i feel so guilty about not writing the requests in my inbox ( ˶ˊᜊˋ˶)
i’m getting there i swear!! currently focusing on a christmas request i want to get out before christmas itself… i’m on a deadline and i am an extreme procrastinator. wish me luck
summary: teacher! reader confused by gen alpha brainrot.
warnings: fem! reader, talk about brainrot, slightly boomer-ish reader despite literally being gen z
when schlatt came home, you were sat at the kitchen table, laptop in front of you, looking like a mad investigator trying to solve a crime.
“…toots… are you alright?” he asked, amused at your disheveled appearance
“schlatt! you’re a streamer, you’re familiar with kids, right? you’re connected with the new generations?”
“no. for my sanity and career please don’t ever say that.”
“…oops.“
“and i hope no kids are watching my content, it’s for their own good”
“…anyway! the kids have been going on about one of their trends again and i don’t get it. last year it was some knee surgery bullshit and italian stuff and now it’s 67?? what the hell does that mean??” you said, gesticulating dramatically
he laughed.
“don’t laugh at me!!” you exclaimed, pointing your finger into his chest accusingly, more flustered than before. because now, not only did you not get your students’ little trend, but now your own boyfriend was making fun of you for it??
“it’s just slop, babe, don’t worry about it” he said with a chuckle, moving to close your laptop and kiss the side of your head.
“i dont get it” you muttered, and crossing over your stomach as you leaned back in the chair
“you dont have to” he replied softly, leaning over you and placing his hand on your shoulder assuringly
“it’s not inappropriate?”
“i don’t see how it could be”
“…okay.”
“yeah?”
“it’s- whatever.”
“you don’t convince me, toots”
“it’s not inappropriate, i’ll let em do what they want”
“that’s the spirit. i dont want your smart and beautiful brain to melt off”
“…i still don’t get it”
“don’t worry, the younger generations are just doomed”
“don’t say that!”
i am (kind of) back!!! my exams are finally over 🙏🙏
do we like teacher! reader???
i can just imagine schlatt falling for a teacher because like- i imagine his girl putting in so much effort for her class to learn in a fun way and doing so much research for activities and him just thinking like- his girlfriend is shaping the future of little human beings and that is so incredible and fascinating to him. am i ranting? i’m ranting.
and he’d come home to see you in the living room engrossed in your work, jambo and redacted either laying on the papers scattered across the coffee table or curled up comfortably on your lap or the old leather couch behind you
in which: schlatt is insecure since he gained weight and became “fat and unattractive”. so he is absolutely confused when reader starts flirting with him at a bar
warnings: fem! reader, insecure schlatt, mentions of alcohol and bars, schlatt as Jonathan
“hey handsome” you said flirtatiously (after hyping yourself up for what like felt like an hour in front of the bathroom mirror)
all that time hyping yourself up to get… no reaction. literally zero.
okay, maybe he didn’t hear you, so you decided to tap his shoulder “heyyy” you said with a smile
“uh? hello” he replied, looking confused
“is this seat free?” you signaled to the stool to his right
“yep. go for it” he replied before turning around and going back to his drink.
did he not get the hint or was he just rejecting you?
“whatcha drinking?” you asked, not giving up, but instead leaning on the table and conjuring up a smile you hoped looked charming.
“whiskey”
“neat?”
“yeah”
“that’s strong”
“i’m used to it”
…well this guy was pretty dry
“what’s your name?” you asked, leaning his way
“Jonathan, why?”
okay, what is actually going on
“if you’re not interested you can just tell me you know?” you said, a bit annoyed
“what?” he replied, actually looking confused. ‘cause like- this girl was absolutely beautiful. goddess level beautiful.
“if you’re not interested in me you can just say so” you repeated
“wait- you’re interested in me?”
“that’s what i’m saying”
“were you flirting with me?”
you frowned; you thought you had made your intentions very clear, touching him arm and smiling and even hitting him with the eyes a few times, and he didn’t get the memo?
“yeah i am- wait- do you have a girlfriend?” you asked panicked. look, he was incredibly handsome, but you weren’t about to become a homewrecker.
