heart. The way it made me feel like I mattered somehow in some way. But I am quick to remind myself of the darker side of its gifts. One day, I am sure I will cease to miss my Heart. When that day comes, I will forget the meaning of the word, "miss". I cannot wait. To be normal again in the most comfortable way I know how to exist. Do you miss your Heart? I don't think I ever want to have another one again.
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