...

I am modeling my life and myself after Kaneki Ken of "Tokyo Ghoul." ****WARNING**** NSFW and should not be viewed by anyone.

[themindmovement]

People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character.

Ralph Waldo Emerson  (via themindmovement)

[malformedmetamorphosis]

Hi ! I like you !

[malformedmetamorphosis]

a warning

James 5:1-6 

Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming on you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look! The wages you failed to pay the workers who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter. 

You have condemned and murdered the innocent one, 

who was not opposing you.

[malformedmetamorphosis]

if I  let them put their filth inside me

I am the one who is disgusting 

[drunk-on-books]

All round is stony solitude. The pallid flowers of death do shudder. On graves that mourn within the gloom. Yet all this mourning knows no pain.

Georg Trakl (via drunk-on-books)

[malformedmetamorphosis]

Manic feelings. Obsessive thoughts going in circles. Donuts waiting on top of the fridge. Disgusting. Horrible. Chalky texture covered in sickly sweet slime. Horrible. I want to eat them to destroy them and puke them up after. More than that, I just want the satisfaction of violently expelling everything from my stomach. I wont. Today, I am ten days purge free, even longer binge free. Still, they are sitting there and staring at me with contempt. Mindless lumps of waste. Horrible little cakes of pain and regret. No thanks. It's not a treat to me. They aren't for me. Still, I pity the ones who will eat them, nutritional thieves, robbing their bodies. Despicable. No thanks, it's not for me.

[metaphorformetaphor]

And so you cannot learn to love; nor can you learn to die. And you cannot learn the elusive – the non-existent, though keenly desired – art of avoiding their grip and keeping out of their way. Love and death will strike, come their time; only you have no inkling when that time is. Whenever it comes, it will take you unawares. Into your daily preoccupations, love and death will rise ab nihilo – out of nothingness. We are all likely, of course, to lean over backwards to become wise after the fact; we will try to trace back the antecedents, deploy the foolproof principle of apost hoc surely being the propter hoc, try to map a ‘making sense’ lineage of the event, and more often than not we will succeed. We need such success for the spiritual comfort it brings: it resurrects, even if in a roundabout way, the faith in the regularity of the world and the predictability of events, indispensable for sanity. It also conjures up an illusion of wisdom gained,[…]

Zygmunt Bauman, from “Falling In and Out of Love,”

Liquid Love: On the Frailty of Human Bonds

(Polity Press, 2003)

[idontlikedicktionaries]

REBLOG IF ITS OKAY TO TALK TO YOU.

[malformedmetamorphosis]

I am excited today. Nervous too. I planned to eat something small December 01-03, but now that December is really here, I don't want to spoil it with eating anything. I haven't had a bite, or any type of caloric intake since 1PM on November 30, it's December 01 now. It wouldn't be such a terrible thing to have something. I have a Soylent blend ready in the fridge, if I feel desperate to have something, but still, I am afraid even of that. What will happen to my mind if I give in to hunger? What will I become? A monster, I think. That's what I am afraid of. Greedy, gluttonous, selfish, impulsive, savage, and hungry. I don't want to lose myself. I am happy as I am. I want to be free from those base feelings. I want to rise above it. I don't feel that I am better than anyone, and I don't want to. I don't see others as being evil for their appetites, only myself. I see myself as less than others and that is why I have to struggle even to reach an equal status.

[drunk-on-books]

I do not have easy days at home now and I drift between fear and helplessness in sunny rooms where it is unspeakably cold. Strange shudders of transformation, bodily experienced to the point of vulnerability, visions of mysteries until the certainty of having died, ecstasies to the point of stony petrifaction, and a continuation of dreaming sad dreams.

Georg Trakl (via drunk-on-books)

[malformedmetamorphosis]

Please Read

I have limited access to tumblr and very little ability to make edits to my profile, use the messenger, or apps etc. I don't intend to be taken seriously nor do I recommend anyone to attempt anything I might write here. Please let me know if there are certain tags I can add to my content to prevent triggering material from being seen by anyone who might be hurt by it. This blog is full of triggering and bad content. 

[adrasteiax]

(…) what happened (to Kafka) is the same as what happened to me: he withdrew he went too far into solitude and knew — he must’ve known — you never come back from there

Alejandra Pizarnik, from Psychopathology Ward in “Extracting The Stone Of Madness: Poems”

[translated by Yvette Siegert] 

(via kafkaesque-world)

[malformedmetamorphosis]

Disclaimer! This is my personal experience and not meant to be a guide or example for others. Please do not do this.

Typing on the notepad and pasting later to tumblr and maybe other places.

Learning to be like Kaneki in all the right ways and what I have learned about him through real life imitation.

Starving gives me a lot of free time and a need for occupation. Staying busy is the key to survival when restricting or starving/fasting.

Painting my nails is the perfect time consuming mindless task to keep me stranded and occupied. Reading is a great way to take my mind into another reality. Having an intensive hygiene care routine is perfect for the malnourished and those looking to occupy time. Combine that with a strict work out regiment and I feel I am well on my way to being Kaneki all day every day.

Cons: Crushing loneliness as well as possibly alienating all your friends and relations. Feeling cold most of the time (could be a pro.) Binge eating out of control on occasion and ruining your life.

Pros: You can get so fit! Drink your nutrients in bland meal replacement drinks and love it more than food. Have as much black coffee as you can stomach. Get really smart from all the reading and studying. Forget your old life and make new friends and have your own family of misfits. Destroy your enemies.

Edited poorly to change to first person. This is just some trash I wrote and not suitable for any audience.

[drunk-on-books]

He who loves the more is the inferior and must suffer.

Thomas Mann, Tonio Kröger. (via drunk-on-books)

[drunk-on-books]

A lost sense of past times Looks from the stony masks, Pain distorted and empty of existence Mourning in abandonments. Sick smells of sunken gardens Quietly caress the decay - Like the echo of sobbing words Quivering over open crypts.

Georg Trakl, Decay. (via drunk-on-books)

[malformedmetamorphosis]

Word Up!

Talk it out. Type it up. Tumblr is so slow ... Writing must be done in the notepad...

Bummer

[majishi]