Hey, you probably don't remember me but we were in the BYU dorms together. Anyway, I've been struggling with my abusive family and Mormonism and I'm trying to break away from both. Can you give me some advice on becoming independent?
Thanks for reading out. SoĀ terribly sorry you are experiencing this... I can only type out so much on Tumblr, so please feel free to pm me and we can chat more.Ā
Iām not sure what your specific family situation is/what sort of abuse youāre experiencing (be it emotional, physical, etc), so the best I can do is share what is was like when I left, sought a new life, and tried to rewire a lot of negative behaviors and beliefs that were engrained in me.
Within Mormonism and my family unit, I experienced different types of manipulation from people who loved me very much but didnāt have enough perspective or understanding to realize what they were doing, how they were perpetrators of a pretty gnarly belief system. My mother was terrified of me becoming a woman, no longer her obedient little girl following her around. The idea of me identifying myself as a separate entity and recognizing my body/sexuality absolutely terrified her.Ā Ā
We first started having issues when I began my transition out of Mormonism, which I think really began when I was fifteen and had read an amazing article written by Elna Baker for Rookie. (My first semester at BYU, I also wrote a piece for Rookie where I talked a bit about my experience.) Iād try to explain my feelings to seminary teachers/bishops/friends/family members and so desperately wanted them to understand how their actions and words were hurtful to a developing teenager. These efforts unfortunately had no effect at all. I realized that nothing I said could convince them of another worldview, that only time and maybe luck could do that.
So flash forward a few years and, as you know, I wound up at BYU. Living in the dorms was really hard, especially at Helaman Halls where I felt excluded, alienated from the other girls, and couldnāt find anyone like myself. I hit rock bottom the summer after my freshman yearā¦ The stress of having to pretend to be someone else, the censorship of my speech/attire/behavior/etc, and a staggering sense of confusion and self-loathing became too much and I was hospitalized for depression.
Youād think I would take that as a sign to leave, but I was so worried about disappointing my family that I returned to school for my third and final semester. I made it through by rarely going to class, going on road trips, meeting new people, and found freedom in distancing myself from family, Provo, and religion. I was lucky to have met a group of girls through Rookie and to also have a boyfriend in Los Angeles (thanks, Tinder) who encouraged me to follow my heart and leave. So on Christmas Day, having finished finals, I told my family Iād be leaving BYU for good, that there was no chance of me being Mormon again, that I couldnāt handle pretending to be someone else anymore, and I hopped on a plane to Los Angeles with $900 saved up.
I lived with my boyfriend for several months while I saved up to get my own room. Moving to LA was SO HARD. I was scared, lonely, had no friends/job/skills that most 19-year-olds do bc of growing up in a community whose primary focus seemed to be preserving my innocence. (Do you relate to that?) I had no idea how to support myself, how to be an adult, how to be a girlfriend, how to not feel guilty for drinking coffee or having sex, the list goes on and on and on. I did not anticipate it to be that hard, because people often remarked how āmature" I was for my age. I discovered while I was over developed in some areas and significantly underdeveloped in others.
My experience transitioning out of Mormonism, dealing with family, and working toward independence was clumsy and insanely difficult in every way imaginable.. At timesĀ I worried I made the wrong decision when I didnāt reap any immediate rewards. I assumed Iād show up in Los Angeles and easily shift into this new life, find work, make friends fast, and have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend- void of heaviness, mistakes, or anxiety. This was absolutely not the case- I donāt know why I expected there to be no growing pains in the midst of such a massive shift.
I experienced difficulty making decisions and trusting myself because I never had to establish my own morals or guidelines- they were always set by my bishop, my parents, the prophet, or the Word of Wisdom. It became clear that I actually didnāt even know who I was or how things specifically affected me. Was I okay with casual sex or did I want to wait til I was in a relationship or married? Was I bisexual? What were my drinking limits, do I want to drink at all? Do I pray, do I believe in a God? Do I even want to participate in one religion, or combine all the good parts into something that is my own?Ā
Rather than finding these questions daunting, Iāve realized that literally every person goes through this- that depending on my experiences these are questions Iāll always have and that Iāll always be working on, defining, and redefining. In seeking independence, there will be moments of bliss when you feel eager, excited, and full, but there will also be periods of uncertainty, clumsy encounters with people who donāt understand why you might feel stressed about drinking coffee or alcohol, or learning to juggle multiple jobs to support yourself if your family wonāt help out financially.
I hope you know that there are people out there who are going through what youāre going throughā¦ In November I went to this amazing Mormon Transitions Retreat in NYC where John Dehlin and Elna Baker spoke. The experience was life-affirming and some really powerful discussions were had. There is one coming up in SLC, if youāre interested in going. Itās a private, anonymous event, attended by people who have left, who havenāt, and who are wavering in-between. There are also scholarships if you canāt afford to pay for the event. (I definitely couldnāt!)
Iām sending so much love your way and hope you trust in your decision no matter how many bishops, family members, or friends thrust their opinions onto you. Save up money, find supportive people and reach out to them if you ever feel alone or need to vent. Love your family (or donāt!) andĀ understand where to draw the line, assert yourself, and practice self-preservation. Also, if you canāt handleĀ such a drastic transition right now, itās totally fine to do things at your own pace, in your own time. Iāve met several people who I had no idea were struggling with faith/family at BYU but decided to stick it out for cheap tuition. The way I ultimately made the transition and dealt with family was rather abrupt, not very sensible, and I made countless mistakes along the way, but I didnāt really know how else to do itā¦ Do what you, and only you, know is right for yourself, be patient,Ā and know that it takes time. xx
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