“no it’s just- you’re gorgeous, and i-“ he said
“and you?”
“i’m- uh-“ he stumbled. he wasn’t gonna open up about his insecurities to a girl who just started flirting with him at the bar, would he?
“you’re?”
“you’re totally out of my league”
“are you crazy?”
“look i’m fat and kinda ugly and you’re-“
“are you saying fat men are ugly? that’s not very nice of you to say, Jonathan” you teased with a small grin
“no i’m- oh my lord.” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“accept it, you’re very handsome” you smiled.
and he actually blushed.
“you’re stubborn”
“you are too” you shot back immediately
he grinned.
it’s safe to say you two talked the whole night.
again, experimenting with dialogue!! hope this made sense… but i think it made more sense in my head. anyway…
reading this back it’s kinda shitty but whatever 😭
in which: some nights, you get extremely paranoid. and tonight it just happened to be while sleeping at your boyfriend’s.
warnings: fem! reader, paranoid feeling at night, melatonin
it was four am and you were wide awake.
a noise in the kitchen, a regular tapping sound from somewhere inside the closet, the sounds from the street below, the creaking of the wooden floorboards…
every single little sound in schlatt’s apartment made your breath hitch and heartbeat fasten.
you were restless. you felt like you were going crazy.
but you couldn’t wake schlatt! you had only been dating for a couple months, you couldn’t embarrass yourself like this! you really, really liked him, and you felt like you were getting somewhere.
so you thought that if you woke him up, he’d think you were childish, jumpy. c’mon now, who wakes their partner of a couple of months at three am because they were feeling paranoid? it’d be like a child waking their parents because they’re scared of the dark. no, no way. you were not stepping that low.
“…honey?” you heard the man behind you say in a groggy voice.
well, shit.
“yeah?” you said, mustering up your best fake sleepy voice, which only led to a voice crack, making you blush furiously. what the fuck was that.
you felt him smile behind you and turned around, pointing a finger to his chest accusingly “s’not funny” you said, flustered
“you’re wide awake” he replied
“because you woke me up?” you said, hoping he was too tired to catch your shitty excuse
“your eyes are wide open”
“…they’re always like this”
“no they’re not”
“yes they are”
“nuh-huh”
“yuh-huh”
a moment of silence passed.
“you haven’t gotten a wink of sleep tonight, have you?” he asked despite already knowing the answer.
“yes i-”
“don’t lie to me” he cut you off
“…no i haven’t”
“why?” he said softly
“i don’t know, i just can’t”
“what’s bothering you?”
“…the sounds”
“the sounds?” he repeated
“i just get a bit paranoid at night sometimes” you admitted, embarrassed “i’m sorry”
“don’t apologize” he said “you want a melatonin? i’m sure i keep one of those gummy things around…” he said, moving to look through his nightstand.
“…okay” you said, sitting up and resting your chin on his shoulder, looking over it to his hands.
“uhhhh- here” he said, grabbing a bottle with red gummies and a yellow cap, turning it around. “adults, chew 2 gummies an hour before bedtime, blah blah blah…” he read out before opening the bottle and fishing out two gummies.
“give me seven” you muttered
“no can do. tag says to not exceed two daily”
“it’s just a stupid tag”
“it’s my melatonin, you’re getting two gummies, no complaints”
you groaned, putting them on your mouth, tasting them and making your face scrunch up.
“chew ‘em”
“they don’t taste like berries at all”
“toots.”
“what?”
“you gotta chew ‘em”
“fine” you said, chewing them “…ew”
“they’re not so bad”
“they’re not good, either”
“it’ll help you sleep” he said, putting the bottle back into his nightstand before his hands went over his shoulder to massage your scalp, making you relax immediately.
“mmm, you always do this” you hummed softly
“you always melt” he replied
“it just feels nice”
“i know”
he turned around to lay back down, and you laid back down too.
