i feel so guilty about not writing the requests in my inbox ( ËśËáËËś)
iâm getting there i swear!! currently focusing on a christmas request i want to get out before christmas itself⌠iâm on a deadline and i am an extreme procrastinator. wish me luck
summary: teacher! reader confused by gen alpha brainrot.
warnings: fem! reader, talk about brainrot, slightly boomer-ish reader despite literally being gen z
when schlatt came home, you were sat at the kitchen table, laptop in front of you, looking like a mad investigator trying to solve a crime.
ââŚtoots⌠are you alright?â he asked, amused at your disheveled appearance
âschlatt! youâre a streamer, youâre familiar with kids, right? youâre connected with the new generations?â
âno. for my sanity and career please donât ever say that.â
ââŚoops.â
âand i hope no kids are watching my content, itâs for their own goodâ
ââŚanyway! the kids have been going on about one of their trends again and i donât get it. last year it was some knee surgery bullshit and italian stuff and now itâs 67?? what the hell does that mean??â you said, gesticulating dramatically
he laughed.
âdonât laugh at me!!â you exclaimed, pointing your finger into his chest accusingly, more flustered than before. because now, not only did you not get your studentsâ little trend, but now your own boyfriend was making fun of you for it??
âitâs just slop, babe, donât worry about itâ he said with a chuckle, moving to close your laptop and kiss the side of your head.
âi dont get itâ you muttered, and crossing over your stomach as you leaned back in the chair
âyou dont have toâ he replied softly, leaning over you and placing his hand on your shoulder assuringly
âitâs not inappropriate?â
âi donât see how it could beâ
ââŚokay.â
âyeah?â
âitâs- whatever.â
âyou donât convince me, tootsâ
âitâs not inappropriate, iâll let em do what they wantâ
âthatâs the spirit. i dont want your smart and beautiful brain to melt offâ
ââŚi still donât get itâ
âdonât worry, the younger generations are just doomedâ
âdonât say that!â
i am (kind of) back!!! my exams are finally over đđ
do we like teacher! reader???
i can just imagine schlatt falling for a teacher because like- i imagine his girl putting in so much effort for her class to learn in a fun way and doing so much research for activities and him just thinking like- his girlfriend is shaping the future of little human beings and that is so incredible and fascinating to him. am i ranting? iâm ranting.
and heâd come home to see you in the living room engrossed in your work, jambo and redacted either laying on the papers scattered across the coffee table or curled up comfortably on your lap or the old leather couch behind you
would yâall be interested in a small little schlatt blurb of teacher! reader confused at gen alpha slang and 67 jokes? i feel like iâm going crazyâŚ
in which: schlatt is insecure since he gained weight and became âfat and unattractiveâ. so he is absolutely confused when reader starts flirting with him at a bar
warnings: fem! reader, insecure schlatt, mentions of alcohol and bars, schlatt as Jonathan
âhey handsomeâ you said flirtatiously (after hyping yourself up for what like felt like an hour in front of the bathroom mirror)
all that time hyping yourself up to get⌠no reaction. literally zero.
okay, maybe he didnât hear you, so you decided to tap his shoulder âheyyyâ you said with a smile
âuh? helloâ he replied, looking confused
âis this seat free?â you signaled to the stool to his right
âyep. go for itâ he replied before turning around and going back to his drink.
did he not get the hint or was he just rejecting you?
âwhatcha drinking?â you asked, not giving up, but instead leaning on the table and conjuring up a smile you hoped looked charming.
âwhiskeyâ
âneat?â
âyeahâ
âthatâs strongâ
âiâm used to itâ
âŚwell this guy was pretty dry
âwhatâs your name?â you asked, leaning his way
âJonathan, why?â
okay, what is actually going on
âif youâre not interested you can just tell me you know?â you said, a bit annoyed
âwhat?â he replied, actually looking confused. âcause like- this girl was absolutely beautiful. goddess level beautiful.
âif youâre not interested in me you can just say soâ you repeated
âwait- youâre interested in me?â
âthatâs what iâm sayingâ
âwere you flirting with me?â
you frowned; you thought you had made your intentions very clear, touching him arm and smiling and even hitting him with the eyes a few times, and he didnât get the memo?
