⛧

21yrs ✮ journal in the form of shitposts

[m0thicplagu3z]

despite the concerning circumstances of my life honestly i think the worst thing that’s happened to me in the last 6 months is that they took izombie off everything

[m0thicplagu3z]

dear people who vape why do you vape instead of smoking cigs cuz i technically use both…but lean toward vaping more often solely because a cigarette is lowkey inconvenient a lot of the time

[m0thicplagu3z]

it’s really weird to know someone who loves to party, will overindulge in alcohol, substances, etc, but doesn’t have an addictive personality. because you have precedental and current proof that they aren’t reliant/addicted to that stuff since they don’t fiend for it while sober and they can go days, weeks, months without having any; no problem or even desire for it. but when they’re in it you have to wonder…it’s the difference between knowing someone is battling addiction and knowing someone is actively choosing to use substances as a form of self destruction, even though they’re not hooked on the substances, that’s hard to process

[m0thicplagu3z]

was listening to some throwbacks from the prime of amvs/fandom edits and high by sivik came on so obviously i got fucking sneak-attacked by klance memories

[m0thicplagu3z]

so hungry i could eat a bullet

[m0thicplagu3z]

sometimes being mentally ill is like seeing yourself just completely obliterating the shit out of someone else until their face is bashed in and brain is on the ground and then you walk up to yourself to figure out why the fuck you would be doing that oh my god what the fuck why are you doing that and then realize it’s also you on the ground

[m0thicplagu3z]

sometimes as a trans guy i feel like a big lying piece of shit because i use he/him pronouns and my deadname isn’t my name so i changed it. but nothing else feels like my name either. and like. most of the time i feel like a guy, yknow, like from an outside perspective i would see myself that way. but if i really think about it i feel more like a thing or a creature than a person. sometimes i feel like i’m a he in the way dracula or frankenstein are he’s but also neither are widely seen as people. other times i feel more like how a dog can be a boy and have a name but it’s not really his name. its just the title you gave him yknow. cuz he’ll answer to anything if you say it right and he’ll love you even if you call him mean names and derogatory terms as long as you say it in the same tone you say his name

[m0thicplagu3z]

years of reading solangelo fanfic and a few contextual indicators have allowed me to note that the maintenance guy in my apartment who is having a hard time fixing my god awful breaker panel just whispered fuck! to himself in a romance language

[m0thicplagu3z]

it’s already halfway through pride month guys everyone needs to start writing a lot more queer loser situationship fics for those of us with no hope for romance and an unusual emotional attachment to their fandom ships

[m0thicplagu3z]

dating or pursuing intimacy of any kind for me is like opening up my ribs and showing everyone my organs. why

[m0thicplagu3z]

i wish i was more relaxed and could handle the quiet. i wish was fine with being alone

[m0thicplagu3z]

so hungry i could eat a bullet

[m0thicplagu3z]

i miss something. i don’t know what it is

[m0thicplagu3z]

just saw a post about someone going to a party at their partner’s mom’s house. i wish so badly to be loved so much that someone will wear my mom’s favorite color to a party at her house. i wish so badly to have a closeness with my mom so much that i want them to meet. am i yearning for that? or am i grieving the life, the love i could have if things were different? they could have been. maybe im not meant to be loved like that.

how does one tell the difference between yearning and grief?

[m0thicplagu3z]

i’ll answer every call and i’ll check in on you every day. even when i’m begging god to kill me in the night, because i want you to know i care about you all the time, no matter what.

still, if i call, you won’t answer. if i text, you might not respond.

but tell me again that you wouldn’t keep me in your life if you didn’t want to. tell me again that i’m making it up that you don’t want to talk to me.

i’ll probably still believe anything you say

[m0thicplagu3z]

i used to have to carve out whole mornings/evenings to shower, missing them frequently (obviously), because i had a habit of “bathroom camping.” it hasn’t been a problem for a while because i got out of my toxic environment and didn’t really have a place in my new house that felt less safe than the small, private, windowless room. just realized i’ve been in my bathroom for three hours. my hair is dried on its own and my shower ended 2 hours ago. where did i go wrong building my new life

[m0thicplagu3z]

sometimes when people seem stressed out trying to figure out when they’re free because i asked them to hang out and they go “man our schedules just don’t line up at all” i go “less work for you then haha” as a joke and then they are like “yeah that’s true” with full sincerity and zero laughter and then im like oh that’s like. actually. they don’t want to hang out with me so then i stop trying to find a time to hang out and i give them space and then they’re all confused and sometimes even annoyed/upset that i am Pushing Them Away. basically what the hell is the strategy for having friends and why am i so bad at it