Are you there at all?
I have John Lennon playing in the background as I try and type out where I am right now. I want to say--where I am in my head--but recent news has told me there is little room for me to wander in there right now. I waiver between deep sadness and fear. Then I just feel that all familiar shadow of removal. It starts like a shadow over your feet and wraps you up into it slowly from your feet, to your legs, to your torso--while it wraps the shadow of disassociation I can pull away and realize it is not happening to me. It is happening to the shell wrapped in that dark shadow. But like smoke or a shadow it has no hold, no real physical strength and it cannot hold for long so I waft in and out of fear, sadness and “how sad for the women enveloped in shadows”. This is as far as I can even put it into words. I have been trying to stay very busy outside of my head; physical activity--if you know me at all--you know that is where I have been burying my thoughts. The symptoms of my tumor make me tired and confused so it is hard to remain focused on a task and it has been this way for a few years now --realizing this is why is such a betrayal to my own self. “A what IS DOING THIS!?! I thought I was going mad! I thought I was going blind!”
However, when I stop and sit--I cannot run away from the flooding thoughts. They race in circles and stab my brain with precision into what I am most afraid of. I can’t go. I am not done. I have 4 children who need me. I have no imaginary faith in an imaginary force which would somehow take grace upon me and offer me solace when my reality is nothing compared to the turmoil of others. I've always known this. Usually, at some point , I am glad I am the one going through it because my shoulders can bear the weight. I don’t want to do this one. Strawberry Fields is playing now. Nothing is real--nothing to get hung about. Really. John? Did you feel that way as the bullet took your life and your message was lost for the world? I think if he could look back he would reconsider some of his words. All I am doing is --reconsidering my world and my words. Here Comes the Sun.......I am waiting.
