think of me fondly when your hands are on her.
shoko x internally!homoph0bic reader
(sub pairing: reader x satoru/shoko x yuki)
synopsis: feelings are messy, especially those of high schoolers. so, how do you deal with your internal conflicts? choosing between the woman you wanted to grow old with or the life your family had always envisioned?
content warnings: internalized homoph0bia, struggling relationships, hidden relationship, cover up relationship, cheating, cussing, highschool!au, sex/smut both f4f and m4f, readers queer awakening (no specific sexuality mentioned), wlw relationship, awkward first time, virginity lost, unprotected sex, angst, fluff, time skip, ambiguous ending
authors note: the goat is here.. this probably dethrones my kento fan fic as my longest work (read here!!) but i made this extra extra long as my 100 FOLLOWER SPECIAL!!!!!! i cant even imagine so many people seeing my work and supporting me so i just want to say thank you so much for you continuous support and i can’t wait to write more for yall! ❤️
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september 2006, the first day of jujutsu high. it wasn’t typical high school no icebreakers, no awkward seating arrangements. rather it filled with curse hunting and filling out reports.
the students had been split into duos, and you had the (mis)fortune of being paired with shoko ieiri the only student who had reverse cursed technique. essentially she’s like insurance!
if things were to go sideways.. and which they did. shoko was to the rescue. the two of you ended up in the infirmary.
“i’m sorry— i didnt mean to freeze like that. i guess seeing a curse that advanced is new to me.”
“dont sweat it, i’m just glad you didn’t get a worse injury.”
she wrapped the gauze around your knee, looking up at you fidgeting with the toothpick between her teeth.
“youre staring..” you mumble, eyes moving away from hers.
your skin heated under her unfamiliar touch, a new emotion bloomed in your chest a face flushing, palm sweating sensation. you began pulling your knee away. the sudden jerking motion makes you wince in pain.
“you probably shouldn’t be on that thing for a while, hm? i got you.”
“thank you.. again i’m so, so sorry. i swear i dont always get so—”
she wraps an arm around you, holding steady while you limped behind her.
that mission was the beginning of everything.
the two of you grew together, connected in a way that no one else seemed to understand. holding hands under tables, skipped classes to buy convince store snacks, went on missions together. where one girl was, the other was right behind her.
new years eve, you and shoko sat on the training field watching your friends spar.
“shouldnt we be participating?” you asked as you passed a water bottle back and forth.
“nah, you have the injured knee, remember?”
“that was 3 months ago, and i’m pretty sure having a break off school doesn’t mean we have a break from training.”
shoko chuckles, brushing stray hairs from your face. the way she did the night before.
“youre such a good girl, it’s almost endearing.”
thats what she had said then too, the memories of that night made your chest tighten. shoko had come to your dorm after hours like she always did. she had done this a thousand and one times before so why were you so nervous? perhaps it was the way she had touched you that day hand constantly resting on yours, the way she held you and played with your hair, or perhaps it was the way that she kissed you that night.
and who were you to reject her? when your lips touched it felt like a side of yourself you were never aware of had come to life. like flowers blooming in the snow after a harsh winter.
you pulled away, gasping hand clasped over your mouth. and in the dark of your room, you felt safe enough to confess.
“i’ve never kissed a girl before.” you say, your other hand still resting on the small of her back.
“i’m glad to be your first.” she whispered back.
shoko leaned back in, gently prying your hand away from your lips. she giggled while pushing your back against the headboard of the bed. the two of you kissed till your lips were swollen and your jaws ached, and in the morning you didn’t talk about it. acted like none of it happened as you shared breakfast.
the truth was, you weren’t ready.
your hand rested on shokos, trying to think of a reply but the moment had been interrupted by satoru.
he skipped over looking down at the two of you.
“am i interrupting something?” he asked with a giggle looming over the two of you.
you immediately pull away from shoko, speaking for the both of you.
“no.. no—! whats up toru?”
the white haired boy looked around sheepishly, an expression that was rare to see.
“well, uhm— since new years is coming up. do you.. do you want to be my date to the group celebration tonight?”
at satorus request your eyes widen, he was asking you?! you immediately nod your head yes.
