Potentially Lovely; Perpetually Human

I'm Mahs and this is my personal blog. In love since Jan 3rd 2012 wow if you find this blog i guess you can follow it!! i'm pretty careful so if i reblog something from you on it its ok if you wanna follow it lmao I used to be very very sick but these days (2015) I am not so much. I still struggle with often but nothing as dark as it used to be Small victories.

[mahsipan]

im so tired do i go to bed or do i stay awake

i’m sitting my full license test this wednesday and i can feel the anxiety building i am so terrified but i need to remember that if i don’t pass my life wont end????? lmao unbelievable            my brain tho

[mahsipan]

feelin melancholy tonight

like not sad but ??? i feel like time isnt goin anywhere

I miss david wow gay hes been gone for 2 days on uni break and it already feels like 2 weeks damn

also every time i eat i feel extremely nauseous I have no idea whats goin on there lmfao

[mahsipan]

Yup today was badd bad bad bad thought about doing myself in and that writing that it was my fucking cunt boss' fault bc I just want to seriously ruin her. I feel like my suicide on her hands is the only thing that'll help me but then obviously not because I'd be dead But then I think about David and my cat and almost cried at work lmao I can't leave them that'd destroy them,, ahh dammit

[mahsipan]

Im so nauseous rn Im scared Im going to throw up at work!!!!!

[mahsipan]

Lmao fairly certain my life is a waste I broke it..!!! If I didn't have David I'd be dead by now Im not joking

[mahsipan]

Im so hungover man looks like I'll be on da greasy food and fruit juice 2nighttttttttttttt

[mahsipan]

This is weird theres like this thick later of something around my brain that stops... my thoughts and my emotions go from nothing to extreme and I almost cry but I don't even know what emotion it is

[mahsipan]

My mental health is shattered into a million pieces I am broken

[mahsipan]

I'm so terribly unhappy I hate my job and I hate my life here in this shitty little piss ass town.

Work today was horrible and i worked 1.5 hours overtime  that I won't get paid for and didn't stop for a lunch break and when I asked to leave I got "Too bad if I said no" and i dont even know what that's meant to mean?? like 'haha i have the power' I just wanna punch her in the face

Now im sitting on my couch in tears and all I wanna do is vomit profusely into my toilet bowl but I have nothing in my stomach to vomit anyway and the thought of eating makes me feel even worse

[too-gay-tofunction-blog]

I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once

(via god-karen-you-re-so-stupid)

[mahsipan]

I've been offered a job in Christchurch and damn I really, really want it. The guy is happy to get me through my apprenticeship and teach me new skills like cut throat fades!!!!! Which we don't do here and I want that skill. I don't wanna piss my employers off though Lmao. Leaving in the middle of an apprenticeship sounds like such a dick move.. but i think I need to leave!! This town!!! I'm sick and I'm getting sicker by the day. My depression and anxiety are building and a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with TJM and it gives me lockjaw and severe pain in my jaw and neck like??? Shit. I can't do two more years here alone because it's unhealthy :c Every day alone and only working and sleeping!! A twenty year old girl shouldn't be doing that yno. That's like failed 40yr old father living. Ah I dunNO

[mahsipan]

Anxious and I feel like shit I feel like as soon as feel like I have some footing in my life it all falls down and kicks me in the balls!!!  I felt organized about things last week and I did all of my paperwork and shit but now I have to look into getting a new car!!!!!!! And fast. I'm not going to be able to afford the plans I had for Baby's 21st and now i seriously,, feel like shit,,

[mahsipan]

Shit man getting really anxious and nothing is happening Wtf like can u not?? Nothing IS HAPPENING SCREAMS

[mahsipan]

Lmao I wanna be married with a house and qualified ya feel me

[mahsipan]

feelin kinda da crappy what a pain!!!

Davids becoming slightly less and less reliable and its getting to the point where i dont see the point of making plans anymore b/c they're gonna get botched and it throws off my day

But its just little things though like himcoming over after work at 5 but then he'll text me at 6 saying he's gonna be later and so he shows up at 8 but can only stay until like 10? like,, whats the point and even though I wouldn't have been doing anything during that time anyway I hate feeling like i'm waiting

I had a Workdo last night (a dinner) that started at 5:30 but when he came to pick me up he told me he had to leave at 8? why tell me,,, right at the last minute. Luckily for him it worked out and it finished at 8:30 but what if it wasn't a dinner? What if it were drinks and it carried on until late,, what would be the point for him to go and not drink and leave so early. Why go,, lmao. I dunno i feel like i'm just whining but its getting annoying.

For my birthday some local friends of mine were gonna have some social drinks at my Moms empty house and I was super excited but then on the morning of my birthday he drops on me that he can't go anymore?? because of a wedding he knew about a month before,,, he said he forgot which i get but i mean i organised that lil drink things almost a month beforehand,, And the day he told me was literally the day i couldn't change plans anymore b/c tickets were booked and shit that morning.

He used to stay the night at mine but his mom randomly pulled the plug when he got back for the summer and now he can't sleep at my goddamn apartment. Fucked me off royally because we're fucking twenty years old and some random mentioned to his mom that someone saw the both of us in town and that our ' body language' suggested that we were 'quite the couple' ,,,,, um well yes we fucking are and I dont see the problem because i'm not grabbing his crotch or sucking hickies on his goddamn neck we're just?? I dont even know what we're doing. Holding hands as we walk around? I have my arm around his waist? Whats the fucking problem. I mean really. I did talk to him about it and he did say he'd talk to his mom about it,, which he did on thuRSDAY and he texted me to tell me and the response was 'i'll tell you about it in person'

Now its Sunday night and he hasn't told me shit and he knows i'm really worried about it. Just because he's talked to her and knows whats up doesn't mean its sorted out. I still have no idea and i refuse to be in a relationship where my boyfriend of over a year cant sleep at my fucking house at twenty years old, ya feel me personal blog. Ya fucking feel me here.

He doesnt like plans to be changed at the last minute and usually i dont mind last minute plans i find them exciting but when they involve me sitting around wondering what the fuck is going on i just get annoying. Maybe sometimes but its getting to the point where its almost happening every time. Sometimes i'll be sitting around watching something or playing my DS while i wait around and after like,, two hours of nothing i'll get a text like "maybe not tonight i think i'm going to spend family time' like ffs thats cool i dont mind him spending time with his family but if the plan was that we were going to spend time together please tell me as soon as possible so i'm not wasting my time waiting for you

I spend enough of my fucking year waiting around for you and i refuseto do it more than i already fuckin do ykno

i dunno i'm slowly getting over this relationship and its scaring me

[mahsipan]

"Love is the answer to a question I've forgotten, and I know I've been asked"

[mahsipan]

David came over to help me clean my house cause i have a flat inspection on Wednesday and its faster with two and I thought itd be fun but he just sat on the couch and played on his phone for half an hour and then had to go,, I cleaned around him and now I've lost motivation!! Sucks man