To be truthfully honest, I have no idea why I wish to start writing this, perhaps it was to get things off my chest, or maybe it was because, well, I have a tendency not to remember my days, but it's currently 1:02am right now, and maybe it's a late night things people who overthink decides to do, I'm not planning on letting anyone from my family know about this, but I've been feeling really down lately, one of my older sisters told me it might be seasonal depression, though I don't really know what depression feels like, it might be.
I have a tendency to push back my emotions and keep it in until they burst free from where I put them, most of the time when I do cry, I don't even know the reason as to why I'm crying, though my grandma, my nana, she's always telling me I need to get stronger and not to cry so easily, and truthfully it hurts..it's hard for me to write this, but I don't want to be stronger, I know I'm sensitive but I don't want to lose my empathy just because I cry easily and people see it as weak, maybe it's just me and I'm ranting, but I don't have anyone to listen to me, I don't know how to make friends and I feel I'm overlooked a lot, I'm very plain looking, I melt into the background easily, and I wish I could have someone besides family to talk to, I made a few internet friends but when I did rant to them about what happened to me when I was younger...well they left me, they just ignored me wholeheartedly, it really hurts me, I know it shouldn't, but it does, I keep telling myself it shouldn't matter, because it doesn't, I also wish I was strong enough where people wouldn't feel afraid to come talk to me about what happens to them, or anything they're struggling with, because no one should suffer though it alone.Work has been hitting hard as well, and I want to get a new job, though I'm quite scared to go out and look for one, but I feel as if this job would kill me one day, some people might say I'm overreacting, but that's okay, because I know I might, but haven't had any motivation to do anything I love.
I dropped out of school, well online school, but still school, I was having a hard time understanding their program when they changed it, but I do want to get my GED, and then maybe I could get the job I wanted.
I want to be a mortician, I know most would find it strange as to why, but I feel as if the reason why I want to do it is every understandable, I feel as if a mortician is a cery wonderful job for someone to have as it's to help someone have the best resting place for their body's after they leave, and they make sure the families have solace after someone important to them passes, Graves are just beds for the rest of someone's life, no matter how they choose for their body to rest after they pass, if it's to have their ashes scattered or not, I feel as it's very important ritual for the dead.
I don't know what people would think reading this, I might post it.
Truthfully, I just want someone to listen...maybe that's all I need, I daydream and bed-rot a lot..