“oh my god! yes— yes!” you squeal, jumping up from your spot and giggling. you wrap your arms around satorus waist looking up at him with a smile that seemed to shine brighter than the sun. he returns the same grin, hands resting on your hips.
you shudder. because even though it was satoru holding you, you couldn’t help but long for shokos touch and you could feel her eyes burning holes into the back of your head.
“okay— well.. i’ll see you tonight? it would be kinda awkward if we kept hugging..”
“you dont know that! i love hugs!”
“ill see you tonight, toru.”
satoru reluctantly let go, jogging back to suguru jumping up and down and cheering. shoko on the other hand, had followed after you.
you stopped at the vending machine infront of the dorms, the soda can had tumbled out of the dispense flap rolling out onto the concrete. you turn around to pick it up, jumping at the girl who stood silently behind you.
“jesus, shoko! i didnt see you there!”
“youre going out with satoru?”
“i wouldn’t say going out.. it’s just one date shoko..”
“but— why? i thought we had something special? i kissed you the other night! Y/N. i dont know how you could kiss me, and—- and string me along just to turn around and go out with satoru.”
“shoko keep your voice down! i dont want anyone to know what happened between us okay? i didnt know what i was doing..”
“oh really? you didn’t know what you were doing when you were unbuttoning my shirt?”
before you can reply, shoko scoffs shoulder checking you on the way to her dorm.
that night shoko didnt go to the party.
you entered the karaoke room, the bass seems to thump from your fingertips to your toes.
satoru immediately perks up, abandoning the group.
“hey! yeah— i didnt wanna stand you up for our.. date”
you hesitate before the word, it felt surreal. a date. with the strongest, with satoru you felt safe secure. even if he didn’t evoke that same liberating—- tingling feeling in your chest he was the furthest from a distraction.
drinks were shared, food was fought over, and at the end of it all satoru was walking you back to your dorm.
“you know, Y/N there’s only 2 minutes till midnight..”
“so.. we should do a count down!”
the two of you stood idled in front of the door, your back is against the cold wood, handle digging into the lower half of you. you suddenly realize how close satoru was. how his arms seemed to trap you and how his eyes seemed different from the blinding blue they were this morning.
“what happens after the count down?”
he shows you his watch, 10, 9, 8, 7 seconds till midnight. you both watch intently as the clock strikes twelve. fireworks go off around the distance.
“yeah— happy new year satoru—”
he leans down, pillowy lips against yours. his hair brushes against your forehead.
your hands reach out, wrapping around his neck pulling him closer. satorus hands clamp down on your waist, when you finally pull away his eyes are glossed over.
you immediately oblige, unlocking the door allowing yourself to stumble into the cool room. eager as ever satoru is already stripping.
he cages you once more. staring down at you. his hair is tousled, chest is heaving, bright red blotches across his cheeks creeping up to his ears.
satourus voice comes out the softest its been the whole night, a confession.
“i’ve never—” he whispers it, like if he were to raise his voice anymore everyone would know..
“me neither..” you whisper back, hand resting on his chest feeling the abnormal rhythm of his heart.
“do you— do you still want it?”
at your confirmation satoru immediately begins fumbling with the zipper of your skirt. he pulls back wiping his hands on his jeans.
“fuck— sorry! my hands are clammy..”
you giggle, pulling the zipper down for him. he lifts your hips pulling both your skirt and and panties down all in one tug. you gasp at the cold air that blew against you.
satorus eyes track down to the apex of your thighs, he silently gnaws on his bottom lip. jeans tightening with each second.
“you cant blame me! shes so pretty..”
you cant help but blush at the way he refers to your body. and being the fumbling teens you were, it was more than awkward. after tender kisses and tender bumped foreheads..
“youre a dork! stop staring at me like i’m a science experiment and touch me already..!” you snort out, giggling and wiggling your hips bringing your bodies closer.
youre finally getting somewhere.. satoru takes his right hand. long fingers slowly part you while his left fingers swipe up against your clit. you squirm at the sensation hand clamping over your mouth.
he continues his “experiment” he pinched your clit watching as you writhe under him. he immediately rubs over the bundle, pouting.
“too much?” he asked with a chuckle increasing the pressure watching your face for each reaction.
how cocky for a first timer..
youre already out of it. eyes drooping, legs closing around his hand.
you immediately nod your head, his fingers still.
