MANDATORY LEISURE

TUMBLING TOWARD ECSTASY

[mandatoryleisure]

2017

1. Today I am listening to “Toy Soliders” by Martika on repeat. I learned on Wikipedia that it’s a song about her friend who was battling a cocaine addiciton. Most people thing of it as a break-up song. I’m listening to it as a grief song as I mourn my country. 

2. I have been published in three things. One magazine took down my poem, one is a gay boy print mag that’s going to close shop, and one is an essay ABOUT MY HAIR. People tell me they like my work but sometimes I wonder if people like to tell me Nice Things so I don’t sob in front of them. 

3. I have a “stack” of poems called PREMIUM BRAWN. I pitch as this as a “collection” that deals with queer interrogation of voice, genre, and masculinity. But let’s be real: they’re just poems about boys. 

4. My relationship with New Orleans has evolved. Since 2014, I’ve made new friends but my friend group shifts every 3 months because it’s a fluid city. I miss the density of Philadelphia but I don’t miss the attitude. There’s a guy that uses his Philly meanness as a marketing strategy to sell hoagies. It’s the only place in town that sells hoagies on Amaroso.  

5. I’m stalking my “super” because I do miss living on a treelined street and smoking cigarettes on the stoop. He also showed up in my People You May Know. 

6. I may delete facebook because I only use it for stalking People I Like instead of sharing posts about resisting. 

7. I shared a post that asked marchers in DC to donate their unused metro cards to families in need. It got zero likes and I wondered if People I Like stopped Liking Me. 

8. It’s thoughts like these that make me realize I am still a teenager and that I need to get off the internet. 

9. I’m reading Joy Williams and Daniel Borzutzky and Adam Fitzgerald and I carry Lunch Poems for Emergencies. 

10. I rebooting this jawn because my gmail notified me that a porn star started to follow me and wanted to see if they’ll like this post.  

[mandatoryleisure]

Hiiiiiii

Just embarrassed myself all over NOLA again which I'm so good at. I don't care about grad school anymore :( I care about money bc I am evil. Today outright rejected from two jobs went shopping pretendED it was2k3-2k9. Danced by myself. Sounded like an asshole. In front of the capital Q queer community in teeny tiny NOLA. Spilled drinkS on myself spiraled out realize it's 2k14 and I have to do SOMETHING that makes me feel fabulous and not hit rock bottom on repeat

[mandatoryleisure]

OOF

Maybe I should have been a chillwave/bedroom pop artist instead.

[mandatoryleisure]

Autobiography 2002-2013, 2014. I don't think I need to write it since it's already been written

[mandatoryleisure]

MEETING NEW BOYS

I went to a dance party and felt like a 1000 years old. Thank gawd for smartphones because then I have somewhere to look instead of staring at everyone with a sad face that says OMG I WANT TO JOIN YOU BUT I AM NOT DRUNK/AMPED UP ENOUGH/FORGET EVERYTHING ABOUT DANCING. It wasn't until the end of the night where not one but TWO boys talked to me.

1. "SO WHAT DO YOU STUDY?" "POETRY." "OH WOW." "YEAH HEH HEH YOU CAN'T TRUST US!" (why did I say this because) "OH YEAH I KNOW. I DATED ONE AND HE WAS A LIAR AND I LEARNED TO NEVER DATE A POET AGAIN." "UMM."

2. "WHERE YOU FROM?" "PHILLY. YOU?" "NEW YORK!" "OH WOW HA HA I'M LIKE YOUR UGLY STEPSISTER." "THAT YOU ARE!"

I'm a hit in NOLA/total catch/swipe left-worthy, right?

[slathersmut-deactivated20170126]

[feelingofgaze]

photo shoots with Beck and Hanson, Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson, you’re all fakes up in yr mansions. come down here, we’ll kick yr asses. 

[mandatoryleisure]

<3<3

[mandatoryleisure]

PLL just gave me a minor panic attack

AREA's hot shot prof dad just thought her lover's/teacher's intellectual's tastes are lightweight and then I flashed forward to 2016-2017 where I'm teaching HS english and some parent thinks I'm a deadweight for watching pretty little liars and writing on my tumblr as my only published work.

