Girl Inside

"The hardest truth to face is to face your hardest truth. " I am a guy who should have been born a girl. There hasn't been a day that has gone by without me staring longingly over the gender divide. I am now taking steps to becoming the woman that I am meant to be.

[maddygirl]

Dear Maddy,

I wish I had found your blog so much sooner. Sounds like you and I have shared a lot of the same experiences and feelings. It truly helps to have support and it hurts me to think I might have been able to help but wasn't there. I hope things have improved and you are able to express yourself to the world more on your terms. I took my shot at transition, had it blow up in my face, lost my job of 30+ years and had to start over. Although I live in a very anti-trans state I have not let it stop me from being me every now and then. That's all I think we can do, try to be ourselves and be content with the level of happiness we can create. Best Wishes!

Maryann

Thank you for words of encouragement and your story. A lot of my stresses have been alleviated by a new, understanding relationship with my wife. She is not exactly happy about it but she is accepting now and has given me a space to do what I need to do for myself. I've also decided that the world is just too dangerous to transition for the foreseeable future. Its not ideal but it is what it is. I dont hate being a guy, it just never fit right. Anyway, I wish you the best, stay safe and I hope you find the path to peace and happiness. If you need a sympathetic ear, im here. I have largely been off this account but I will check back regularly now. I gtg. Reach out if you need to chat. Peace

[maddygirl]

Well it has certainly been awhile posting on here and in a lot of ways things have come full circle. After starting therapy, initially to deal with being trans and then realizing my issues ran so much deeper than that, I'm back here again, almost right where I started. I have dealt with people pleasing, low self esteem, feeling powerless, and not speaking my mind, among other things. It has been a difficult, rewarding and necessary journey but here I am again back to where I started; dealing with being trans and the sacrifices that I may have to make to fully become the person that I really am. I could continue to live as I am but never really being truly happy. I am restarting my therapy today and I am going to tackle these things finally. I'm a firm believer that the things you should be dealing with in therapy is the very things you are most scared to deal with. And I'm scared of being on my deathbed someday and regretting that I never got to live the way that honours the person I truly am and not the person everyone thinks I am or should be. I am anticipating some very difficult times ahead but I can no longer put my head into the sand a pretend that I am OK. I am not. And most of all I am just prolonging the inevitable. It's time to deal with this once and for all. And I'm going to face this head on. It's time.

Ty all for your support over the years and I will keep you all updated on my progress. Until the next time Peace

[maddygirl]

A Must Read...

Im popping in quickly to recommend a crucial handbook that has changed my life. For me, this is literally life changing. I have been stalling my transition because while i am at peace with being trans, fear kept me from moving forward. Fear of losing loved ones, being accepted, and actually being able to see myself as living as a woman among other things. This book has really helped me gain clarity and strategies to put into place to deal with all the challenges that such a life changing entail. And while targeted at the lgtbqa+ community, the lessons shared also apply to many other things. If you are on the rainbow spectrum, i highly recommend (higher than the heels i want to wear. Lol) getting this book. It will change your life. Anyway peace and talk you all again soon. Peace

On Your Terms: Gender Transition Redefined for Adults

On Your Terms: Gender Transition Redefined for Adults https://a.co/d/4Cw4SKA

On Your Terms: Gender Transition Redefined for Adults : Zhikhareva, Dr. Natalia P: Amazon.ca: Books

[every-alice]

[every-alice]

Trans Rights are Human Rights and with those rights and freedoms under attack, it’s very, very relevant right now.

[maddygirl]

The Layers of an Onion as a Metaphor..

This metaphor isnt perfect but it does demonstrate the process of self discovery and examination of who and what we are in our own minds and to those around us. The voyage through therapy involves peeling back each layer to expose and examine each aspect of ourselves. And like onions, trauma or injury to any or all the layers affects it.

It is a difficult process that often times seems impossible or too hard to do but it is necessary in order to move forward to a better place. To develop a healthy sense of who we are and who we want to be. And though it may be hard to peel that onion, it is a journey well worth the effort. A journey to our real and authentic self. And that is the real point as far as i am concerned to living a happy, healthy life.

Till the next time, peace to you all.

[maddygirl]

Why i have been silent...

Hello all you beautiful people out there. The reason i have been largely absent on posting is something that i think that is ignored by many when seeking transition. That is to say that it is easy to become so absorbed into going down the path to transition and focusing all of your energies on that without realizing that this journey,especially for me, is also about many layers of people pleasing and other emotional structures need to be dealt with as well. And that is why have stepped back a bit from this Tumblr.

I am more than just what gender i am. And now that i have made peace with being trans, i need to deal with all the other issues in my life. So i put on hold any movement towards transition until those aspects are dealt with.

My marriage and other family dynamics play a big part in this. My ability to speak up for myself. My ability to be confident in who i am and who i want to be. To conquer my fear and put myself first, just to name a few things.