“no— let me hear you baby.. want you to tell me how much you want it.”
“toru please.. please, touch me?”
his fingers move from your clit slowly pushing a single digit inside. you both let out a low moan your legs clamp around his arm. face scrunched from the unfamiliar sensation.
“it hurts..” you murmured hand gripping satorus wrist as he worked you open.
“should we stop?” he asked nervously fingers stilling inside of you.
“no. god— no satoru! i— i can take it!”
satoru nods, continuing his exploration. his eyes meet yours. watching your face as the knot in your stomach tightened. you pulse around him toes curling, vision blurring, ears ringing— you whimper mouth parted.
at this point, satorus pants were tighter than ever, it looked like he was pitching a tent.. he grinds into the mattress trying to relieve himself.
“fuck— cmon, give it to me, honey. i know you can.”
your back arches off the mattress, practically yelping as warm intense pleasure rips through you from core to toes.
eyes still half lidded and loopy, you begin pawing at satorus belt like a needy puppy. you prop yourself on an elbow trying to get closer.
“are you sure? youre so tired.. and i dont wanna hurt you.”
“yeah. i’m sure. i’ve never been more sure of anything in my life..”
the idea of being with satoru, so close, so.. intertwined was exhilarating. it felt how it was described in books and movies, like security, sensibility and everything that came in between.
it was different than shoko, there was no risk factor, no deep fear of discovery. they both brought you excitement and yet satoru still felt like the safer choice. the idea of living the life you always thought of over a life of new identity is much better than taking the risk.
“wow, you feel that strongly?” he teased. pulling you from your thoughts.
satoru peels off his pants, cock springing out and bopping against his tummy.
satoru leans down taking your lips with his, he strokes himself spreading pre-cum along his shaft. he slowly lines himself with your entrance with the type of expertise you dont expect from a virgin. and with one agonizing push, hes fully inside. you both whimper against eachother as your walls pulse around him.
the duality of the sting and the bliss that comes with each drag of his cock keeps you gripping onto him. your lips are locked, moving in sync with each roll of his hips.
you’re both reeling from the new sensations and feelings— here it was all clicking this was what it was supposed to be, how it was supposed to feel. and while satoru occupied every inch of your body, shoko occupied every inch of your mind.
the last part of his sentence brings you back to reality, hips meet yours sloppily. the sounds of heavy breathing, slick, and distant fire works fill the room.
“god, yes! satoru!” you moan out, nails digging into his back. his cock fills you and makes your brain mush, momentarily forgetting all about shoko.
“cumming!” satoru whined out, head in the crook of your neck.
he pulls out leaving you craving the full feeling once more. he brings your hand up to his cock using it to stroke himself his hand rest on yours controlling the pace and grip.
when he finally cums, long milky ropes land across your tummy and thighs. he stumbles away, coming back with a damp towel. he wipes you off carefully. talking under his breath.
by the time youre both done, youre in satorus arms. leg draped over his hips. he strokes your arm kissing the top of your messy hair.
“so.. did i secure a second date?”
“you secured a girlfriend— dork.”
over the months, you and satoru were the epitome of puppy love.
there was date nights, shared missions, movie marathons. just like you were with shoko, where one was the other followed.
you even made up with shoko! well.. sort of..
it mainly consisted of glances from across the room, small talk, and whenever the two of you were asked about it you both shrugged, replying with a mix of excuses that never seemed to add up.
weeks later, in march, you and shoko were finally alone. the two of you sat in her dorm. you on the floor and her by the window smoking a cigarette.
she takes a drag, looking over at you.
“hes.. great— i mean really hes so sweet! he does the cutest thing… sorry.. i shouldnt talk about him. after everything.”
she inhaled again, letting out the cigarette against an ash tray. she tosses the bud out the window.
“nah— its fine. we’re friends, i wanna know!”
her tone is a mix of false enthusiasm and insecurity. but, you being unaware you blurt out the biggest secret you had.
“he took my virginity on new years!”
“ohmygod! i’ve just been waiting to tell someone— i mean i’m close with kento but surely he doesn’t wanna hear about it..”
“..yeah, so.. howd he do it?”
