Whole and Moving Forward

Sean, 20, Male, Gamer, Archer, Mecha-Lover, Fan of the Itano Circus. Critical, sadistic, impatient and way too lazy for working society.

[malaberryism]

I 8 years ago, we met. And from friends, we’ve stayed as friends. Unusually I knew when you’d ever try to kill yourself. It was always at rapping at the back of my mind. One day I’d wake up to feel that something was off,

That if you succeeded, I wouldn’t have known.

Maybe never.

But a day ago we met again and this memo here is to say that... Damned... I’ve waited 8 years to taste your lips. And the fact that it’s now stained with cigarettes, nicotine and 3 cups of whiskey... I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

And I know we would never get together.

Because your eyes said home but you were a nomad.

We stared closely at one another and I saw... A hint of love and emotion for me.

That’s not what you wanted.

Because you’re still bleeding inside.

I guess it took me a long time to get over you and when I did...

I just had to make the first move to those articulate lips of yours didn’t I?

[malaberryism]

Sometimes I wonder how much of me you’ve brought along when you left.

But I understood that adventurers don’t bring luggages on backpacking trips.

[malaberryism]

I’ve waited as the moon cycles.

As the shadows of the dials stretch day-in-and-out.

You told me forever and then told me sorry.

The dials say that time’s passed since the moment you left.

But my eyes have always been on the dials.

They don’t move.

They only show that I’ve been left behind.

[malaberryism]

Perhaps I chose wrongly.

That the girl that I sought to find about, to wonder about, to try to fit with shouldn’t have been you.

That I should’ve tried harder on the person that was terrifyingly hard to get, someone that didn’t speak like I did, someone that didn’t like the things I did.

That the sunflowers you loved would never have been a trigger for hate.

That the games I used to play would never have been kept away.

I should’ve put in more time to someone else except I wasted my time on you, being treated like an option.

Lies and deceit, you never did change.

You just acquired more excuses.

[malaberryism]

I’m not afraid of you leaving, I’m just afraid of the ones who stay now.

Because I’m not sure what I’d do to them, with them.

I’d probably end up being the one leaving.

[malaberryism]

You want to move forward but you always come back, You want to reach dreams high up in the sky but they pull you back. You finally took a few steps up so people can remember you and your brief grin of hope.

But you hide the noose far from their sights so that if you come back down, there will be no way out.

[malaberryism]

Pushover

I’m wounded, gasping for air.

Let me lie down here without a care. The world tells me I’m wasting my time.

While I tell them my melancholy is not a crime.

I’m crawling, raising my head.

Let me open my eyes and look ahead. The world tells me I’m too slow, that I’m late.

While I tell them their advice is just great.

I’m walking, spreading my wings.

Even prancing as the seagulls sing. The world tells me that I’m not busy, I must be idle.

While I tell them Donald Trump is their idol.

They have cut my wings, my limbs, my soul.

Not a worry, trample on my toes. The world tells me that I’m a pushover.

While they continue pushing... me over.

[malaberryism]

I came close to getting myself killed yesterday, if only the car came a little faster and I was a little more reckless.

[malaberryism]

Fantasy and adventure, with the likes of the Aurora Borealis and of stargazing on the steppes of nomad mountains in Mongolia.

It takes a step, a commitment, an understanding that you can leave everything and anything behind should you choose to do so.

That the universe spans forever and the worlds’ borders, corporate bureaucracy and red tape should never ever hold you back.

With the same amount of determination to stay in one place, why can’t I have the same amount to leave and never look back?

We put the things we remember and loved with the highest regards, knowing that they once used to scar and scare, rip and tear.

And now, we think they’re of beauty forgotten, a mere silhouette of what had been vibrant and warm.

I can leave... Can’t I?

I can be better than the times I wished for death.

I can be better than the times I inflict injuries worse than death itself.

[malaberryism]

Tonight I will binge on coffee till my eyes are bloodshot. Tonight the nightmares will be gone, replaced by the immense fatigue that a caffeine crash entails. Tonight I will have my peace again, in the drugs I believe in and in the impulses that lead my life on a tight leash. Tonight, I will be okay... Again... And Over again.

[malaberryism]

Near-death Sensory Overload

I felt more alive today than ever when almost meeting my end. And I guess it's true. Life is a lot more colourful in your final moments.

[malaberryism]

Everyday...

Separated by nine hours, Breathing in the colours of the wind Invaded by smog and haze. Laying pebbles down by the Beach. Hoping that everyday, The sea brings in memories And adventures from another Piece of life. Of one as riveting as ours. Glass bottles broken at the neck, Anklet chains and boring stones That shoned at closer inspection. I have gathered this stash of trash, In a quiet, quaint corner of the beach. Hoping that one day, everyday, Others with the love like ours will build this little treasure of loss. As a memorial to life's barriers to happiness.

[malaberryism]

I travel to the places you used to frequent just to chance upon the vestiges of our relationship. That if our eyes met Once more. That mine would well up in anger Sadness and of sanctuary. To hammer in the final nail to our constricting carress of a coffin. I want to find someone else and love her just as I loved you but not when you linger in the attic as a kid's forgotten toy box would. Some would tell me to burn it, but I don't want to evict this ghost of you. I want you to leave with the same wishes I have for myself. Please... Go away.

[malaberryism]

I understand the bruises inflicted on me. That were they to be left alone, they would heal. But I can't afford waiting along with this ever-fleeting life. So I will press on bruises and cry tears that will dry by dusk's arrival.

[malaberryism]

I Have Seen Candles Twice As Bright.

Take your time with me. For the flames of your last, lost love have not been doused. I know how they burn and if you are compelled to have me enter, your fire will burn twice as much and thrice as bright. But surely, such a fire will use up both me and you in the forced inferno of carnal desire. Don't have me wrong, the stars in your eyes speak a lot. But the only star you sought had just left you and the fuel you burned for your broken heart had only just run out. Simply put, you're a drifting ship in the black sea of space and desperately would you rummage the next ship that comes along, to fill you up and get along with your own way. I have seen how candles slowly melt. And the candle that burns twice as bright, is not.

[0kono]

“She’s a prodigy and everyone adores her. My father says she was born lucky. He says I was lucky to be born.”

Azula and Zuko relationship? Maybe. And I did make both Weiss and Winter younger. Ignore how bad it is, I’ll do something better later.

[malaberryism]

I guess having seen the distance between the eighth floor and the ground and contemplating jumping has put me at a spot where I felt alone and would almost immediately jump onto the arms of another who seemed interested enough to want to talk me out of death or someone that coincidentally ‘saved’ me out of such a situation.

You could say that it’s a sort of damsel in distress syndrome.

But I’m male and the idea of suicide in any case puts me at a situation where society calls me a coward and a fool for not having the ability of a white knight, whose sword is as dull as the mind that put me up to the act of almost climbing over that railing.

The funny thing is that my emotions are not dulled and my eyes have not lost their shine yet as with many others that continue life with such unsatisfaction in their hearts.

I came back because I was a coward, I didn’t die because I was afraid to die not because I was strong enough to want to continue life.

I just did not have the ability to let go as with many other things in life.

They say all a person needs in life is a little push.

Had someone else been there to push me...

Dear God, would I have happily dragged him down with me.

With the widest grin on my face.