“c’mere” he said, opening his arms, inviting you to lay back against his warm chest. the offer was too good to resist, so you shimmied your way over and laid your head on his chest, under his chin.
his hand, of course, went up to continue playing with your hair.
and so, against all odds known to you, in a night where you would’ve already given up and started doomscrolling your way until sunrise, you ended up falling into a deep sleep.
a/n: heavily inspired by my so-called “sleep” tonight, except for the fact i was alone and fell asleep at 7am when it was already light out (i slept like 3 hours and immediately wrote this)
also i’ve been playing around with dialogue, once again i hope it sounds natural
i wrote this in like 30 minutes, i hope it’s not that shitty
in which: after discovering you’d never celebrated what, according to him, is the best holiday, schlatt decides to show you what a ‘real’ Christmas looks like
warnings: fem! reader, suggestive comment
title from It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (sung by the man himself)
it was november, and you were in a much needed grocery shopping trip with schlatt. as soon as you entered the supermarket you were hit with loud christmassy music and bright lights. you didnt really mind it, you just… didn’t get it.
your family celebrated christmas- you gave out gifts and everything, but you didn’t really get all the intensity surrounding the holiday- why would you need a 12-feet-tall inflatable reindeer that you use once and then it’s saved away and forgotten in the attic?
you knew schlatt’s family was festive- you had seen it firsthand when visiting his parents. their Christmas tree was a proper pine, decorated with bright lights and glittery ornaments, along with all kinds of gifts wrapped in colorful paper with little winking Santas printed on them.
and of course, schlatt grew up loving Christmas. hell, his only album was a Christmas one, it was clear this was his favorite holiday.
back to the moment at hand, you were walking the aisles with schlatt, hand holding his arm, looking down at the shopping list
“we need to get the gifts for your nephews” you reminded
making your way towards the toy aisle, you walked past all the Christmas trees that were set up and you absentmindedly remarked “i’ve never had a Christmas tree before”
schlatt froze in the middle of the hallway. you took a few steps before realizing, and stopped in your tracks, looking back at him, confused “are you alright?” you asked
“are you telling me you’ve never had a christmas before?”
“i have celebrated a christmas, i’ve gotten the gifts and stuff”
“…but no tree?”
“nope”
“…”
“what?”
“that’s unacceptable”
he proceeded to make you pick out all kinds of tacky decorations that you two would put on his Christmas tree.
“is this a… mustard ornament?” you said with a frown
“…it’s kinda funny”
“it’s plain consumerism”
while walking one of the many Christmas hallways (there were seriously like five of these. you truly still didn’t get why) you saw one of those gingerbread houses building kits
“ohh, that looks fun” you said
schlatt once again gave at you with that look that kind of mixed disappointment with pity.
“you’ve never built a gingerbread house.”
“no?”
“oh my god… this woman” he grumbled while shaking his hand, putting three kits into the cart (for good measure, the more the merrier)
“isn’t three a bit excessive?” you asked
“nope” he immediately shut you down
“…we’re two people. we can’t eat three whole gingerbread houses”
“…we’ll give one to my parents” he said
“like a macaroni drawing?”
“stop complaining, just let me show you how fun celebrating Christmas is!” he said in a pleading tone
“fine” you replied, leaning against him “…sorry”
“dont apologize, toots” he said, kissing the top of your head and pulling you close against his side.
two days later, he was holding you up, arms wrapped tight around your thighs, your left hand on his head for support
“jay i’m gonna fall-“ you panicked
“i’ve got you, love, just place the star” he insisted.
you reached up to place the star on top of the tree and he stepped back with you still in his arms.
he set you down and moved to turn on the lights.
it was tacky and messy and looked like it would fall apart any minute, but it was so you.
“sooo?” he asked with that boyish grin he reserved for you
“…i guess i could get used to that” you replied.
“oh, you love it” he teased
“it’s okay.”
“just okay?”
“solely okay.”
he looked at you with a raised eyebrow and a smug smirk
“what.”
“…you’re such a big liar, sweetheart”
“oh, fuck you!”