“well..” you giggle, shifting your position as you recall the magical night. “he uhm.. kissed me at midnight.. and he came in my room— then he fingered me!”. you squeak, covering your face “then we.. you know..”
shoko stands up from her spot at the windowsill, striding over to you. she takes off her hoodie revealing a strappy black bra. she lowers her body crawling towards you and nudging your legs apart.
“shoko— what in gods name are you doing-?”
“do you wanna find out.. how it feels to have someone go down on you?”
shoko takes your confirmation as a sign, that you were still interested. that there she hadnt imagined all those late night conversations, that she hadnt imagined the chemistry between you during that kiss.
she kisses from your thighs down to your calf. lifting up your hips peeling off your shorts. she throws your legs over her shoulders licking small strips along your panties.
“this is wrong! i— i love satoru. i really do love him..”
“and yet, you haven’t told me to stop.”
after that day, you maintained a relationship with satoru, cuddling, kissing, all the things you had done before.. but by night you would snake out of satorus arms going to meet shoko.
it was almost liberating.. living a double life, being the perfect model of a highschool sweetheart while being your true self at night having a dirty little secret.
each time, it got worse, the guilt swelled inside of your heart but it was always pushed away each time shoko took off your panties.
4:12AM. you crawled out of bed, tightening the sheets around satoru before exiting the room. you walk down the hall to shokos room. when the door opens youre already on her.
you both know better than to waste time with sweet nothings. you’re both stripping leaving a trail of clothes behind you.
“i wanna try something tonight, you got an extra hour?”
“i think i can manage if i skip training..”
she nods, locking lips with yours. she’s on top of you, reaching into her side drawer your eyes track over to a sleek black vibrator. she turns it on.
“cmon pretty girl.. you know we’re on a time crunch.”
your hands move on instinct, spreading yourself for her to see. she places the vibrator on your clit watching you squirm trying to run from it.
“look at you baby— fucking gorgeous. be good and dont run..”
your toes begin to curl, head thrown back as the pleasure builds in your tummy.
shoko cocks a brow, chuckling.
she pulls the vibrator away, replacing it with her fingers. pumping them in and out, in and out. she watches as you coat her fingers.
“you know.. i always wonder if you’re this wet when satoru does it.”
you freeze. propping yourself up and looking at her.
“does he do it better than me?” she ask, curling her fingers up into that spongey spot you cant reach by yourself. you arch off the bed once more, arm flying to her wrist trying to control he pace.
“no—! no! not better than you sho—!”
“mhm.. thats what i like to hear, tell me how good i am?”
“sooo.. so fucking good..” you whimper out, head achey from the overstimulation. trying to stay in the moment.
“cum for me, Y/N. i know you can.”
her words take you back to new years, satoru had whispered something along those lines making you stomach knot in more than one way. guilt, pleasure, pure ecstasy. this had to stop.
she watched your face as she always did, looking for that familiar furrow in your brow.
you finally come undone. and when you do, you shuffle out of reach. searching for your panties.
with that youve already made your way out of the door wiping your tears.
the internal conflict between your brain and your heart was too much to bear. everything was being handed to you on a silver platter and yet you keep going behind your darling boyfriends back.
each time you were filled with guilt yet you couldn’t stop yourself. the way your heart fluttered when you touched shokos hand, when she was inside of you, when you kissed her. the way it was wrong. how you shouldnt be risking it especially when youve got everything waiting at home.
you open the door to the dorm. the now rising sun snakes into the room. illuminating satorus skin turning it a mix of orange.
he turns around, rubbing his eyes.
“just a bit ago.. dont worry about it, go back to sleep.”
you settle down between his arms again, feeling him curl himself around you.
the sun is setting as you and satoru walk down the pier. he sucks on his icecream cone sprinkles stuck to his lips.
“toru.. we just had dinner, and dessert.. two of them, you’ll hurt you stomach!”
“it’s our anniversary! its a special occasion!”
the two of you stop at the edge of the pier. hes looking down at you. practically grinning ear to ear.
“what? you’re making me nervous!”
“dont be.. i’m nervous too..”
he moves onto one knee, bringing out a velvet black box. you gasp, shaking your head.
