I can hardly breathe past the lump in my throat. My stomach is made entirely of knots. My heartbeat feels like it’s outgrowing my chest. My mind is spinning and twisting. Every thought feels like a demon. These days come and they hurt, and it’s all I can do to keep from running through the walls.
Please stay. God, please let him stay. I don’t want to chase off all these demons alone anymore. I’ve been doing it alone since I was born. I spent Four and a half years of being alone when someone was sitting right next to me. Now, I finally feel the presence of a person. I feel the presence of love, understanding, and unadulterated care. There’s no agenda, nothing hiding between the lines. I can just be with him. God, being with him.
Being with him is like exhaling, like loosening fists, like letting shoulders fall. I don’t need him. But I don’t want to be without him. He makes me laugh from places that have been neglected for so long. He makes my mind slow down. I’m myself, my true self, around him.
Everything in my life is a “have to.” I have to do a lot of things that I don’t want to do. He is my “want to.” He lets me do what I want to. He is the place I want to go to on bad days, good days, days like any other. I’ve never felt so much love come from another person towards me. I’ve always been a spectator in that sport. But now that I have it, all I want to do is take it in.
I want to sleep next to him because I will actually rest. I want to wake up and tell him I love him first thing in the morning. I want to go about our days knowing that we’re coming home to each other. I want to sit on the couch with beer and watch parks and rec. I want to sit on the porch with cigarettes and Noah Gundersen Spotify shuffle. I want to laugh into his neck at the end of the night. I want to fuck the daylights out of him. I want to make him food. I want to sing and play guitar on the living room floor. I want to drive his truck down the highway with his hand on the back of my neck. I want to sneak kisses around corners. I want to go out with him. I want to stay in with him. I want to tackle life with him. I want him to know the little stupid shit. I want him to tell me his little stupid shit. I want to do everything with him. I want it all forever. Every fucking day. Like the goddamn Notebook.
I know that the things we’re going through are temporary. Things we knew would be tough, and expected to come to. It’s the process. But the process fucking sucks. I want to get to the part where these problems don’t exist anymore. I want to fast forward to our feet on the demon’s chest. It’s selfish, but I want the easy part to come. I can’t wait for it. He’s so worth every obstacle, every ounce of energy poured in. I just want to get to the part where we can be together without restrictions. I am so in love. I am so willing to tackle anything that comes our way. As long as it’s him, I know it can be done.
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