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spam account,, mainly shitposts/ reblogs

[makaronibowl]

BLOG INTRO

yumeshipper -

Venom snake - metal gear solid - sharing

Vladimir Makarov - call of duty og & reboot - voidsharing

fictionkins -

John marston - red dead redemption

Kazuhira miller - metal gear solid

Doubles dni for both

Sideblog for non art stuff

Tags -

#ventings (nothing very serious like sh/eds ,, just me being sad over things because I'm sensitive)

#rambling (any dumb thoughts I have,, ranges from me being angry over something or me saying something that makes zero sense)

[makaronibowl]

This might be long but ughhhfhggy I'm having so much confusion over one of the things my therapist "diagnosed" me with

So I told her about everything with my brain and how I feel at sometimes especially in stressful situations it's like I'm spectating my own body and such,, she said it could be DID and she'd test me on it.

We did the testing and she said the only thing I have that makes it so I can't get a proper diagnosis is my memory loss being different (I still have it but it's more because of my other disorders and not this thing specifically) but everything else is the exact match for a diagnosis

I'm just not sure what to do?? Do I call myself a system?? She had me label my alters and such and she kept using terms people use for DID on me and she said my treatment has to be the same treatment for people with DID plus she's going to help me get rid of said alters (which I know is very controversial in the community idk why ?? Having other people control my actions is incredibly distressing to me so I feel like it makes sense .. it's more confusing that people want to keep their alters but people can do what they want)

I don't want to disrespect people but I was also told that I basically have DID its just my memory loss fucks up my diagnosis. It's hard for me to think that my memory loss would be caused by that, as my other disorders like ADHD and ptsd can cause it and when I do switch I just feel like I'm watching someone else do it and so I have like a duplicate memory(?) of their perspective and my own but I tend to forget the one that isn't my own

Maybe it's just because I'm very scared of having alters so I push away anything that could be a sign of my body not being fully in my control ,, I have a really big fear of having DID and one of my alters going rouge it's isut SGRHFHGH

But my therapist had me classify my alters and we came to the conclusion that the other host(? I forgot the damn term but he's like frequently in front I guess) is Kaz because it's literally. A replica of Kaz like that's the same person and the other one who's less frequent and only fronts when I'm in distress and can't handle something (I commonly forget after that but I have one memory of it) is more. Close to big boss I guess??? Not an exact copy but it was just easier to call him that . It's weird to be told I can't be diagnosed with DID but I also have to use the terms and name my alters and such . Like wouldn't it be easier to just say I have it?? Idk it's really confusing to me

In the end I'm much more comfortable with just saying I'm a fiction kin. I've seen a lot of systems say fictionkins are disrespectful but idk that label is much more comfortable for me even if it's kinda wrong for Kaz because my therapist said he's an alter but AGRHFH I'm just so uncomfortable with saying i have alters and DID.. I don't want to sound disrespectful but I'm so scared and horrified about my body not being in my control so it's just much easier to act as if these others are just me being weird and not other people

[makaronibowl]

Sigh I wish my bb headcannons weren't so focused on mental issues and the occasional self harm otherwise I would post them but I also don't want to subject people to reading that stuff ... Um. I do have one fic on ao3 based on those however.

[makaronibowl]

I found old art recently

I'm. Oh my god . 😭

[makaronibowl]

Okay trust I'm drawing something for my main account... Just trust

[makaronibowl]

I can really tell how sometimes people think I don't understand nonsharing yumeshippers just cause I'm sharing with V 😭💔..

[makaronibowl]

I can't do much self indulgent stuff because staring at V makes me so flustered

[makaronibowl]

I'm very close to making my own mmd model of myself for extra accurate selfship slop

[ellypse]

all we are is bullets

[bidonicart]

Finally posting my vquiet zine/mini comic!

Complementary fic here

Printable PDF here

[cal-the-otter]

Otter character sheet WIP for my Otter x Ocelot shenanigans.. why can't I just draw faster please I need to get to Ocelotter now😞butineedafinish this sheet first.. have to make OC details too

[makaronibowl]

I had a dream about V and now I'm yearning sigh

[makaronibowl]

I really love venom snake luek so much

look at that chubby face . Omg.

[makaronibowl]

Why are Tumblr ads so long

[makaronibowl]

Why my barber not gaf that I have a sensitive head ITS BEEN HOURS AND MT HEAD IS STILL HURTING FROM HOW SHE WAS PULLING IT

[makaronibowl]

My legs hurt💔 except it's where your thighs connect to your hips OWIEEE USDHDJSHGKG I can't bend my legs or do anything with them without them hurting

[makaronibowl]

With how I am I feel like sometimes it's necessary to disclose that I'm heavily isolated and genuinely don't understand people or any form of social interaction cause I don't want moots or other people to get scared or uncomfortable because of how I am but also I don't want people to think I'm like trauma dumping or sympathy baiting because it's "unnecessary info" .. I feel like it's a little necessary because I tend to be very blunt and awkward when actually talking with someone and I ramble a ton if provoked and idk I just don't want. People to think I'm a weirdo on purpose