When I packed my bag and flew to Korea, I never expected we would talk about those serious things. I just want to make some escape for a while and having fun with myself. But well, never expect something usual. Because with you, my life would be a roller coaster. It can flip just in a second.
That was started when you told me your exhaustion, regarding the fact that I really want to block you once I see you with some other girls. It was a really nice night. We sat around Han river, seeing a glowing fountain from the bridge. But I never know it would stressed you a lot. You looked really tired, and with your subtle voice, you told me to just block you right away.
It was because you don't want being the mean one. You don't want to feel guilty. Or you just give up of our friendship? Because at the last, you might be end up with someone. And that's not me for sure.
I was crying. Remembering the fact that I also stressed a lot because of you. Why don't you talked it earlier? When I still have a power to leave you? When I told you many times that it's better for us to block each other. So my feelings will be healed, and we can completely be friends. It just too late now.
So I asked you, if you were seeing another girls now. But you didn't. I know you never lie. So what's the point of blocking you now? I didn't see the point.
You never hug me although you clearly saw me crying. I knew where your heart is. Just too obvious. Your were the open book. I could read all of your pages. Well, the tears didn't last forever. I was already used to it. So I wiped my eyes, and we came back laughing again. It just so us. And I didn't want to ruin my trip with this conversation on the first day I arrived.
Moving on, I really had a great stay with you. You were really reliable. Always checking up on me whenever you were not home. Make sure I was eating some food by cooking the rice before you go. You even accompanied me to clinic for PCR test although I told you many times that you don't have to. Super nice host. Super good friend.
That was quiet a trip. Thought you wouldn't have time for me but you always stay with me everytime. We made it to Hanok Village, took some photos, having fun with the trip. Just the usual you who want to make a content, by walking through the tranquil trees. I could see your innocence, free from your burden.
Then we went to karaoke. Slightly different from the you before. Because again, you were the open book. I could understand that your feelings was not with me anymore. Just listening to your singing. Love is open the door would never be the same.
There was a time when you introduce me to all your friends. I couldn't really get along because my english was limited, and they talked too fast. You said to me everyone is trying, so I should try as well if I want to survive. Ah... really? The drinks was for lowing the tension. You said so. The reason why you drink. Again, really?
Then I proved you that I didn't need drinks to get along with your friends. Once I made a friend with one of yours. I told you I could go with my own way, and didn't need drinks. I also told you, that I didn't need to be friend with everyone. You were agree with me, but somehow I could feel the offense in your words. You said you just want to drink. That's all. Which made me creep and sad, for some reason. Was it the you I used to know?
The differences started to show, and finally we both knew that we were a completely opposite. From the simplest thing as I didn't want to walk faster while you want to arrived quickly. To the complicated thing such as, for you it was okay to talk harsh as long as it was genuine and for the better, but for me I prefer to try understand more rather than to judge others, even though sometimes that could be a lie.
We argued a lot. I cried once because you were so rude with my breakout face. Yeah, you started to think like Korean, when the looks is above everything. You didn't feel good with yourself even though everything seems fine to me. For you the result is number one, and you didn't want to see the process. Living in Korea for two years made you think that way. I was dissapointed yet pitied you at the same time. Where that comes from? You poor little boy, lost in the dark wood without any lights to guide you.
But yeah, I still managed to look fine. Laughed at you, made the conversation. Well, it was me afterall. I could stay like nothing happened. One thing that you couldn't do.
Even so, you were a super great guide. Never felt hungry wherever I was around you. You brought me to the all good restaurants. Chicken, chimdalk, beef, malatang, seaweed beef soup, nakksaesomething, fish something, blablabla. Everthing was good. You taught me your Korean culture with those-serves-other-people-while-you-serve-yourself. And I had fun when I put your spoon and chopstick, also poured you some water.
The trip was nice indeed. You accomplished all of my wishlist. When I told you I really want to go to Han River, you made me go there. As well as cycling around it, go to Noraebang, having a jimjillbang, go to Busan, and wear Hanbok. It was for a last day, we didn't even go to Gyeongbokgung, but you really made me wear the Hanbok.
Ahh, and for the Busan trip. Honestly I want to separate from your friends, because we ended up being together with three of your friends. And yeah, you granted my wish again. We made our trip separatedly, even you extend our stay by leaving on monday. You were super nice, did your best to make my trip went excellent.
Those warm water, cold soju, taylor swift playing all too well, while you wrapped your arms around my body. I knew that was too much for two person who didn't have a heart for each other. But I knew we just want to enjoy the moment. Because at some point, we knew that we couldn't make it anymore. Perhaps it could be our last chance. Perhaps we would never ever came back.
That was a quiet night. We barely talk. Just feel each other's body. There was no happiness nor sadness. I just felt the comfort coming from your breathe. Stress relieved. Something I wish I could asked for more.
Woke up for the sunrise, strolling out of the beach. Feeling the sands below our shoes. You finally told me something you really want to tell. You dated someone. Which, didn't surprise me at all. I just set a glimpse smile. I know it, I said. Told you, you were an open book. How come I didn't know?
I should get mad at this point, but I didn't. More or less, you became like this because of me. The other reason, I understand them just now. The dots finally connected. Your past, your background, your childhood, your family, all of those burdens and expectations. I couldn't ask you to be the regular man next door. It's not you. You must be very extra, which somehow hurts me even more.
I went home with the burden inside my chest. That was really unfair, that was really cruel. But the thing is, I cannot hate you. Not even a bit. There was a part when I mad at God. Why He made my heart this subtle? Can I just hate you for the rest of my life? Can I just walk away from you? Turning my head as if you didn't exist?
I heard some wishpers, as if someone telling me to stay still. To hang in there. To be with you to the very end. Which now makes me understand what's role I am for you.
I will be your guidance. I will be your light. I will protect you. I will make sure everything goes right.
Yes, I will stay. I won't leave you no matter what. Until finally you are able to walk within yourself again. Until finally you meet the person that matter most. I will be there. I won't go anywhere.
That's pretty much sums up everything. This is another chapter to enter: Unconditional Love.
