if i could i would feel nothing.

this is my writing blog.

[maliawritesit]

that last night we spent together felt like bliss. nothing could stand in my way. it was just you and me intertwined all night. the most comfortable id felt with anybody in a long time. if I had known it was the last time, I don't know what would've done different but I miss you and hope you're doing good. I get why you did what you did, but it still hurts like hell even if it wasn't very long.

[maliawritesit]

for almost a year, you've made me out to be the bad guy.

you never take the fall for your mistakes.

so this time I wont take it.

I made mistakes, but so did you.

neither of us are perfect but you broke me down and made me feel like I was never enough.

I won't take this bullying anymore.

I loved you. you meant everything to me.

but get your toxic aura out of my life.

[maliawritesit]

8-5-18

sometimes the loneliest feeling is quietly crying in bed next to someone who has no idea but wouldnt care anyways.

[maliawritesit]

when i die, i want to become a tree

when i die, i want to become a tree. i want my ashes to nourish its roots so it can grow big and strong and have beautiful leaves and branches and flowers. i want to become one with the earth. i want the animals to benefit from my death like the circle of life was meant to be. i don’t want to sit on top of a mantle to be mourned or worshipped. i want my life to have had meaning.

i’ve been thinking about death a lot. about how one minuscule moment in time could change the whole course of your life or your life could end at any moment.  now, i don’t want to die because i know it would hurt those around me, but if i did i don’t think i would look back and be disappointed in my life. i’ve had a good run. 22 years isn’t such a bad life. i’ve done some cool things. but dying means leaving those that i love behind with the grief that i leave, and i can’t leave people in that much pain. so i guess i’ll just stay around as long as i can to make sure those around me don’t hurt.

[maliawritesit]

i was so ready to learn everything about you. i wanted to show you the world and give you all you wanted.

[maliawritesit]

i always feel like i’m not good enough. it’s always the wrong place at the wrong time. fuck.

[maliawritesit]

f u c k

i don’t know, things suck sometimes.

[maliawritesit]

first lucid dream documentation 11/10

i have been attemping to lucid dream for almost 2 months now and have been doing reality checks, where i attempt to stick my finger through my hand to prove reality or that i'm dreaming, consistently for the last 2 weeks. i've had a few feeble attempts where i realize i'm dreaming but have no control or i wake up immediately. i felt no need to document those. yesterday while napping, though, i realized i was dreaming. my finger went through my hand and i thought i would try flying. i was in the room i was napping in except for there was a window on the opposite side of the room where it is just a wall in real life. it felt so real. i was flying and there was nothing holding me down. i can't wait to explore more in my dream world.

[maliawritesit]

when you walked away from us, it killed me. it absolutely destroyed me and everything about me.

i thought i put up a wall but i loved you even when you broke me down. i put up a tarp instead.

and when you came back, you tore that tarp right back down and came in again, and i let you.

that was my mistake because i went back all in. i should have just let you go when you walked away.

[maliawritesit]

Your absence in my life is killing me and I can pretend all I want that I'm okay but there's a part of me that feels empty. And as the days go, it doesn't seem to be any easier. When you left, though, you told me it wasn't the end. You lied to me. Just like you always have. But this time, it hurts the most.

[maliawritesit]

2 years

I remember the first picture I saw of you. That one with the dress.

I remember the day we met. Not your clothes, but what you said and how you made it feel like in a room of 200 people, there was only you and me. 

I remember the butterflies as I asked you if you wanted to go to the show with me on Valentines day. I remember our first night together, sleeping on your floor, wrapped in your arms.

I remember that second night in the cold where we laid on the grass and looked at the stars and you kept me warm.

I remember staying up late with you, talking about our past until the break of dawn.

I remember the first I love you in your apartment and how it made me feel.

I remember every night we spent getting high on your back porch, sitting together. Just laughing. 

I remember when you told me you weren’t okay. I couldn’t let you be alone.

I remember how driving 4 hours in one direction felt like it was worth it just to see your face for an hour. I never wanted you to feel alone.

I remember singing in the passenger seat while you drove my car, top down, all around the state. 

I remember sitting on your bed, running my fingers through your hair. That day changed us forever.

I remember sitting in your living room while you played music, just sitting and listening. 

I remember waking up on in the middle of the night and you handing me a bowl to smoke. Man, you’re perfect.

I remember sitting in a hospital chair while you laid next to me in the emergency room, just wishing you would stop being in so much pain.

I remember lying next to you in that hospital couch chair, memorizing the curves of your back and how it felt. I just wanted you to feel loved. 

I remember when you moved in and started sleeping in the living room and how I always felt tempted to just lay in bed with you.

I remember lying in bed and hearing your quiet snore and the sound of the futon creak. It was comforting to know you were okay.

I remember your smile and the way you wiped my tears as I was saying goodbye to you. I miss you.

All I ever wanted for you was to be happy and I hope that’s what you are. I love you for who you are and for the man I know you have the potential to be and I am so thankful to have been part of your life. Don’t forget me and please don’t hurt me anymore. 

[maliawritesit]

fuck, you’re everywhere.

you left your mark in the bathroom. your food still in the kitchen. your picture on the door. my couch will always be your bed. you hated my chair because it squeaks.

your laugh lingers in my mind. your smell lingers on all of my things.  your smile branded in my thoughts. the sound of you echoes in my brain. not your voice, but everything else.

[maliawritesit]

I just want to cuddle with someone.  Just lay in bed, skin to skin, cuddling.  Not doing anything except cuddling. I hate clothes.

[maliawritesit]

you make me feel like a person

you to me

[maliawritesit]

No

Dear dweeb,

I’m gonna miss you so much. And yeah, yeah, i know. We will hang out. I’ve heard it a million times. But no. No, i’m not going to miss hanging out with you (because I know. We will.) No, I’m going to miss the way the bathroom smells after you get out of the shower. I’m going to miss you coming home high off your ass doing stupid shit. I’m going to miss hearing the futon creak and your quiet snore in the middle of the night. I’m going to miss when you’re angry, but you try to not take it out on me when we both know that you will even though don’t mean to. I’m going to miss the smell of marijuana wafting past the door when i come home from work. I’m going to miss seeing your stupid face around all the time. I’m going to miss being mad that all my snacks are gone. I’m going to miss trying to be quiet in the morning to try and not wake you. I’m going to miss taking care of you when you’re sick. I’m going to miss everything about you. Every bag of swedish fish, every time I hear the drums, every time I want to share something good or bad, all I think about is you. You make me feel so happy even when I’m mad at you about the dumbest things. I wish you would read this or anything i have written, because it’s truly how I feel. I always love you. I will always care about you, and I will always be there for you. No matter what. I just want you to be happy in your life. I want you to succeed, have a family, live a long life, and thrive. Not just get by, but thrive. Because you know what? I know you can. And I believe that one day you will be happy. I really do. I love you. 

[maliawritesit]

over you

I don’t know what I am doing Keeping loving you But I know that it’s annoying And I hope it’s over soon

I don’t know what i am doing Sitting here with you In our apartment I like it

And it’s time to get over you it’s time to get over you it’s time to get over you

Your brown hair and goofy smile Make me wanna write a tune Your little quirks are funny And I like your chest tattoo

Always guessing never knowing What you’re gonna do You make me worry I hate it

And it’s time to get over you it’s time to get over you it’s time to get over you

[maliawritesit]

intoxicated people say the most interesting things. i think about what you’re like when you’ve taken drugs or are drunk. it’s saying things you won’t say when you’re sober. i don’t really know how to react to it, so i just take it as it is.