This might be long but ughhhfhggy I'm having so much confusion over one of the things my therapist "diagnosed" me with
So I told her about everything with my brain and how I feel at sometimes especially in stressful situations it's like I'm spectating my own body and such,, she said it could be DID and she'd test me on it.
We did the testing and she said the only thing I have that makes it so I can't get a proper diagnosis is my memory loss being different (I still have it but it's more because of my other disorders and not this thing specifically) but everything else is the exact match for a diagnosis
I'm just not sure what to do?? Do I call myself a system?? She had me label my alters and such and she kept using terms people use for DID on me and she said my treatment has to be the same treatment for people with DID plus she's going to help me get rid of said alters (which I know is very controversial in the community idk why ?? Having other people control my actions is incredibly distressing to me so I feel like it makes sense .. it's more confusing that people want to keep their alters but people can do what they want)
I don't want to disrespect people but I was also told that I basically have DID its just my memory loss fucks up my diagnosis. It's hard for me to think that my memory loss would be caused by that, as my other disorders like ADHD and ptsd can cause it and when I do switch I just feel like I'm watching someone else do it and so I have like a duplicate memory(?) of their perspective and my own but I tend to forget the one that isn't my own
Maybe it's just because I'm very scared of having alters so I push away anything that could be a sign of my body not being fully in my control ,, I have a really big fear of having DID and one of my alters going rouge it's isut SGRHFHGH
But my therapist had me classify my alters and we came to the conclusion that the other host(? I forgot the damn term but he's like frequently in front I guess) is Kaz because it's literally. A replica of Kaz like that's the same person and the other one who's less frequent and only fronts when I'm in distress and can't handle something (I commonly forget after that but I have one memory of it) is more. Close to big boss I guess??? Not an exact copy but it was just easier to call him that . It's weird to be told I can't be diagnosed with DID but I also have to use the terms and name my alters and such . Like wouldn't it be easier to just say I have it?? Idk it's really confusing to me
In the end I'm much more comfortable with just saying I'm a fiction kin. I've seen a lot of systems say fictionkins are disrespectful but idk that label is much more comfortable for me even if it's kinda wrong for Kaz because my therapist said he's an alter but AGRHFH I'm just so uncomfortable with saying i have alters and DID.. I don't want to sound disrespectful but I'm so scared and horrified about my body not being in my control so it's just much easier to act as if these others are just me being weird and not other people