“satoru! i— im not wearing anything cute, we’re not even graduated yet—”
satoru laughs a laugh deep from his gut. he throws his head back before opening the case. revealing a gold necklace with a ‘s’ charm.
“listen.. i know, we’re too young to get married but. i love you, Y/N. and i know you love me too. so— this isnt exactly a proposal, but a promise. that someday, someday you’ll be my wife. thats what the ‘s’ is for.. well i guess that could also stand for satoru but i’m going off track— i just.. i mean. i want to spend the rest of my life with you, in every single way and i cant wait for the day where we do this again but instead of a necklace, it’s a ring..”
“satoru..” you whisper, tears welling in your eyes. you immediately nod your head.
“yes! yes— i promise, someday we’ll be married.”
he hops up from his spot practically glowing. he scoops you up twirling you in the warm summer sun.
“careful! you’ll drop me in the water!”
you squeal kicking your legs in the air as satoru hoist you over the gate. when you’re both steady and back on the ground, he clasp the necklace around you helping you adjust it.
“gorgeous.” he whispers.. hands trailing down your shoulders.
that night once satoru was asleep, you snuck back out like you did every night. but this time the intentions were different.
shokos already waiting at the door. she immediately notices the necklace.
“seriously? your anniversary and he gives you a gift centered around himself—”
“i dont— i dont want to see you anymore. i cant keep doing this to satoru.”
“but you can keep doing this to me? this is the second time! you cant keep stringing me along each time you wanna feel something! you like girls and you won’t fucking admit it.”
“it’s not like i’ve ever liked a girl before.. so what if i do? i have a boyfriend! and cheating on him with his friend is wrong. im sorry..”
“fuck you. and dont worry, your little secrect won’t get out. as long as you never try to talk to me again, i cant be this.. experiment for you to try every once in a while when you’re bored.”
before you could respond, she slams the door in your face, you hear it lock.
you sigh, both heart and mind heavy yet relived at the same time. your hand reaches up playing with the chain.
when you enter the dorm, satorus sitting up in bed. pouting.
“i just went on a walk.. did i wake you?”
“no.. just missed you— you know you shouldnt leave your future hubby all alone while hes sleeping!”
you roll your eyes, walking over to the bed and straddling him in it.
“i’m sorry, no more leaving. i promise.”
you place a soft kiss on his forehead before getting back into your spot in bed.
“let’s go back to bed, toru..”
the rest of the year follows smoothly, no hiccups with shoko or anything.
youre standing at the gates of jujutsu high, waving your diploma with your friends. when you see satoru you immediately jog over to him squealing as he picks you up.
you and satoru had a spectacular wedding, florals, vines, a glorious dress, and vows that made everyone cry. though, thats besides the fact. the marriage was strong, steady.
you had a perfect relationship, a perfect life, and yet you couldn’t help but think about shoko in the dark of the night.
you lay in bed with satoru, staring out of the window watching the city from above. everything you could dream of. he was perfect yet you still felt like you weren’t anything more than a wife even if it was far from the truth.
a soft exhale exit your lips, you shut your eyes trying to drift off.
this was stupid. a highschool reunion was stupid. all because satoru tak into someone from your class.
you stand by the bar waiting for your drink when a familiar voice rings out from behind you.
“thats definitely a rock if i’ve ever seen one.”
you turn around, seeing her, her hairs longer than it was before falling past her shoulders. your heart skips a beat just like all those years ago.
“shoko..” you whisper, reaching out to shake her hand.
“wow.. youve gotten formal.”
“i just— i thought you wouldn’t wanna talk. considering how we ended this off.. i’ve never— never really said it but.. i’m sorry.”
she rolls her eyes, raising her glass to clink against yours.
“dont sweat it, we were dumb teens.. and i guess, i guess i’m glad we didn’t workout. i’m with her now.”
she points to a tall blonde in the corner conversing with old school staff.
“yuki, is her name.. uhm. she’s great.”
your heart drops, your smile falters, nodding softly. taking in her figure, she was what you never were. secure, confident, willing to choose shoko over it all.
“dont be so sad.. i still remember our.. good times, and, honestly i’m hoping you’re more secure in yourself now. does he know?”
shoko sighs, chugging the rest of drink, she begins heading towards the front door. she turns around smiling at you.
“wanna leave for a smoke?”
