food diary

she/her 18 y/o infj ♊️🦋 active October 2023 🧚🏽‍♀️ block, don’t report ☁️ (Dni if you’re under 16)

[magicalgirl00]

I think I’m gonna cry.. I’m 71kg?? My bmi is 23,7. Maybe I have reverse body dysmorphia:/ I’m honestly shocked.. how could I let myself go like this.. wow! And the worst part is that I already lost a lot of extra weight.. my highest weight must have been somewhere around 80kg then 💀 I was a whale:(( I really thought that I’d have been max 70kg at my highest and now I’d be around 64kg.. and at the beginning of the year I was literally 58kg!! Wow this is horrible

[magicalgirl00]

I’m overwhelmed by having two blogs to post on now.. so ofc my natural reaction was posting on neither of them 💀🧚🏽‍♀️

[magicalgirl00]

Hi everyone, I’ve made a new blog called @cha0tic-fairy-dust where I’ll be posting more than here from now on. I want @magicalgirl00 to be a blog exclusively dedicated to my Ed, while the new blog is about everything else in my life and won’t mention my Ed. But it’s gonna be cool, I hope:)

[magicalgirl00]

just visibly hung up my old jeans (two sizes smaller than I currently wear) in my room. I already fit in them but they’re a bit too tight. My goal is to fit into them effortlessly by next Friday. This is such a good inspiration🧚🏽‍♀️✨

[magicalgirl00]

[magicalgirl00]

my 101st friend

He found me, he followed me. Now he’s mine✨

little bby butterfly 🦋

Thank you for 100 followers 💕🐛

[magicalgirl00]

I might just

[magicalgirl00]

Officially in my gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss era. I figured it out. I’ve just been lazy. Which is problematic ik. But I’m working on it. This morning I woke up and did my makeup and everything. My room is still a mess. And I have a huge exam today. Rn I’m listening to subliminals for that. Need to leave for school soon. I just need to start trusting myself again. Gotta meditate on that.

[magicalgirl00]

I don’t think I’ll ever weigh myself again. Even if I know I’m getting thinner and doing good. It drove me mad last time. And I know if I’m loosing or not. Once I fit my xs clothes again or if even those feel loose I might step on the scale. But otherwise no. I still have a ugw and everything. But knowing I’ll get there eventually is enough. My brain doesn’t function right if I let my life be determined by the number on the scale. And I know I won’t like what I see. I have enough numbers in my life already: math class and counting calories. That’s it.

[magicalgirl00]

daily log (oct 4th 23):

how I feel currently 🧚🏽‍♀️

Diary will be below but first cals since that’s what y’all are here for.

(I ate so much today, within a two hour frame)

(Pastries and chips 🤠- I know.. I actually wanted to make a really healthy low cal soup today and have it as my omad.. but no- this girl ate her feelings like a pig 🧚🏽‍♀️)

Buut here comes the upside. I cycled for about three hours today. Wow.. to school and back. Yes, my school is literally 20km away from my house and I’m a bit over the top ig. But it was fun really. I’m not even joking. I listened to my bomb girly playlist and my fav podcast (anything goes).

Soo.. I burned 1667 kcal today. Minus 100 from walking.

Total: 293

This is perhaps the definition of a metabolism day. I feel like this food got digested so fast. Def realizing how much I actually love exercise. And how little these foods do. Like satisfactory wise.

Anywho..

Now personal stuff. Today was my first day back in school since we had a long weekend due to a public holiday. I kinda woke up early and got pretty plus wore my new clothes and I look visibly thinner. So my confidence is 📈📈 it’s fun being perceived as a hot girly.. and I’m more focused in class and choose how and who I interact with. All is good at school. The only thing is I feel guilty for not doing enough. I seriously think I’ve been in this depression for too long now. And its making me stupid and lazy. But at least I’m getting pretty now ✨

Tomorrow I have my first big exam (6 hours 🤡) and I’m only kinda ready.. so let’s see how it goes.

Pray for me 🙏🏽

Otherwise with my man it’s going well. He still wants me, still charming and sweet. And I’ll see him this weekend💕

About my blog:

Imma try and separate Ed from everything else and therefore post on two different blogs. This will remain my food and exercise diary and my new blog will be my personal stuff and fun aesthetic things too. Let’s see 🧚🏽‍♀️ but no more thinspi, sorry.