âyeah i am- wait- do you have a girlfriend?â you asked panicked. look, he was incredibly handsome, but you werenât about to become a homewrecker.
âno itâs just- youâre gorgeous, and i-â he said
âand you?â
âiâm- uh-â he stumbled. he wasnât gonna open up about his insecurities to a girl who just started flirting with him at the bar, would he?
âyouâre?â
âyouâre totally out of my leagueâ
âare you crazy?â
âlook iâm fat and kinda ugly and youâre-â
âare you saying fat men are ugly? thatâs not very nice of you to say, Jonathanâ you teased with a small grin
âno iâm- oh my lord.â he said, pinching the bridge of his nose.
âaccept it, youâre very handsomeâ you smiled.
and he actually blushed.
âyouâre stubbornâ
âyou are tooâ you shot back immediately
he grinned.
itâs safe to say you two talked the whole night.
again, experimenting with dialogue!! hope this made sense⌠but i think it made more sense in my head. anywayâŚ
reading this back itâs kinda shitty but whatever đ
in which: some nights, you get extremely paranoid. and tonight it just happened to be while sleeping at your boyfriendâs.
warnings: fem! reader, paranoid feeling at night, melatonin
it was four am and you were wide awake.
a noise in the kitchen, a regular tapping sound from somewhere inside the closet, the sounds from the street below, the creaking of the wooden floorboardsâŚ
every single little sound in schlattâs apartment made your breath hitch and heartbeat fasten.
you were restless. you felt like you were going crazy.
but you couldnât wake schlatt! you had only been dating for a couple months, you couldnât embarrass yourself like this! you really, really liked him, and you felt like you were getting somewhere.
so you thought that if you woke him up, heâd think you were childish, jumpy. câmon now, who wakes their partner of a couple of months at three am because they were feeling paranoid? itâd be like a child waking their parents because theyâre scared of the dark. no, no way. you were not stepping that low.
ââŚhoney?â you heard the man behind you say in a groggy voice.
well, shit.
âyeah?â you said, mustering up your best fake sleepy voice, which only led to a voice crack, making you blush furiously. what the fuck was that.
you felt him smile behind you and turned around, pointing a finger to his chest accusingly âsânot funnyâ you said, flustered
âyouâre wide awakeâ he replied
âbecause you woke me up?â you said, hoping he was too tired to catch your shitty excuse
âyour eyes are wide openâ
ââŚtheyâre always like thisâ
âno theyâre notâ
âyes they areâ
ânuh-huhâ
âyuh-huhâ
a moment of silence passed.
âyou havenât gotten a wink of sleep tonight, have you?â he asked despite already knowing the answer.
âyes i-â
âdonât lie to meâ he cut you off
ââŚno i havenâtâ
âwhy?â he said softly
âi donât know, i just canâtâ
âwhatâs bothering you?â
ââŚthe soundsâ
âthe sounds?â he repeated
âi just get a bit paranoid at night sometimesâ you admitted, embarrassed âiâm sorryâ
âdonât apologizeâ he said âyou want a melatonin? iâm sure i keep one of those gummy things aroundâŚâ he said, moving to look through his nightstand.
ââŚokayâ you said, sitting up and resting your chin on his shoulder, looking over it to his hands.
âuhhhh- hereâ he said, grabbing a bottle with red gummies and a yellow cap, turning it around. âadults, chew 2 gummies an hour before bedtime, blah blah blahâŚâ he read out before opening the bottle and fishing out two gummies.
âgive me sevenâ you muttered
âno can do. tag says to not exceed two dailyâ
âitâs just a stupid tagâ
âitâs my melatonin, youâre getting two gummies, no complaintsâ
you groaned, putting them on your mouth, tasting them and making your face scrunch up.
âchew âemâ
âthey donât taste like berries at allâ
âtoots.â
âwhat?â
âyou gotta chew âemâ
âfineâ you said, chewing them ââŚewâ
âtheyâre not so badâ
âtheyâre not good, eitherâ
âitâll help you sleepâ he said, putting the bottle back into his nightstand before his hands went over his shoulder to massage your scalp, making you relax immediately.