[mandatoryleisure]

summer activity

I love staying up all night binge-watching Netflix on one tab, and on the other tab, stalking everyone on facebook/instagram/twitter, which spurs more feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and nostalgia.

[mandatoryleisure]

DO NOT LIKE

People who say "amazeballs." I can get down with people who say AMAZE as an adjective though.

[mandatoryleisure]

LIVE FROM THE JOB SEARCH part infinity

1. omg vague posts are the WORST, but I do like ones that are in all caps. Maybe it's a match.

2. Curious about becoming a shoe shiner at a hotel but I feel like I need to be an insanely optimistic and listen to businesspeople about how successful they are/sports/stockquotes/1%politics(?) and provide recommendations in a city I have zero clue about because I spend my days either in bed with netflix, at a weird dive, an expensive gay pool I have no business being at, and coffee shops pretending I'm working on something important.  Also would probably need to part my hair/make it look shiny. 

3. Totally thought a post was looking for someone to be TUMBLING INSTRUCTOR ie teaching people how to use TUMBLR O___O

[mandatoryleisure]

OMG best mix for THIS particular summer xoxo

[mandatoryleisure]

new bullet on my resume

Private Pet Sitter/Walker,  Various locations,  Jun 1996-present Provides care to various breeds of cat and dogs; duties include feeding, walking, grooming, waste management, initiating play, and maintaining clean and habitable pet spaces.

Do you like how I look like I almost have ~20 years of experience? "Waste management"? "Initiating play"? "Habitable pet spaces"? Missing subject? Do you see through me?

I'm kind of proud of this (especially some awk phrasing/puffery), but I could be delusional. IDK it's rough out there in the big easy lol.

[mandatoryleisure]

just a thought or two IDK...

What is worse: reminiscing about the glory days of HS/College or living vicariously/reimagining them via teen shows?

Secondly, is there such a thing as grad school glory days/daze? Is it like writing a 20+pg essay in 15 mins and getting an A/surviving a semester?

Please P/DM with answers bc this is v imp/IDK what I'm doing

*Sent from my Macbook in the comp lab*

[mandatoryleisure]

Instead of making new friends and finding a job and/or running away from NOLA/grad school, I started to watch PRETTY LITTLE LIARS, which was recommended by an old friend via text. Even though I am pushing thirty and am single and failing grad school, I guess I'm still into the TEEN genre. Vicariously living out my youth via media because my IRL experiences are as dismal as the US economy. Here are some RAW thoughts:

1. OMG takes place in Rosewood, PA, which is really Ro$emont I guess. Makes me nostalgic for my boring high school days spent drinking coffee, eating pizza, spending my lunch money on CDs, and riding the train everwhere. LOL @ the SOUTH STREET reference. 

2. This is s0 rude but the dead one reminds me of a living bratz doll.

3. I am so happy the SPRING BREAKer grrl is in this. I should be relating to the other one (Ariana?) bc I'm "writer" but let's be real I am the one that's in the mall with my Birkin bag trying to get laid by a Christian boy and crashing cars when I don't get what I want.

4. The teacher-student relationship really irks me. Like if some teen wanted to get down with me, I would be like please buy me a drink and/or take me to Europe. Oh wait you can't. BYE. On another note, I'd also put Cosmo and Tumblr on the syllabus. That guy is a babe though in a VillanovaU-kind of way.

5. Really wanting this budding lesbian relationship to go on blast bc the new girl is cool and smokes pot and is probably from California. I wish there was a California person in my school to get high with/make out.

6. Also if I sleep with a cop (who graduated from POPULAR high in 99/y2k), will all my misdemeanors be erased? Um go Spring Breaker mom? Perhaps my favorite TV mom.

7. The middle witch from Charmed is married to the less hot Rob Lowe and kind of plays the same role (maybe? thoughts?). I hope Shannen Doherty/Rose McGowan makes a cameo.

8. I'm obsessed with the use of flip phones and sidekicks pre-APPLE takeover of our lives. Do they/textbot A (secretly Siri?) start using Instagram and Snapchat by season 4? Don't tell - only mid way through season 1. Also love the PLL version of thefacebook.com.

9. POLL or new thesis topic: 90s vs 00s vs 10s teen shows. I am in the wrong major because I should really be writing about the evolution of teen TV shows: from square pegs to #richkidsofbevhills IDK; should I start a kickstarter for fake/failing scholars? I need to go to LA anyway (not really just someone buy me a plane ticket pls). Spoiler Alert: writing about gay things on a 4th grade/sextmessage level, which is all I want to do.

