notes: this is the start of a “what if” series, if things had gone a little differently
Puck was seeing red. It was funny how everything could be going so well and then crash and burn within minutes. Puck wasn’t one to usually address his feelings, preferring to bottle them up and bury them. This time was different. He was hurt. He was angry. But most of all, he was confused. Not exactly sure what happened between telling Madison to lose his number and this moment, but he found himself standing in front of her door. He probably should’ve thought through his actions. Ben could easily be on the other side of the door, but he didn’t care. Reaching out, he aggressively knocked on the door. He needed answered. He needed them from her. His mind was so busy going over what he wanted to say to her that he barely heard the door open. All of a sudden, there she was. And all the words fell out of his head. “Why?....why couldn’t you just tell me how you feel?”
From the end of their conversation, Madison hadn't had time to process any of it. There were boxes littered around her apartment. Gabe needed tended too. Ben was having another spiraling moment. But it had been there, gnawing at the back of her head as she worked through her day. But the knock at the door was jarring, the noise of it telling her it wasn't a visitor for Gabe. She sent the baby and her boyfriend down the hall to the nursery before looking through the peephole and sighing. "What are you do--" she started to ask as she pulled the door open before she was greeted with questions from Puck instead. She glanced back inside her apartment, sure that Ben hadn't heard or come back to see the who, then put a hand to Puck's chest, pushing him a step back so she could join him in the hallway and close the door behind her. "You can't just show up here like this."
Part of him wanted to barge through and punch Ben in the face, but he reluctantly allowed himself to be pushed back into the hallway. His hand grabbed the one she placed on his chest to keep her from running away from the conversation. He rolled his eyes at her comment. “Why? Scared your ‘perfect’ boyfriend is gonna see me and get all dramatic and pissy?” Puck took a step closer to Madison. “Is that why you couldn’t tell me how you really feel about me? Because you’re so fucking hellbent on settling with him?” His hazel eyes stared into hers, the pain he was trying to hide reflecting in them. Puck let go of her hand, his shoulders dropping in defeat. “I just want you to be honest with me….please.”
"Because I have a newborn going to sleep in there," Madison pointed out to argue. "I'm not going to let you bait Ben into some petty bullshit fight for what? So you can win and have me not be with him anymore? Then what?" She stared him down, shaking her head as he said it again. Be honest. She took a step back from him, her freed hand running through her hair, balling in a fist. "Being honest about it isn't going to get me anywhere. You're not an option for me, Puck. Even if I want you to be."
He sighed as she avoided his question for what felt like the hundredth time in the past couple of days. Puck placed his hand on her waist and carefully pushed her up against the wall behind her. He leaned down so that he was eye level with the girl in front of him. “Maybe I need to hear it. I need to know I’m not making up all of this shit in my head, Madison....who said I'm not an option”
Her head thudded gently against the wall, as if that little extra space would make any difference. It was too close, too much. It was easy to write it off over text messages, to have it all be a fantasy built up. But with Puck crowded into her space, Madison couldn’t deny it. “It’s like you always used to say, we’d have a great week together and then move on,” she recounted. “I want more than that with you. I don’t wanna be the girl you fuck and get rid of. Because it’s something with you. I’d want something with you.”
Puck’s hand gently squeezed her waist as she spoke. At least he was finally getting something out of her. “I said that shit before stuff changed between us,” he said softly, “so who says that I’d get rid of you now?” His gaze fell from her eyes down to her lips for a moment before returning to make contact. “It’s something with you…it’s more than something to me,” he replied before falling silent for moment. “I don’t know what to do, Madison.”
“You sure do keep trying,” she pointed out, trying to joke, but the air was too heavy between them for that. Madison had thought that she’d feel relief having put even a little of it out in the open, knowing Puck felt it too. But what if? became what now? and the potential answers there bore heavier in her mind. She took a deep breath and stepped into him a little. “What do you want to do?” Madison asked, fingers reaching up to cup his neck. “‘Cause you can.”
His hand moved from her waist to her lower back as she moved in closer to him. His heart rate spiked when he felt her fingers on his neck. Licking his lower lip, he pulled her up against his body. “I want to kiss you,” he said simply. Puck leaned in closer to her lips. “And I’m going to kiss you. So…if you want to stop me…you better do it now,” he muttered, hovering mere centimeters away.
Her breath caught in her throat as he pulled her in, and she knew she was done for before he even spoke. Somewhere there was a thought of what should happen and the entire life that was going on on the other side of the door, but all she could hear was Puck’s voice. Madison glanced up at him briefly before closing the distance to press her mouth to his with her hand on his neck pulling him in.
His eyes closed when he felt her lips on his. Puck kissed her back softly and slowly at first. As time went by, the kiss grew more desperate as his arms wrapped his arms around her tightly, almost afraid to let her go. He knew this was something he had wanted for a while, but actually kissing her unlocked something inside of him. Puck nipped her lower lip gently before barely pulling away. “Madison….” he breathed out, “baby….how am I supposed to let this go?”
