Been off tumblr for a while BUT i need to talk about this year and no one follows me on here anyway
Since I was about 10 or 11 all I’ve wanted was to live in new york city. Last year, I did it. I got a job on the upper east side. I moved as far into queens as I could afford. I took the subway every day and ran for buses and walked the city streets. And it was exhausting. Not the physical part of it, but mentally, emotionally. I passed homeless people 10 times a day asking for money. I gave a couple food (granola bars/poptarts) and they got mad at me. I met men who were rude and treated me like trash. Every person I met had no interest in developing a friendship, but use each other for whatever we could. Everything in the city was transactional. People date so they can live together and bring down their rent. People become friends with someone because they have a car, or live closer to the subway, or have connections. Nothing was organic. Everything was about getting money and getting ahead. I knew the city was about the hustle, but, I didn’t know the hustle was done in such a negative way. And I felt myself becoming part of it.
I had a job that was perfect for me. An academic advising job working with student athletes. I was supposed to create programs and support students and help them figure out what to do with their lives and how to achieve their dreams. But, because of some bullshit drama that happened before I got there and was not my fault, my dream job became a nightmare. The person who was in charge of me acted like she was trying to get me to quit since the day I got there. People were shady, lied, and hiding things. I wasn’t able to trust any of my coworkers or supervisors. I spent the entire day in a basement and was given shit for taking a lunch break that was granted to me legally by my union. The only shining spot was my students. And as much as I loved them, it wasn’t enough. I was great at my job, but being treated like garbage and being afraid to do anything to better the students lives was not why I got into my field.
So I left. I left my dream job in my dream city because everything sucked, and I was lonely. I spent a lot of time wishing I wasn’t alive. I spent a lot of time regretting a lot of decisions. Having fun and going out was overshadowed by being afraid of people on the streets and being yelled at by strangers. So now I’m back in my hometown, with people I know and I job I’m familiar with. And I know it looks bad to go backwards, but I needed to reset myself. I was becoming jaded, miserable, angry, and was using people, and that’s not me. I’m not the type of person to fake friendships for my own benefit or to only offer help if there was something in it for me. And I don’t want to become that person.
Although I’m happy I left and had the experience, I wish it didn’t have to be made so negative as it was. I wish the people surrounding me in the city were more well intentioned. I wish I could’ve made them listen to my ideas for bettering my students’ lives. I wish nyc culture wasn’t to be an asshole to everyone for no reason.
But overall, I guess the moral of the story is to not hold on to your dreams too tightly. I didn’t want to admit how miserable I was because I was living my dream life on paper, and I didn’t want to say I was wrong. But realizing that dreams can take a turn for the worse was important for me and getting out of the situation was my priority, not keeping up appearances. I’ve been back for less than 2 days and I already feel better than I have in a year. I never found a home in nyc the way I’ve found it here over and over.
The one main thing that I’m happy about this year was learning how down my friends are for me. I was always offered a bed to sleep in and ride from the train when I came to visit. My calls were always answered and plans were always made with my friends from home. And for that I am extremely grateful. When I told people I was coming back, at least 10 people offered to help me move. I never found a single person in the city that was even close to being a real friend to me the way at least 30 people hear have been. Even those I’ve only known for a few months, have been better to me than city people I’ve known for a year.
This year taught me a lot, but I’m ready to be back home and spend time with people who love me in a place I feel truly at home and at peace.
areudirty
yousharknotpass
prguitarman
turnnoffyourmind
blakekathryn
germansingergirl
theartofmadeline
stormborns
