EPITOME OF PARADOX @made-of-complexity - Tumblr Blog

I never felt this so vulnerable that I'm asking for my demise.

I know that it sounds morbid but sometimes I'm wondering, what if I die young? Do I have the courage to accept my own demise?

That's the problem, I know what I feel and what I want.

poems-and-word

Poems & Words

Stop minding what costs my inner peace is really self-sustaining. I'm still working on it. I'm still disciplining myself to always choose peace, choose my battles, and choose what is worth suffering for.

I think, I'll never return again. I've had enough. I don't need words but change of action. There you have it.

Really, what part they don't understand? I don't get these people.

It's sad knowing that when things feel heavy, I always think of vanishing. Thinking that I'm better off not to exist. I always think that my family will be much happier and feel comfortable when I don’t exist. I always feel like I'm the villain in this family. They always criticize me and gang up to let me down. Probably, I'm really wrong here.

I have my fair share of mistakes. All I want is to be appreciated and be understood.

I really thought I'm doing okay. I thought it's okay now.

I keep on repeating myself and yet, my words can't reach them. The saddest part is that it never reaches my mother. I communicate myself countless of times regarding my pain but I'm still misunderstood. Whenever I share my pain, my mother always counter it with her own pain. As if my pain doesn't matter. However, I know her pain. And it pains me to behave like this. I'm not happy whenever I hurt her and yet, she keeps on hurting me.

When you mirror what they're doing, they perceive you as a villain. I don't mind.

I still get hurt how they sound but I will not waver anymore.

Lord, with this heaviness in my chest, I can't go on anymore. Please help me carry it. Please help me accept it. Please help me understand. Please help me forgive to forgive myself. Please help me to choose to believe in myself instead of believing in their words.

Please protect my back. Please embrace me with your love and light.

My flames is slowly dying. I always feel like my own light is short live. That I'm not meant to keep on shining and burning for a long period of time.

I feel like I'm slowly vanishing in existence. I never feel belong in this era. I feel like I'm a passerby and my time here is coming to an end.

And I think that's okay.

All I need is rest. Is that difficult? Can't I have a break? Why? I can do it, but I also need time to recuperate.

Because in silence I can hear my heart. In silence, I can hear the screaming sound of exhaustion of myself.

Pagod na pagod na ako.

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EPITOME OF PARADOX