It was everything, in that moment, to be surrounded by him. Madison wanted to catalog it all away, the way he felt, the way he tasted, the way he smelled. She wanted to keep it, keep him. She chased his lips momentarily as he pulled back. “I don’t know,” she told him quietly, then kissed him again, brief and fleeting. “I don’t want you to.”
Puck pecked her lips a couple more times before pressing his forehead against hers. His eyes glanced at the closed door next to them. Behind it sat her entire life. One that didn’t involve him. Puck’s gaze returned to the girl in his arms. At least in the hallway he could pretend that he mattered to her life. He stared at her quietly for a moment, knowing that their time was limited. “I need you to know something…I’m not exactly sure when it happened…but it did. I fell for you, baby. I’m pretty sure I love you. But I know you have the kid…and Ben…and I understand. I just needed to know the truth.”
Her hand slipped from his neck, playing with the collar of his jacket idly as he spoke. It wasn’t enough and it wasn’t fair. To either of them, but maybe more to Puck. He was at her mercy in this, wasn’t he? “It was easier not knowing,” Madison admitted quietly, but she didn’t regret it either. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now, Puck. Because it’s not just you. Okay. That’s the truth. We fell for each other and it wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. And now what? Now I just... go back inside and we go back to not talking?”
He smiled sadly when she spoke. All he wanted to know was that he wasn’t making it all up in his head. But she was right. Having it all out in the open and not being able to actually do anything about it hurt more than not knowing. His smile dropped into a frown. “You do what’s best for you and Gabe. And if that means going back in there with Ben…I understand. I just want what’s best for you,” he said. Leaning in, he kissed her lovingly once more. “And if you ever need a break from Ben you can call me. I’m realllllly good at sneaking around,” he muttered against her lips.
Her breath came out in a heavy sigh. She didn’t know what was best, what was right. But standing here in his arms definitely felt like both of those things. But there was so much more than that at stake. She moved to take his hands in hers, reluctantly untangling herself from his hold. “Just don’t sneak on my doorstep again, huh? Keep it to the shop and the backend of a hatchback,” Madison teased, trying to end things not so heavily.
He loosened his grip and reluctantly let her pull away from him. “Can’t wait to stuff your hatchback,” he lamely joked back. Lifting their connected hands, he pressed a kiss to her knuckles. “I guess…this is bye for now.” He pulled her in once more to place a final kiss on her lips. “Love you, beautiful. Don’t be a stranger,” he said after pulling away. Letting go of her hands, he forced himself to walk away from the person he wanted to be around the most.
“For now,” she echoed quietly, less ready to say goodbye than any of the times Puck had tried to shut her out the last week. What else was there though? “You know you can’t get rid of me, Puck Puckerman,” Madison told him, as much as promise if anything else. She leaned in her doorway as he retreated, waiting for him to be out of sight before ducking back inside. Who knew how long it would be before she’d see him again?
I can’t believe I’m actually leaving Virginia for the first time. I’m so broke all the time I honestly didn’t think it would happen for me and I’m hyped. Is it lame to say I’m kind of nervous about being in such a big city, though? I honestly don’t know what to expect.
How jealous am I?! I think you’ll have an amazing time, nerves or no! Be sure to take plenty of pictures to share with us small town folk ;)
Three hours into my shift and I’ve already finished my book, caught 7 Pokémon, and completed an arm workout and just as I was about to reward myself with a donut… I realized I forgot to hit Rose’s before heading into the station. So I guess what I’m saying is does anyone wanna bring me some donuts? I’ll let you try on my Fire Helmet…
Deep cleaning my home is one of the most exhausting things I have ever done. My grandparents get in Friday morning and while I know they’d love me no matter what my home looks like, I also know it has to be perfect for them. I’ve decided instead of spending all day baking for their arrival tomorrow I am just going to buy out the bakery - they make better bread than I do anyway.
Deep cleaning definitely takes it out of you, but also I end up just getting distracted. You find the shoebox of memories and sit in the middle of the floor going through each painful and/or happy thing. Or is that just me?
And so it seems that I find myself unwillingly back in Sander’s Bay. As I’m taking a much longer break from New York, I figured it’s time to find a more permanent residence around town. Any inputs or suggestions as to what place I should be looking into would be greatly appreciated.
The building I’m in just off of downtown is pretty nice. Not too noisy, but also doesn’t feel like a retirement facility. Peaceful, if you will! Hopefully you’ll find a place that feels like home.
I can’t believe I am leaving for NY tomorrow and in just 3 days I will be performing on a stage in front of people who could actually help my career in the future. I am so nervous but so so so excited! Hopefully I have practiced enough and won’t throw up before going on.
That’s huge!! Congrats. Will the performance be up to watch anywhere after?
It’s taking some adjustment, that’s for sure – they don’t seem to mind if I bring him dinner when I’m free, at least, so we’re making the best of it. I’d hate to make you think about work on the weekends, though!
(Color scheme. …Oh boy. We’ve definitely got a lot to talk about!)
Your positive outlook on it surely makes things a little better too. I’m glad it’s working out, at the very least. What’s the saying... when you love what you do it’s not work? Or something. I’ll totally talk wedding flowers anytime!
{You don’t have a color!! Oh man, what am I gonna do with you?)
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