As I feel drained and Ig I should be studying rn these changes will happen soon but idk when 👍🏽

Bye, love and peace to everyone 💕



[kosmogrl]

[gaysie]

depression or whatever is soooo embarrassing oops i ruined a large chunk of my future because i just didn’t feel like doing anything for a while . Epic Cringe babe...

[magicalgirl00]

daily log (oct. 3rd 23):

What I ate:

- bowl of peanuts (561 kcal)

- two pancakes (230 kcal)

- two monster ultras (22kcal)

Consumed: 813 kcal

Exercise:

- walking (-100 kcal)

- biking (-277 kcal)

Total: 436 kcal

[magicalgirl00]

haha okay I’m disturbed and conflicted rn. This b0ne$pi stuff is normal on Ed tumblr Ik and don’t hate me. But this is so wrong and I cannot bare too see this. Not talking about skinny women and boney models but actual dead looking people. Emaciated like corpses. Like they’d die any second. It’s repulsive really.. I think I might take a break from this and write more in a real journal instead of here. Just to reflect. This might be really wrong. Perhaps I will delete this account and create a new one centered around different mental health topics.. idk.. I still want to live out my Ed online. But at the same time.. I don’t feel sick enough to justify that I need to be a part of this community.. I don’t think spaces like these should seize to exist. Since people, especially isolated mentally ill people need a community where they can relate to one another. But.. it should be for people who are sick already. Not for healthy people who have a glamorized image of Ed’s in their head and actively want to trigger themselves into this disorder. That was me. And now I’m the people providing those triggers for other young teens trying to develope this illness. How messed up. I think if I continue posting on this page I’ll keep it neutral and won’t continue using the tags so it will be harder to find.

I know I can’t stop this viscous cycle and I’m not trying to.. but wow everything feels just so sick and twisted and wrong. So I gotta step away. I’m not trying to shame anyone. Just jotting down my thoughts

[magicalgirl00]

I can’t.. sorry for being so toxic to everyone and myself. This is not me trying to delete this account and recover. But I don’t think I can keep posting purposeful triggers anymore.. I will still do my food diaries and stuff and talk about my progress.. but I can’t put this thinspo shit out there anymore.. it feels wrong. I’ll still consume it.. but I can’t be part of this machine anymore I think. There is more to life and I’m wrong for putting these damaging messages out there.

I love y’all but I’m just trying to keep it real.

[walkinthefairygarden]

[magicalgirl00]

it’s funny bc I blame part of my crisis on the roles and expectations that are burdened on me from society. But at the same time I love being a woman. I just wish to be free. Honestly..

Here are two vids I watched recently that helped me understand myself better.. but also I still feel helpless. I’m not. I love how deep I can feel things and how far I can think. But simultaneously it’s driving me insane..

[magicalgirl00]

Personal diary

how? I cleaned my room two days ago and now it looks like a total mess again..

Honestly, I am kinda spiraling currently. Controlling my food comes easy. But everything else just feels like a mess.

- My family: I don’t even want to talk to my parents anymore bc it feels like every time I do I’m being manipulated in some way.. I don’t want them to know what I’m doing. I don’t want to rely on them any longer. I hate how they use me to vent about my other siblings. How I have to mediate between them. Shit. And my sister is so unstable. I love her so much. But i cannot live with her. She destroys our house. I’m scared she might hurt me.

- My school: I can’t focus. I can’t be bothered. I care about my education and my future but I’m just so fucking tired. Omg.. but I’ll do what needs to be done. I wish people expected less of me.

- My relationship: I don’t know how serious and sure he is about me. He def likes me and wants me.. but I think he believes he’s not the right guy for me. He’s older and I don’t know where he expects things to go. I told him that I’d want him and I don’t want him to abandon me. I know.. needy and shit. The thing is.. he knows I’d have options. He thinks I’m beautiful and he likes me. So I thought if I tell him how I feel and how much I need him he’d be happy and grateful. I want him really bad. But I told him at this point so I won’t be even more hurt when I get more attached to him…

I can cancel the guy out but overall I just feel stuck. And the way he held me, the way he looks at me and talks to me makes me feel so safe and protected and wanted. I could be his.

I know exactly how this sounds, I’m not stupid.. I should work on my school and get out of my family situation instead of hoping a man can fix me. But I really crave this sense of belonging and being understood. And I’m so touch deprived I think. But he feels so familiar and safe, although I don’t even know him well enough to say that. He’s a good man for sure. He means well. I wish I can keep him. And harness strength for other areas of my life or at least a sense of escapism..

[magicalgirl00]

mood