“please do” he said immediately, grinning
you went bright red immediately “shut up!”
he laughed hysterically.
a/n: okay so this is heavily inspired by me and how my family celebrate christmas- i’ve always seen like “american” christmases with trees and stuff and it looks so cool 😞
also much more dialogue than i usually write, i really hope i was able to make it sound natural 😭
schlatt’s been away somewhere for a video (japan maybe?) and he like MISSES the fem! reader. like he’s a man that’s been YEARNING FOR HER.
anyways he returns home late at night exhausted because his flight got delayed and he’s frustrated and angry and tired BUTTTT he goes upstairs, sees reader curled up under the blankets asleep because she fell asleep before he arrived
but it’s like all his anger melts away and it’s really domestic and he’s clingy and inlove and yada yada
i love ur writing so so so SOOO much!! hope u can provide!
making my way home to you
thank you so much!!! it makes me so happy that people like the silly little stuff i write, it absolutely warms my heart 🫶 also thank you for the inspo! i’m sorry for taking so long to get to the requests, i’m in exams season and have a very big exam in like two days (i know i asked for requests, but i have an absolutely horrible timing. oops). back to the request in hand, i hope this meets your expectations!!
in which: after weeks of being touched depraved, the world just seems against him
warnings: fem! reader, stressed and whiny jschlatt, accidental being mean to a service worker
schlatt was annoyed. 
his flight out of tokyo was supposed to leave at 8:10 am to get to New York at 12:30 pm. he was planning to get a cab, open the front door of his home with the key from the potted plant, and be met with two plates of warm food on the counter, his cats lazying around, and you. he was supposed to hug you, sit for dinner, and then pass the fuck in his room, his bed, with his bedsheets, and most importantly, with his girlfriend in his arms. he hadn’t seen you in weeks, he had missed the absolute hell out of you.
but of course, his perfect little glass bubble was cracked by the announcement at the airport.
“did i hear the announcement right?” he asked, panicked, a little rougher than intended
“hello sir, what plane are you boarding?” the woman said calmly
“yes- hello, sorry, flight AA8403“
the woman typed something on her computer “yes sir, we came across a complication with the plane, and due to us prioritizing the safety of our crew and passengers there has been a fueling delay”
he groaned internally “…okay, thank you ma’am”
he left defeated.
not half a minute later, your phone was ringing. you picked it up happily
“hey jay! you boarding already?” you asked, clearly happy.
“babe, they delayed the plane” he said in a defeated and extremely sad voice
“what?”
“they forgot to pump gas on the plane or somethin’ and now i don’t know when i’ll get home” he said “i’m pissed. i miss you”
“i miss you too, jay” you replied “but it’ll just be a couple hours!” you added, trying to be optimistic “it’s not like there’s still a week left, we’ll see each other in no time!”
“…yeah, but still, this sucks. we were supposed to have dinner together.” he said
“it’ll be okay” you tried to reassure him “i’ll put your plate in the fridge”
“…thanks sweetheart”
“hey, cheer up. i’ll be waiting for you ready to hug the hell outta you”
“i’d like that”
his flight ended up being delayed for 8 hours. to say he was tired was an understatement.
he finally landed in new york at 00:30 am. he got out of the airport by 1, and then he took the one hour taxi ride home to upstate new york. of course, there just had to be construction or whatever in the highway, adding a half hour more to his trip. the world really was against him, wasn’t it?
so here he was now, struggling with the keys at your front porch in the darkness of the night.
he finally got it, immediately took off his shoes, locked the door, and made his way straight to your guy’s room.
he saw the light was on, you must’ve not heard him.
but as he turned the corner, he saw you.
you were deep asleep, a book in your lap, curled up on the bed, neck craned at an angle that looked extremely uncomfortable, the harsh light illuminating your face.
he chuckled. of course, only you could fall asleep like this.
he put his suitcase down, gave jambo and soup a little pat (the cats didn’t give a flying fuck he was back home after two weeks. seriously, who do they think they are??) and turned to you with a soft smile.
he got a knee on the bed and shook your shoulder softly.