10. OR maybe I should do some PLL fan fic in an attempt to make a fortune. I mean I think I'm a good "fit" for bad writing. People in my grad program post on facebook about writing fan fic and I'm like LOL guyyyys wait up (pretty much me the whole year).

11. FYI I pulled an all nighter to watch this/write my award winning commentary.

12. Don't get me started on the person that shares my name on the show. It's so confusing, but I like it.

[mandatoryleisure]

tot@lly rand0m

1. I'm so happy that the barista is playing "Sugar Water" by Cibo Mato x2!

2. Other than that this mid city cafe kind of sucks. Competing with Cibo Mato is a table of LOUDLY TALKING WOMEN who aren't really listening to each other and totally talking shit about their friends/themselves even though they are like ~35 (REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MID CITY?). And then there's a guy on a bluetooth having a conference call about METRICS (he said it about 8 times). Who has a conference call at 9:30 CST??

3. BACK on the job hunt and it's amazing as ever. Unsure that PRESTIGIOUS UNIVERSITY received my app to be a fake librarian. Focusing my search in the "etc" section of craigslist.org. Did you know you have the option to look at/organize postings in different formats, ie THUMBNAILS. YO DOGGIE LEMME SEE DEM THUMBS OF DOPE STOCK IMAGES OF PRODUCTIVE PEOPLE ("CAN CAN I I just comment on that right now?"-bluetooth guy serendipitously interjects). What am I talking about? Anyway, I think I have a promising career at http://surveytakers101.info <3.

4. There's this dog walker/sitter position that's SO SERIOUS and requires that I have a sense of humor which I left back in Philadelphia circa 2012-13  and that I am "willing to grow as a photographer?" What?

5. I did see a copywriting position at ANOTHER PRESTIGIOUS UNIVERSITY and it gave me pangs for writing upspeaky, action-oriented sentences that drive IMPACT. I also got pangs for paychecks, lunchtime shopping sprees, heavy internet trolling, and awkward/painful staff meetings where I felt like shit but I developed a good poker face and used words like metrics to sound like a TEAM PLAYER. So I stalked some people on LinkedIn who worked in that marketing department and it was like a trip down memory lane of power suits, professional photos, and desperate testimonials. I guess I could be a "fit."

6. NO ONE has written a testimonial for me since friendster days and those were about my ability to shriek (which made people laugh?) and develop creative offbeat dance moves at alternative college parties.

7. I logged onto friendster and found it was a GAMER site? RIP testimonials that make me feel good about myself.

8. BACK on craigslits and LOL @ teen smoking survey for $$. I wish I qualified. Does it count that I have tumblr?

9. Everyone on facebook is getting married, at the beach and/or international location, winning at life, FREAKING OUT about supreme court decisions (rightly so tbh X__X), and pretending to be into soccer. I don't really have much to contribute other than maybe disclosing my questionable netflix habits (watched all of OITNB in ~36 hrs) and the fact I don't often leave my house/room until 8pm.

10. Texted some ppl and didn't get any response. I used to be soooo p0pular but now I am back to being a middle school l0ser.

11. I'm starting to worry that the job search has turned into a grindr/tindr-like enterprise. Like you're chatting and you say the wrong thing and it's like NO RESPONSE.

12. quick survey: what's more embarrassing rn : tumbling in public or cruising craigslist et cetera jobs section? I also checked grindr at the weird straight dive bar on carrollton ave circa 1am while I was sipping a shot of fireball. SUMMER 2k14 rules!

13. FYI got the stink eye from bluetooth man and now he's outside.

14. May go out to smoke a cig to eavesdrop more.

15. IF anyone reads this wants to send me a check, I'd be really open to it. I'll write you a peom xoxo.

[mandatoryleisure]

really embarrassing things I shouldn't admit but lol who cares

1. you may have noticed I posted something REALLY raw last week, but then deleted it, because lol I'm depressed.

2. I think I was inspired to post something raw in a 2001-LJ-style post because I started reading old LJs/blogspots from the early aughts and missed how honest people were, instead of like upspeaky fb posts and monotone/normcore style tweets from literary giants. 