So for the time being i have stopped gender therapy but have continued regular therapy. Im moving towards building a better self confidence and strength and to build positive relationships and gain the courage to lose relationships that no longer support or serve my well-being-transition or not.

My gender identity isnt the conflict in myself anymore. Im certain that i am transgender and now have to see how it fits me. Its now time to work on the rest.

Peace and love to you all

[maddygirl]

Second Gender Therapy Appointment..

I had another appointment with the gender therapist yesterday that follows my regular counseling appointment that i had a few days ago. Between those two appointments and the major self work that i have done, i am a lot more clear headed now about where i am going with this. By no means do i have everything figured out, but i am getting closer to where i need to be.

At both offices now, i have changed my name and pronouns to the ones i have chosen. Maddie and she/her. For the first time i fully dressed without makeup for my gender therapy appointment in black leggings, white blouse and bra with inserts and i can do the same at my next doctor's appointment.

Wearing those clothes and being gendered and identified as a woman, felt so right. And being called Maddie felt as if i had been called that my entire life, It almost made me cry with happiness. I no longer felt the shame that i have been carrying around with me my whole life.

As i indicated in my last post, i am going to move forward with low dose hormones pending a meeting with my family doctor and an endocrinologist. And more importantly I am going to start filling my wife in gently on whats going on. She deserves to know exactly where i stand and i have to let her know that i love her and i support whatever decision she needs to make for herself.

There are so many more hurdles to make yet with family, job, friends among others. And there are many other challenges yet to transition like possible surgeries and the like but i am not trying to look too far ahead because it becomes really daunting and intimidating if i do and it drives my anxiety and worry. I am focusing on each little step and celebrating the small wins. I am leading with my heart and what feels right for me. I know the road ahead is going to be challenging but i can do this. I am going to do this. Because i deserve to be happy. I deserve to be myself.

SO DO YOU. Peace

[maddygirl]

First In-person Gender therapy appointment....

Well hello all you beautiful people out there. Its been a minute since I last posted on here. I wanted to give a little update on whats going on in my life.

A couple of weeks ago, my wife approached me and broke the ice between us. She said that she has made peace with the fact that i am trans and that she gave me a space in our house to dress as i need to and eventually she is going to have to see me dressed at some point. Her single action has lifted a lot of pressure between us. I also saw my gender therapist in person and i changed into a bra with inserts under my shirt for the entire appointment. And i have to admit that being gendered correctly while manifesting a little semblance of the female form in front of another person made me feel so euphoric and seen . After talking to her extensively, i have come to the conclusion that i want to start low dose hormones. Nothing that will be body altering but will help me determine if it feels right for me. But tbh, i think i already know the answer to that. I am going to move forward with this as soon as i can. I need to. I can already feel my mindset changing. I need to follow this path. Its time to stop waiting because ive waited already too long already.

Take care all of beautiful people and i will update you on my progress. Peace

[maddygirl]

Roe V Wade decision....

I want to add my small voice to the many others that are dismayed and appalled at the Supreme Courts decision to overturn abortion rights in the US. I was not born with a uterus and cant bear children but i still feel personally affected by this terrible decision because abortion rights and the right to privacy arent just women's right; they are everyone's rights. And we as a society will never be a just or fair one as long as womens rights are being trampled on. I stand with all women for their right to bodily autonomy and the ability to choose for themselves their own destiny.

Abortion is NOT a moral decision. It is medical decision between a woman and her doctor.

[maddygirl]

Dysphoria is a fucking bitch....

For the last few days i have been struggling hardcore with severe, debilitating, gender dysphoria. My head is swimming with bad thoughts that are threatening to swallow me. The progress that i have made in my journey to find my authentic self has brought me almost full circle because now that i know i am transgender and made peace with that fact, im now at the point of what to do with that. Its time for the rubber to hit the road. But for all the brave talk that i write and feel, i am still deeply scared of the changes that can and will happen if i move forward. When the whole world, including some of those that i care about most, tell you that are wrong or crazy or a freak. When i tell myself that there is no fixing me and the only way is through the bottom of pill bottle or at the business end of a knife.

I know that these words arent comforting. They aren't inspirational or strong. They are only the musings of a fallible, caring human being who only wants to be a whole and authentic person. Is that even possible in this world for someone like me? I dont know. Anyway im sorry for the negativity. I can only write how i feel. Thank you all you beautiful people out there. Peace💖

[maddygirl]

A Message to Cis Women and Feminists..

Ive had a few messages and comments from feminists and other women regarding some of my posts especially the one about vagina envy. I feel i should address these comments because they carry a common theme.

I am in no way trying to trivialize the very real experiences; both bad and good of womanhood. I have many women of all agars and walks of life in my life. Each walks her own path, has had her own challenges, and lives her own life. Unfortunately hyper sexualization of the female role tends to be overexagerated as aspects of femininity. Being a woman in my opinion is so much more than that. There is beauty, love, strength, power, and nuance to being a woman. To me its about connection, emotion, empathy and relationships. Women and the feminine essence they embody are essential to the human race whether they realize it or not.