âmmm, you always do thisâ you hummed softly
âyou always meltâ he replied
âit just feels niceâ
âi knowâ
he turned around to lay back down, and you laid back down too.
âcâmereâ he said, opening his arms, inviting you to lay back against his warm chest. the offer was too good to resist, so you shimmied your way over and laid your head on his chest, under his chin.
his hand, of course, went up to continue playing with your hair.
and so, against all odds known to you, in a night where you wouldâve already given up and started doomscrolling your way until sunrise, you ended up falling into a deep sleep.
a/n: heavily inspired by my so-called âsleepâ tonight, except for the fact i was alone and fell asleep at 7am when it was already light out (i slept like 3 hours and immediately wrote this)
also iâve been playing around with dialogue, once again i hope it sounds natural
i wrote this in like 30 minutes, i hope itâs not that shitty
in which: after discovering youâd never celebrated what, according to him, is the best holiday, schlatt decides to show you what a ârealâ Christmas looks like
warnings: fem! reader, suggestive comment
title from Itâs the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (sung by the man himself)
it was november, and you were in a much needed grocery shopping trip with schlatt. as soon as you entered the supermarket you were hit with loud christmassy music and bright lights. you didnt really mind it, you just⌠didnât get it.
your family celebrated christmas- you gave out gifts and everything, but you didnât really get all the intensity surrounding the holiday- why would you need a 12-feet-tall inflatable reindeer that you use once and then itâs saved away and forgotten in the attic?
you knew schlattâs family was festive- you had seen it firsthand when visiting his parents. their Christmas tree was a proper pine, decorated with bright lights and glittery ornaments, along with all kinds of gifts wrapped in colorful paper with little winking Santas printed on them.
and of course, schlatt grew up loving Christmas. hell, his only album was a Christmas one, it was clear this was his favorite holiday.
back to the moment at hand, you were walking the aisles with schlatt, hand holding his arm, looking down at the shopping list
âwe need to get the gifts for your nephewsâ you reminded
making your way towards the toy aisle, you walked past all the Christmas trees that were set up and you absentmindedly remarked âiâve never had a Christmas tree beforeâ
schlatt froze in the middle of the hallway. you took a few steps before realizing, and stopped in your tracks, looking back at him, confused âare you alright?â you asked
âare you telling me youâve never had a christmas before?â
âi have celebrated a christmas, iâve gotten the gifts and stuffâ
ââŚbut no tree?â
ânopeâ
ââŚâ
âwhat?â
âthatâs unacceptableâ
he proceeded to make you pick out all kinds of tacky decorations that you two would put on his Christmas tree.
âis this a⌠mustard ornament?â you said with a frown
ââŚitâs kinda funnyâ
âitâs plain consumerismâ
while walking one of the many Christmas hallways (there were seriously like five of these. you truly still didnât get why) you saw one of those gingerbread houses building kits
âohh, that looks funâ you said
schlatt once again gave at you with that look that kind of mixed disappointment with pity.
âyouâve never built a gingerbread house.â
âno?â
âoh my god⌠this womanâ he grumbled while shaking his hand, putting three kits into the cart (for good measure, the more the merrier)
âisnât three a bit excessive?â you asked
ânopeâ he immediately shut you down
ââŚweâre two people. we canât eat three whole gingerbread housesâ
ââŚweâll give one to my parentsâ he said
âlike a macaroni drawing?â
âstop complaining, just let me show you how fun celebrating Christmas is!â he said in a pleading tone
âfineâ you replied, leaning against him ââŚsorryâ
âdont apologize, tootsâ he said, kissing the top of your head and pulling you close against his side.
two days later, he was holding you up, arms wrapped tight around your thighs, your left hand on his head for support
âjay iâm gonna fall-â you panicked
âiâve got you, love, just place the starâ he insisted.
you reached up to place the star on top of the tree and he stepped back with you still in his arms.
he set you down and moved to turn on the lights.
it was tacky and messy and looked like it would fall apart any minute, but it was so you.
âsooo?â he asked with that boyish grin he reserved for you
ââŚi guess i could get used to thatâ you replied.