“toots, baby” he said softly, with a grin.
your eyes opened slightly, focusing.
but when you saw him, all your exhaustion went away and you swung yourself into his arms with an overjoyed “Jay!”
“hey sweetheart, i’m home” he said softly into your hair “missed you”
“i missed you too”
after a good minute of hugging, he pulled away.
you put the book in the bedside table and turned off the light.
he didn’t ever bother to put his pajamas on. he took off his jeans and immediately got into bed, holding you to his chest.
and as much as he wanted to bask in your closeness after two weeks…
he fell asleep.
he was exhausted, who could blame the man?
he was going to be stuck to your side the next few days either way.
a/n: okay! i think this was longer than usual. which in my opinion is very good!! this was so nice to write. hope you enjoy it, anon!!
Could you maybe do one where Schlatt gets married (like in secret, like he doesn’t post about it anywhere and neither does anyone else) and then a couple of months later he gets into some twitter banter or something with someone and as a comeback Schlatt just posts a picture of him and his wife. Idk if this makes any sense I’m lowk too tired to think rn.
But like it’d be so dramatic because suddenly everyone is like omg who’s his wife, etc etc yk? I just want the ✨drama and gossip✨ of people finding out and everyone going crazy
🌷
love of my life, never apart
ahhhh tysmmm 🫶🫶🫶 first request kinda nervous! hope this meets your expectations 🌷anon :3 i got this request yesterday and was way too excited to procrastinate 😋
in which: after careful deliberation (and your explicit permission), schlatt decides to make his fans flip out
warnings: fem! reader, plans of children, hate, mentions of what happened in ‘99
schlatt and you had gotten married around five months ago. it was a small, cozy, intimate wedding, consisting of close friends and family. your maids of honor were your best friends and schlatt’s best man was ted (rip).
the main rule of your wedding was simple: no posts where he could be recognized. don’t get him wrong, the man was well proud of “wifing you up”, but he was private! and he wanted to enjoy his privacy with you.
seeing you walk down the aisle changed his brain chemistry. the guy had had dreams about this. sleepless nights where you were cuddled up at his side and he couldn’t sleep, all he could think about was you walking down the aisle in a beautiful wedding dress towards him. about exchanging rings and vows. about living a life together, and having children.
it was all coming true in that very moment. well- not the children part, not yet, as you two wanted to enjoy some time as a childless couple, but sometime soon.
back to the present- you had been married for five months already! five incredible months where he’d woken up to you every morning and fallen asleep beside you every night (not that he didn’t before, you’ve lived together for a while already, but now he woke up beside his wife!)
now, schlatt was stuck on a dilemma.
on one hand, he absolutely loved your little private world, none of his fans knowing about you and your relationship, him keeping you away from the internet’s prying eyes and all to himself
on the other hand though… he wanted to show you off so bad. just wanted to yell “I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WIFE” from the rooftops
so he was stuck.
until he realized; he could show the ring on what was clearly a woman’s hand, along with a ring on his own, and he could keep your face hidden!
he got the perfect opportunity… when ted died.
@/TedNivison: i lived bitch
@/jschlatt: It's almost like he's still here with us. RIP man 😰😰
@/TedNivison: shut the fuck up
ah, so that’s how it is? he paid respects for his dead best friend and he got cussed out? that’s unfair.
but… a great opportunity.
and so he made his way from his office to your shared bedroom with a grin. when he came in, he was met with the sight of you on your phone petting jambo softly.
he extended his hand
“huh?”
“gimme your left hand?”
as you raised your hand (and moved it away from jambo, who looked clearly annoyed at the interruption) he held it and snapped a quick picture.
