MOGMAXXERS OF THE WORLD!
Following our ill-starred foray into the Assisted Dying business, we here at Xanaduum have pivoted swiftly to exploit the denizens of the manosphere with a range of new wellness solutions guaranteed to turn out ‘high value’ young men!
Here’s the promo:
20th Century Boy (2012 Remaster)
Let’s face it lads, girls think you’re ugly and boring as fuck! And who can blame them? Look at you, standing there with your mouth flapping open and stupidity falling out like doughnut crumbs. You’re a disgrace, son! Luckily, help is on the way and by following our competitively priced 400-step program, you’ll be chadmaxxing with the best of them in no seconds flat!
In today’s cutthroat date-o-drome where appearance is everything and 99% of the women date 0.00001% of the men, if you want to get yourself in that miniscule fraction who get to deepsplash around in the gene pool, a firm jaw is essential and the firmer the better. Been there, done that with painful BIMAX surgery? Then try Xanaduum’s XXXtreme ultra-hurty UMAX procedure! Ideally, you want to feel as if maxilla and mandible have been wired shut and extended like an open drawer.
The aim is a strictly regimental facial posture with optimum 4cm mandibular juttage. Even one millimetre over or shy is a sure-fire way to crash and burn on that all-important ascension night! If you want to get those precise measurements as accurate as scientific progress can manage, Xanaduum offers the celebrated ‘facial odometer’ - a tiny surveyor’s wheel precisely calibrated to calculate your jut strength using hylauronic atomic computer energy! Only $600!
Is that really too high a price to pay for guaranteed CHUDhood’s End? Can’t afford it? Your parents have money, don’t they? Right? What do they need it for now they’re old? Stacy loves a bad boy, that’s all we’re saying.
But crime, although habit-forming, isn’t the only way to raise that limp SMV and spawn a slayer, when you can follow some of today’s celebrity moggmaxxers like JackbuttsDouble-Oh-Sex down the natty path less taken with a variety of exercises designed to purge the ugly from your life!
Hooting is one way to achieve this new sharp look men admire and women go wet for. Hooting is when you form your lips into the shape of an owl’s beak while expanding your eyes to resemble dinner plates – a procedure which also helps you create the sought-after ‘Adam’s Orchard’ effect of multiple Adam’s Apples that drives Stacy crazy!
For more dedicated hardmoggmaxx warriors we offer ‘brainsmashhhing’ a controversial practise from the ‘skullmaxxing’ scene, which involves the use of a mallet, bradawls, pliers, and staple guns to alter the shape and scope of the human head. Ignore our timid competitors! Here at Xanaduum, you can trust us to cater without conscience or concern to vulnerable self-mutilators!
Don’t listen to anyone who tells you this procedure isn’t perfectly safe. They may be right, but don’t listen. Medical science can work wonders these days, even if things go badly wrong in the bone-softening phase and you’re left with a head like a pillowcase! The technique is simple, painless and quick and involves teasing the brain safely down through the nostrils with a special hooked instrument known as a ‘hook’. On request, and for a modest extra charge, the nose itself can be gently smashed off to more easily excerebrate the brain tissue. Slugs and strings of grey matter removed by this action are then carefully glued back together again and preserved in commemorative canopic jars where they will undergo deep cleansing with cider vinegar and remain completely safe from decay while you party!
You might think brainsmashhhing isn’t for you but take from us, nothing works faster, if it’s a sex life you’re lacking. Stacy goes wild for the kind of hollow skull she can drum upon to produce the kind of authentic ‘coconut’ sound that will remind both you and your date of tropical honeymoons and cuba libres. Or how about a hot make out session where a sexy open-mouthed kiss lets her play your head like a wind instrument?
But why stop there?! What are you, some kind of cuck-chuck-chicken? A course of organ extractions is an inexpensive and effective way of decelerating or even preventing the kind of bodily decomposition that can make dating fraught with anxiety! Stacies are born with lovely retroussé noses which they’ve evolved over millennia to be able to detect the process of proteolysis, during which molecules of hydrogen sulphide, ammonia and methane are released by putrefaction. Early identification of the tell-tale odours of putrescine and cadaverine by your date are likely to lead to disappointment, making full organ removal the ideal solution.
Fearless moggmaxxers, like Wisconsin’s Frontalobey, usually start out with minor organ removals and a full hardmaxx dessication with natron, before a daily scouring of the brainpan using bleach.
With organs comfortably removed, embalmed, and sealed in their jars, it’s time to hit the gym!
At Xanaduum, we believe chads are born to fight in cages. And as our motto asserts, the smaller the cage, the bigger the man. The closer the brawlers, the more blood, sweat, and rage tears they can exchange. The intimate violence of close proximity combat lies within your grasp on our vastly expensive but worth it cagefighting course!
Haven’t you ever dreamed of defeating a savage Korean kickboxer up close and personal in a wiremesh cage designed for hamsters? No problem! Every movement counts in a brawl like that, and we’ll teach you how to hold your own against vicious opponents in ever smaller, more confined spaces, including veterinary crush cages, with adjustable sides. We’ll even organise underground budgie cage death matches for a few extra dollars. Andrew Tate lost the use of his chin during such a battle, so make no mistake, this is for real men only! Men made of meat and mayhem! You unreal men can go back to haunting the X-Files or SCP, or whoever it is you usually fight.
Moggmaxx your way to ultralife with Xanaduum! You KNOW it makes no sense - you just have to go along with it!
-- Grant Morrison Xanaduum Newsletter 6/21/26