âoh, you love itâ he teased
âitâs okay.â
âjust okay?â
âsolely okay.â
he looked at you with a raised eyebrow and a smug smirk
âwhat.â
ââŚyouâre such a big liar, sweetheartâ
âoh, fuck you!â
âplease doâ he said immediately, grinning
you went bright red immediately âshut up!â
he laughed hysterically.
a/n: okay so this is heavily inspired by me and how my family celebrate christmas- iâve always seen like âamericanâ christmases with trees and stuff and it looks so cool đ
also much more dialogue than i usually write, i really hope i was able to make it sound natural đ
schlattâs been away somewhere for a video (japan maybe?) and he like MISSES the fem! reader. like heâs a man thatâs been YEARNING FOR HER.
anyways he returns home late at night exhausted because his flight got delayed and heâs frustrated and angry and tired BUTTTT he goes upstairs, sees reader curled up under the blankets asleep because she fell asleep before he arrived
but itâs like all his anger melts away and itâs really domestic and heâs clingy and inlove and yada yada
i love ur writing so so so SOOO much!! hope u can provide!
making my way home to you
thank you so much!!! it makes me so happy that people like the silly little stuff i write, it absolutely warms my heart 𫶠also thank you for the inspo! iâm sorry for taking so long to get to the requests, iâm in exams season and have a very big exam in like two days (i know i asked for requests, but i have an absolutely horrible timing. oops). back to the request in hand, i hope this meets your expectations!!
in which: after weeks of being touched depraved, the world just seems against him
warnings: fem! reader, stressed and whiny jschlatt, accidental being mean to a service worker
schlatt was annoyed. ďżź
his flight out of tokyo was supposed to leave at 8:10 am to get to New York at 12:30 pm. he was planning to get a cab, open the front door of his home with the key from the potted plant, and be met with two plates of warm food on the counter, his cats lazying around, and you. he was supposed to hug you, sit for dinner, and then pass the fuck in his room, his bed, with his bedsheets, and most importantly, with his girlfriend in his arms. he hadnât seen you in weeks, he had missed the absolute hell out of you.
but of course, his perfect little glass bubble was cracked by the announcement at the airport.
âdid i hear the announcement right?â he asked, panicked, a little rougher than intended
âhello sir, what plane are you boarding?â the woman said calmly
âyes- hello, sorry, flight AA8403â
the woman typed something on her computer âyes sir, we came across a complication with the plane, and due to us prioritizing the safety of our crew and passengers there has been a fueling delayâ
he groaned internally ââŚokay, thank you maâamâ
he left defeated.
not half a minute later, your phone was ringing. you picked it up happily
âhey jay! you boarding already?â you asked, clearly happy.
âbabe, they delayed the planeâ he said in a defeated and extremely sad voice
âwhat?â
âthey forgot to pump gas on the plane or somethinâ and now i donât know when iâll get homeâ he said âiâm pissed. i miss youâ
âi miss you too, jayâ you replied âbut itâll just be a couple hours!â you added, trying to be optimistic âitâs not like thereâs still a week left, weâll see each other in no time!â
ââŚyeah, but still, this sucks. we were supposed to have dinner together.â he said
âitâll be okayâ you tried to reassure him âiâll put your plate in the fridgeâ
ââŚthanks sweetheartâ
âhey, cheer up. iâll be waiting for you ready to hug the hell outta youâ
âiâd like thatâ
his flight ended up being delayed for 8 hours. to say he was tired was an understatement.
he finally landed in new york at 00:30 am. he got out of the airport by 1, and then he took the one hour taxi ride home to upstate new york. of course, there just had to be construction or whatever in the highway, adding a half hour more to his trip. the world really was against him, wasnât it?
so here he was now, struggling with the keys at your front porch in the darkness of the night.
he finally got it, immediately took off his shoes, locked the door, and made his way straight to your guyâs room.
he saw the light was on, you mustâve not heard him.
but as he turned the corner, he saw you.
you were deep asleep, a book in your lap, curled up on the bed, neck craned at an angle that looked extremely uncomfortable, the harsh light illuminating your face.
he chuckled. of course, only you could fall asleep like this.
he put his suitcase down, gave jambo and soup a little pat (the cats didnât give a flying fuck he was back home after two weeks. seriously, who do they think they are??) and turned to you with a soft smile.
he got a knee on the bed and shook your shoulder softly.