3. I just updated a portion of my okcupid profile in a public nola coffee shop. One was a typo and the other was a clarification.

4. I just asked someone on okcupid if they used the YO ap. Can't wait to go on a date with him! Pending response. 

5. I am trying my best to not compulsively tweet/transcribe my brain patterns, because I took a weird social media break, and I am feeling lonely and I think people will be like WTF.

6. Also new thing! Whenever I'm sleep deprived, I'm more social. Otherwise I may as well be mute.

7. Instead of sleeping, I stare at my computer. This past week I watched St. Elmo's Fire, Sixteen Candles, Cry Baby, Anthony Bourdain, Life Happens (secret Kate Bosworth fan since Blue Crush), Heathers (which freaked me out), THE BABYSITTERS CLUB (lol oh god rock bottom) and then duh, Orange is the New Black.

8. Everyone hates Piper, but dude, I like feel for her, even though she's awful. Or Red when she loses her biz/friends. Tastyee is my fave. And I have a weird c on that one correctional officer. Sometimes I get REALLY upset about the idea of prisons/portrayals of them/people's MUST SEE reaction to the show and then sneak out to smoke cigarettes at like 4 am and try not to wake up my roommate. Can't wait to submit my OITNB review to nonfiction lit things.

9. Applying for a position that simultaneously seems like would be a good match, but I don't know how to write a cover letter/market myself without like a someone telling someone else that I'm a good egg.

10. LOL I have like flimsy/zero connections in NOLA.

11. Can someone hold my hand?

12. In other news, I've been writing "poems" but I have no idea how to talk about them.

13. But all I care about it is how I wish I had long hair and could pull off a top knot.

14. I am so far away from trends and fashion and pop culture things (except from OITNB) that I think I am normcore without trying

15. Started to follow that trendforecaster/scam that started normcore on twitter

16. favorite tweet from them was about tickling at job interviews. I wish a interviewer at a potential employer would tickle me and then when he/she/they would see my reaction, they would hire me based on how they feel about it.

17. I sometimes fall into habit of thinking about 1998-2002 me, the winter 2011/summer 2013-14 me(ugh), 2012 me (the best me!), 2007-8 me (the blindly reckless me), 2003-4 me, and then like 2015-16+ me (???me).

18. I think bc I've watched so many things on netflix that I'm starting to think my days are episodic. Like I'm trying to predict story arcs. Do I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

19. I fantasize about dropping out of everything in NOLA and moving to (NO.) California and becoming a more zenned out version where I eat kale leaves and feel OK about wearing things from 2004-10 (when I had $$). Feel OK about being a little underwhelming and not at all creative. TRULY BASIC. I would be excited about posting upspeaky/sincere things to social media. I would probably be a courier/PA/chill associate at whatever boutique. I would talk like a gay surfer/aging valley grrl and people would be like right on.

20. Back to dating, I'm all over the place. One day I want to be married, the next lone wolf, and then wanting to flirt with everyone even though I don't know how to flirt. Thank god for texting.

21. Whenever I see queer friends, crushes, and personas on the internet I feel like I'm always behind a glass one-way mirror. I feel like a total voyeur and it makes me feel like a dumber, gayer Emily Dickinson.

22. I ordered a dirty chai (3+ shots of espresso). The barista was like WTF about my order but I wanted to be wired to write things.

23. This could all be deleted by tomorrow.

[mandatoryleisure]

M/O LIST 2K14.1

MAC DEMARCO

JOHN GOODMAN

ARIEL PINK

MILK

that CO who got an inmate pregnant on OITNB

JOHNNY DEPP IN CRY BABY

A user on grindr with a handle titled "M"

Maybe a drug dealer for like 5 minutes

THIS bartender at some embarrassing bourbon street gay bar who calls me "baby"

Some dude on okcupid who has some hot tatts w/ stash but hasnt responded to my message :((((((((((((

Whoever designed this tattoo parlor flyer at a bywater vegan jawn that says LOOK GOOD NAKED

OMG srsly whoever writes me a check or into their estate or is able to supply me with income

or you know just anyone takes me shopping for some overpriced fashion mesh tee that something like #sadboy on it or whatever

MAKE MY DREAMS CUM TRUE BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO ANYMORE @___@