This too shall pass
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@maneak5
This too shall pass
Big sigh
My emotions are regressing and all the nightmares im having are indicative of that. Why is this happening
One day i will sleep well again. One day i will have nice dreams
A recurrent theme in my life is just wanting to be treated just a little better like not a lot but just a little
I scrolled so far down my tumblr i found a lot of posts that reflect the way i feel right now. This one stung... im almost 22
Im in so much mental pain i just want to sleep
I DONT DESERVE TO BE THIS FUCKING TORN
IM BEING RIPPED TO PIECES
I really dont have to overthink my actions
Its so unfair
Its so unfair
I hate how much i overthink being upset. More often than not people have weaponized my sadness against me. Idk why i feel bad about having emotions. I dont know why i still have the need to apologize for it! Its just so unfair that i feel like i can never win
I feel like my depression is coming back? I think its my fault because i tried too hard to make myself *feel* that i intentionally participated in narratives that make me sad. That was okay but now its reached a level where i feel like its chronic. I dont want to be depressed again. I cant be depressed again.
The only time someones ever written about me was in a blog post about how shitty i was as a person in general lol
Im sorry for possessing emotions. Im actively trying to suppress them
Why do i feel so angry?? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE GARBAGE IM GONNA EXPLODE
How do i regain my self worth
I wrote this poem over a year ago and i dont think anyones seen it but its very relevant to how i feel now. Between that period and now i became okay. It gives me hope that i can be okay again. I can give myself hope. Here is the poem:
I cannot help but notice that my inspiration to write leaks from the holes that have been punctured into my heart and mind.
And I am left wondering:
What am I if not the result of a past that has turned my pastimes into coffins that bare my dead pleasures?
What am I if not a visitor that grieves over the graves of my hobbies?
I used to write,
But the dates on my poems mark their expiration and I’m out of stock.
I used to read,
But I open my closet and look at a graveyard of books completed and books unfinished.
I used to be athletic,
But now I get my exercise from walking aimlessly around the city I call my home.
Though I have a goal to revive the dead.
This is my attempt to write, albeit triggered by the memory of my losses;
I have new books, though they’ve either been abandoned or untouched;
And I try to find destinations for my walks, but I still end up going in circles.
I have skills too:
I have a decent vocabulary, though I’m still struggling to explain.
I can converse about the phenomena I’ve learned, yet what I know about them is not enough to be useful.
And I can navigate through the city, but I still have no where to go.
So what am I?
What am I if not an unfinished project I myself have abandoned because it’s too much work?
What am I if not a lazy web of organs that fester and rot during the wasted time I devote to my worn out goal?
And what am I if not the set of unfortunate skills I am trying to employ to tell the world that I am nothing?
Today i realized that although im generally okay, im just demotivated from doing a lot of regular things. Its fueled by the fact that ive lost so many friends recently. Im making new friends but i have a long way to go before i can feel comfortable. Idk its probably not even that though. I just dont feel passionate about anything. I feel so lame and useless. I feel so dumb and immature. I have so much anxiety concerning my future and im not investing enough energy in fixing it. Im not investing enough energy in anything. It feels like i dont deserve to be alive. Who the fuck am i? Why am i not as present as i used to be? Why do i feel this weak? Why did i allow myself to become like this? Im just so dissatisfied with everything in my life. Everything. Im not satisfied with my academics. Im not satisfied with my family. Friends? Lol it doesnt even matter how i feel seeing how disposable i am to everyone. Idk i just want university to start again so i can perhaps isolate myself and just be... more okay than i am now.