âtoots, babyâ he said softly, with a grin.
your eyes opened slightly, focusing.
but when you saw him, all your exhaustion went away and you swung yourself into his arms with an overjoyed âJay!â
âhey sweetheart, iâm homeâ he said softly into your hair âmissed youâ
âi missed you tooâ
after a good minute of hugging, he pulled away.
you put the book in the bedside table and turned off the light.
he didnât ever bother to put his pajamas on. he took off his jeans and immediately got into bed, holding you to his chest.
and as much as he wanted to bask in your closeness after two weeksâŚ
he fell asleep.
he was exhausted, who could blame the man?
he was going to be stuck to your side the next few days either way.
a/n: okay! i think this was longer than usual. which in my opinion is very good!! this was so nice to write. hope you enjoy it, anon!!
Could you maybe do one where Schlatt gets married (like in secret, like he doesnât post about it anywhere and neither does anyone else) and then a couple of months later he gets into some twitter banter or something with someone and as a comeback Schlatt just posts a picture of him and his wife. Idk if this makes any sense Iâm lowk too tired to think rn.
But like itâd be so dramatic because suddenly everyone is like omg whoâs his wife, etc etc yk? I just want the â¨drama and gossip⨠of people finding out and everyone going crazy
đˇ
love of my life, never apart
ahhhh tysmmm đŤśđŤśđŤś first request kinda nervous! hope this meets your expectations đˇanon :3 i got this request yesterday and was way too excited to procrastinate đ
in which: after careful deliberation (and your explicit permission), schlatt decides to make his fans flip out
warnings: fem! reader, plans of children, hate, mentions of what happened in â99
schlatt and you had gotten married around five months ago. it was a small, cozy, intimate wedding, consisting of close friends and family. your maids of honor were your best friends and schlattâs best man was ted (rip).
the main rule of your wedding was simple: no posts where he could be recognized. donât get him wrong, the man was well proud of âwifing you upâ, but he was private! and he wanted to enjoy his privacy with you.
seeing you walk down the aisle changed his brain chemistry. the guy had had dreams about this. sleepless nights where you were cuddled up at his side and he couldnât sleep, all he could think about was you walking down the aisle in a beautiful wedding dress towards him. about exchanging rings and vows. about living a life together, and having children.
it was all coming true in that very moment. well- not the children part, not yet, as you two wanted to enjoy some time as a childless couple, but sometime soon.
back to the present- you had been married for five months already! five incredible months where heâd woken up to you every morning and fallen asleep beside you every night (not that he didnât before, youâve lived together for a while already, but now he woke up beside his wife!)
now, schlatt was stuck on a dilemma.
on one hand, he absolutely loved your little private world, none of his fans knowing about you and your relationship, him keeping you away from the internetâs prying eyes and all to himself
on the other hand though⌠he wanted to show you off so bad. just wanted to yell âI HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WIFEâ from the rooftops
so he was stuck.
until he realized; he could show the ring on what was clearly a womanâs hand, along with a ring on his own, and he could keep your face hidden!
he got the perfect opportunity⌠when ted died.
@/TedNivison: i lived bitch
@/jschlatt: It's almost like he's still here with us. RIP man đ°đ°
@/TedNivison: shut the fuck up
ah, so thatâs how it is? he paid respects for his dead best friend and he got cussed out? thatâs unfair.
but⌠a great opportunity.
and so he made his way from his office to your shared bedroom with a grin. when he came in, he was met with the sight of you on your phone petting jambo softly.
he extended his hand
âhuh?â
âgimme your left hand?â
as you raised your hand (and moved it away from jambo, who looked clearly annoyed at the interruption) he held it and snapped a quick picture.