I feel that inside of me. That role and those qualities ive always carried with me. And that has influenced who i am and what i see myself as. It plays on my body image because the people that i see that fits who i am inside, have a womans body. A body that in even in the mundane is beautiful and amazing. It is a miraculous creator and supporter of all living things. I am both amazed and awed by it and i sorely wish i was gifted it at birth. However, i was not. And while that is hard to accept, i can take steps to inhabit the form that i have saw myself fitting. Its not perfect but its the best that i can do.

I just want to wish all love. You are all beautiful lights upon the world. Never forget that. Peace💖

[maddygirl]

An update....

Im sorry that i have been absent but life has been kind of crazy. I just wanted to pop in and give a little update into whats happening with my life and by doing so maybe helping someone else who is going through the same thing.

I really feel like im starting to really evolve emotionally, spiritually and mentally. This journey of self discovery and personal development has been the hardest thing that i have ever done. It has also been the most rewarding thing that i have done. After my therapy appointment yesterday, I've come to a new realization; that honesty and truth even when it's hard is the right thing to do. And that i need to let go of "protecting " people from my truth. Because every time I do, i pull back from being honest about who and what i am. And by not accepting and embracing who I am, i am not only short changing myself, i am also doing the same for other people. Those people deserve the respect of being able to make the decision if they want to accept me or not. As much as i need people to respect and recognize me for who i am, i need to do the same for them. And as long as i continue to edit myself, i will never truly be happy and people will never truly know where i stand. And that is a very important part of relationships. I just have to trust to let the chips fall where they may. Anyway love you all, talk to you again soon . Peace💖

[maddygirl]

First appointment with the gender therapist...

I have made the first foray into the journey of medical transition. I think i surprised the therapist about where i was at in my journey. Im already past the point of acceptance of being trans, and already to the point that transition is inevitable. And i could have started the process of obtaining hormones but i told the therapist that i need to get my marriage sorted out first. She agreed. I want to start hormones so bad and if i was single i would have. I am moving into a head space where i am almost at the point that i cant suppress how i feel any longer and it is getting even more difficult to suppress how i feel. And when that time comes i will be ready to show the world the woman that i am. I can't wait

[maddygirl]

To all the people out there ,especially my trans folks ,i care. You are worthy of love, happiness and acceptance with no shame. Love you all, Peace 💖

[maddygirl]

A little nail polish goes a long way...

After my last post, i felt depressed, sad,dysphoric and hopeless in a way that i hadnt felt in a long time. And those feelings lasted until last night. I painted my toenails for the first time in a year and that little visible act of expressing my femininity, gave me a new sense of purpose. It made clear to me that inching forward no matter how small is progress. And that movement towards fully expressing the woman in me is forward momentum. And while it doesnt solve all the other challenges to come , it mitigates the sense of being stuck . And it gives me hope and strength.

The lesson for today; any movement or action forward is always a step in right direction. It gives you something positive to focus on and build on. And that builds confidence and most of all hope.

Love and accept yourself, because if you dont no one else can. Love you all. Peace 💖

[maddygirl]

I feel defeated.....

I couldn't even get the courage to go to the local womens clothing store that is lgbtqia+ friendly to try on some clothes in a safe space. After seeing too many people in there i chickened out. If i cant even do that, how can i ever expect to transition? I feel so weak and afraid and broken, maybe thats the way i am meant to be, idk. Im so sorry that this post is a downer. Im sorry if it lets any of you down. I always try to be positive and be a place of hope for all of you out there. But i also want to be truthful especially when it hurts. Thank you all for listening to me wallow in self pity and doubt. Hopefully i can pick my spirits up again post something positive the next time. Love you all. Peace💖

[maddygirl]

How i now know that i need to move forward with transition...

It boils down to asking myself one simple question; If i didn't have 'entanglements' in my life like a job, or kids or wife, would i have already transitioned? The answer is undoubtedly YES!! And that answer tells me exactly what my inner compass is. And it confirms to me that i am trans and i am sacrificing my own sense of authenticity to others and i need to stop stalling the inevitable for the sake of outside influences. Its time to develop a timeline that maps out my path. Its time to stop treading water and swim. Its time for Maddie to be more than just a name. Its time become Maddie. Its time to become Me!

In this vein, lets build a network of support that supports all of us in the trans community that come to Tumblr everyday for validation and hope especially when we don't have any IRL. I am here for you and so are so many other LGTQIA+ voices are here for you too. Together lets build a family of love, caring, and support.

To all the people out there that are questioning, transitioning, transitioned, gone stealth and everything in between, you are beautiful, you are loved, and you matter. Love you all. Peace💖