“thanks toots” he said, kissing your forehead before going back into his office.
you smiled and shook your head fondly, your hand going back to pet jambo
@/jschlatt: the wife is sending you hugs to heaven
[1 image attached]
@/TedNivison: hello mrs schlatt, i am alive and well, thank you for the hugs
…
and so the fandom went immediately crazy.
some were in disbelief
“WHO IS SHE”
“OH MY LAWD”
“does she know about what happened in ‘99”
“IS THIS REAL”
others were… well, just straight up mean. this was the internet after all
“poor girl”
“i bet she’s just with him for the money”
now how the hell did that happen
well, he knew this was a risk, and he took it.
plus, he got to prove to the internet that he is lovable, contrary to popular belief.
but he still doesn’t know how he of all people, bagged you. i mean, you’re a literal goddess!
a/n: alright is this to wattpad-y?? be honest.
i hope you liked it 🌷anon! this request stuff is kinda fun
in which: schlatt discovers the beach isn’t that bad
⇨ Don’t you wanna go to the seaside?
a little part 2 to low tides, this time in florida
⇨ go to sleep, you’ll wake up beside me
in which: schlatt, by falling asleep in the most unconventional places ever, may unconciously cause permanent damage to his neck. so you decide to help him out
⇨ his favorite pillow (baby, you’re crushing my bones)
in which: schlatt’s favorite relaxing activity is crushing your bones
⇨ love of my life, never apart 🌷
in which: to mess with the internet (and brag about his wife) schlatt publicly sends your condolences to ted
⇨ making my way home to you
in which: he is way more annoyed at having to wait even longer to see you than he is at his flight being delayed
⇨ 🎄it’s the most wonderful time of the year
in which: after discovering you never really celebrated Christmas, he goes all out
⇨ paranoid
in which: you get paranoid at your boyfriend’s apartment
⇨ “hey handsome”
in which: schlatt is insecure about his body and cannot comprehend how you’re flirting with him
⇨ keep your brain from falling off
in which: schlatt tries to keep teacher! reader’s brain from melting off due to her students’ brainrot
his favorite pillow (baby, you’re crushing my bones)
tired schlatt who relaxes by testing your lung capacity, by laying on top of you
warnings: fem! reader
one of schlatt’s ways of showing love was… interesting, to say the least.
look, schlatt was a big guy, everybody knew this. towering over 6’3, the man was well over average height. it made him look intimidating; tall, broad, gruff attitude, kind of an asshole if you didn’t know him, but he’s such a sweet guy, really!
and he loved you to bits. you had been dating for a bit over a year now, you moved in together recently, and you noticed that for schlatt, there wasn’t anything more relaxing than crushing you after a long day.
literally.
you would be laying on the couch, reading a book or scrolling through your phone, when the brunette would literally materialize out of nowhere and proceed to wordlessly plop his whole 200 pound body over yours, squeezing all the air out of your lungs.
“oof-“ you breathed out at the added weight.
he just groaned, mumbling something into your chest. of course, all you could hear were “mmph”’s, along with the soft vibration of his words against your chest
“what?”
he moved his head so that he could talk
“these are way comfier than a pillow, sweetheart” he muttered, pressing a kiss to your collarbone
“yeah?” you asked softly, your hand going to his hair instinctively
he nodded, dropping his head back down to rest on your chest.
a few minutes passed in silence, where he just relaxed completely under your soft touch on his brown locks.
you absolutely loved playing with his hair, touching his soft curls, running your hands through them and making small braids then undoing them.
and you know he loves having his hair fiddled with.
“long day?” you asked softly
“way too long” he replied
“wanna talk about it?”
“…not yet” he answered “but at this point, you’re the only thing keeping me sane”
“what about jambo and soup?” you joked, looking up at the two cute cats perched on their tree, lounging lazily
“okay, maybe those little bastards too”
you smiled softly. despite him crushing your bones, he felt like a big, warm, weighted blanket— perhaps one a bit too heavy, god knows if you would wake up if you fell asleep this way — but a weighted blanket nonetheless.
“takeout?” you offered
“can we order from that ramen place?”
“ohh, good idea”
a/n: i feel like schlatt would be so cuddly when he’s tired. all his defenses go down and he just craves physical touch and he melts when he gets it. like honestly- think about it. IM NOT (THAT) CRAZY
also i’m a sucker for like- physical contact in areas that would usually be seen as sexual but in a domestic setting. am i making sense? i hope i am. i might not be.
i’m also a sucker for just domesticity in general. i think it’s pretty obvious anyway