âthanks tootsâ he said, kissing your forehead before going back into his office.
you smiled and shook your head fondly, your hand going back to pet jambo
@/jschlatt: the wife is sending you hugs to heaven
[1 image attached]
@/TedNivison: hello mrs schlatt, i am alive and well, thank you for the hugs
âŚ
and so the fandom went immediately crazy.
some were in disbelief
âWHO IS SHEâ
âOH MY LAWDâ
âdoes she know about what happened in â99â
âIS THIS REALâ
others were⌠well, just straight up mean. this was the internet after all
âpoor girlâ
âi bet sheâs just with him for the moneyâ
now how the hell did that happen
well, he knew this was a risk, and he took it.
plus, he got to prove to the internet that he is lovable, contrary to popular belief.
but he still doesnât know how he of all people, bagged you. i mean, youâre a literal goddess!
a/n: alright is this to wattpad-y?? be honest.
i hope you liked it đˇanon! this request stuff is kinda fun
in which: schlatt discovers the beach isnât that bad
⨠Donât you wanna go to the seaside?
a little part 2 to low tides, this time in florida
⨠go to sleep, youâll wake up beside me
in which: schlatt, by falling asleep in the most unconventional places ever, may unconciously cause permanent damage to his neck. so you decide to help him out
⨠his favorite pillow (baby, youâre crushing my bones)
in which: schlattâs favorite relaxing activity is crushing your bones
⨠love of my life, never apart đˇ
in which: to mess with the internet (and brag about his wife) schlatt publicly sends your condolences to ted
⨠making my way home to you
in which: he is way more annoyed at having to wait even longer to see you than he is at his flight being delayed
⨠đitâs the most wonderful time of the year
in which: after discovering you never really celebrated Christmas, he goes all out
⨠paranoid
in which: you get paranoid at your boyfriendâs apartment
⨠âhey handsomeâ
in which: schlatt is insecure about his body and cannot comprehend how youâre flirting with him
⨠keep your brain from falling off
in which: schlatt tries to keep teacher! readerâs brain from melting off due to her studentsâ brainrot
his favorite pillow (baby, youâre crushing my bones)
tired schlatt who relaxes by testing your lung capacity, by laying on top of you
warnings: fem! reader
one of schlattâs ways of showing love was⌠interesting, to say the least.
look, schlatt was a big guy, everybody knew this. towering over 6â3, the man was well over average height. it made him look intimidating; tall, broad, gruff attitude, kind of an asshole if you didnât know him, but heâs such a sweet guy, really!
and he loved you to bits. you had been dating for a bit over a year now, you moved in together recently, and you noticed that for schlatt, there wasnât anything more relaxing than crushing you after a long day.
literally.
you would be laying on the couch, reading a book or scrolling through your phone, when the brunette would literally materialize out of nowhere and proceed to wordlessly plop his whole 200 pound body over yours, squeezing all the air out of your lungs.
âoof-â you breathed out at the added weight.
he just groaned, mumbling something into your chest. of course, all you could hear were âmmphââs, along with the soft vibration of his words against your chest
âwhat?â
he moved his head so that he could talk
âthese are way comfier than a pillow, sweetheartâ he muttered, pressing a kiss to your collarbone
âyeah?â you asked softly, your hand going to his hair instinctively
he nodded, dropping his head back down to rest on your chest.
a few minutes passed in silence, where he just relaxed completely under your soft touch on his brown locks.
you absolutely loved playing with his hair, touching his soft curls, running your hands through them and making small braids then undoing them.
and you know he loves having his hair fiddled with.
âlong day?â you asked softly
âway too longâ he replied
âwanna talk about it?â
ââŚnot yetâ he answered âbut at this point, youâre the only thing keeping me saneâ
âwhat about jambo and soup?â you joked, looking up at the two cute cats perched on their tree, lounging lazily
âokay, maybe those little bastards tooâ
you smiled softly. despite him crushing your bones, he felt like a big, warm, weighted blanketâ perhaps one a bit too heavy, god knows if you would wake up if you fell asleep this way â but a weighted blanket nonetheless.
âtakeout?â you offered
âcan we order from that ramen place?â
âohh, good ideaâ
a/n: i feel like schlatt would be so cuddly when heâs tired. all his defenses go down and he just craves physical touch and he melts when he gets it. like honestly- think about it. IM NOT (THAT) CRAZY
also iâm a sucker for like- physical contact in areas that would usually be seen as sexual but in a domestic setting. am i making sense? i hope i am. i might not be.
iâm also a sucker for just domesticity in general. i think itâs pretty obvious anyway
