"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Some people just talk about their trips and purchases they have made abroad. I want to go much more in depth. Coming into this semester I was afraid, worried, and unaware as to what awaited me abroad. The first week in Rome was a whirlwind, we saw so many beautiful and spectacular sights I could hardly handle it. After the first week the semester just seemed to fly right by me. I think we were all thrown off when first arriving in Italy at how different the Italian lifestyle is from the American lifestyle. Once we started to learn the language and become more accustomed to the culture we felt more at home and more comfortable. One day in Italian class we started discussing language differences. At times I would get overwhelmed and think about how difficult Italian seemed. Then I realized that most Americans, me included, are not even sure how to use English correctly. How are we supposed to learn another language when we are not even sure how to use our own language properly? It was a very eye opening experience and helped me to see that although we like to think we are superior at everything we are not. You can strive for perfection but error is part of the human experience, everyone fails this is inevitable. Our ignorance and selfishness cloud our minds. We think we are superior beings compared to everyone else but this is the biggest lie we tell ourselves. God is the superior being; we are so small compared to Him.
My daily meditation once said “what counts is the change taking place in the inner sanctum of the heart.” I knew this study abroad experience would change my outlook on life and my faith life but I did not know how much discipline it wouldentail. We always try and find the easy way out. When we do this however we do not grow at all instead we lessen our potential. In order to change our hearts we must be willing to accept the challenges and discipline that comes with the task. We must recognize the desire that lies within our hearts and recognize what fills that desire. When we strive to recognize and full fill this desire each day is a new discovery and a sense of possibility arises.
A friend once told me this world does not satisfy our hunger, and our longing for love. Seek God’s love; be fed by the one who can satisfy your hunger. “God wants connection with his children. He values His response to our needs. He wants to hear our voices and sense our dependence on his strength. He wants our petitions and our praise to be a continuing conversation throughout our lives.” In his infinite wisdom he knows that we are confused. We need to dig within ourselves, and become vulnerable then the divine can filter in and see error in our way. God then can align our hearts with his purpose and our prayers are heard. Kristin Armstrong says, “our needs are met, yes, but more importantly our deepest longing is addressed - our desire for God.”
I have fallen in love with Italy and the desire and thirst for God it radiates. Being surrounded by so much beauty, history and faith is overwhelmingly incredible. When you see different saint’s tombs every weekend and explore all these churches it is hard not to grow in your faith. Writing these reflections has helped me also to see within myself God and how much I am growing just in one semester. Before coming abroad I was trying to grow in my faith but I was not as committed as I should have been. Being here I have found that I am more committed to growing in my faith. Every day my heart feels this unease, this restlessness, this longing. Every day I contemplate my fears, my unworthiness, my calling. Who I once was, and who I am now are two completely different people. Why must we make everything so complicated? Why must we worry so much, complain so much, judge so much, hate so much? Why can’t we just learn to love? The only way we learn to love is through prayer and thought. Through prayer we can give up our fears that hold us back, and lead us into temptation. I run, not from my fears but facing my fears and along the way I have opened my heart to the Divine mystery that which is God. While this Divine mystery leads us to who we are meant to be, we realize that we are also a mystery in our self. We continually change, and this is what propels the mystery of who we are. We think we know who we are one day and the next day we have no idea who we are. Although this mystery we face everyday feels like a continual battle it helps us to see and know ourselves better.
Something that really touched me was our history teacher, Francesco. He continually brought up how our generation lives in a “permanent present.” This permanent present tells us to never look back on the past and to just focus on today and the future. While it’s good to look ahead I think it is better to look back. Both looking to the future and looking to the past bring up certain feelings, certain emotions that are pleasant and unpleasant. Looking to the future can bring excitement but also worry. Looking to the past can bring happiness but also hurts and regrets. When looking at the past we tend to just focus on ourselves and who hurt us. We really should be looking at the history the past gives us and how the past has helped to form our world today. Our history is so important and should be valued as it explains the roots of our Catholic faith and the roots of society. When you think about it, the past can be a wonderful thing. It has helped to shape not only today but who we are today. Every decision that is made day by day affects the future. Let us not take for granted the lessons history has taught us and the lessons our own pasts have taught us.
When you fee unworthy remember that God doesn’t call us to perfection he calls us to repentance. To continue growing as Christians we must keep moving forward even as we fail. This repentance we are called to helps us to keep moving and reconnects us to God making our hearts continually grow. The world tells us we need certain things to be happy. You don’t NEED material things, just be content with what you have. When you think you need something look at what your intentions are. Every temptation the world throws at us such as alcohol; material things and lust leave us with impure intentions. We need to learn how to love others not for the way they make you feel but for their existence. A friend and I were taking recently about how God seems to systematically take people out of our lives until we learn how to properly love. Until we learn how to love people as they should be loved, we will never discover the true depth of the heart. Be the person God has created you to be, don’t let the world form you. If you allow this to happen, you’ll feel empty the desire for something more will not be filled. You’ll feel instant gratification but not lasting happiness. Relationships will break but this will happen every day until He places you with the right people at the right time in your life. Patience is something greatly needed throughout your life, in every way you need patience. The struggles you face you can either dwell on or you can get over and see them as challenges to help you grow.
I do not take the time to realize how blessed I am because I’m so stressed out, but I am so overwhelming grateful for this opportunity to be abroad. I know I’m excited to go home but I’m also really happy here surrounded by all this history and beauty and faith it's amazing I don't want to lose this feeling of such overwhelming faith when I come home. The experiences, the people, their way of life, their style, all the saints and churches, this hunger for God, this search for happiness. We should not, we cannot however expect to miss all of this. If we expect to miss Italy then that ruins the present moment that you could be enjoying Italy. Did anyone ever promise us anything? Then why should we expect anything? Have the mentality that tomorrow is going to be the best day of your life, and it will come true. There is no room for laziness or mediocre effort, strive to be a better person each and every day of your life. When the striving gets tough, you get tough do not let the world wear you down. People will try and tell you what to believe, what to think, how to behave. Follow your heart, be you and be free instead. People will come in and out of your life as I said in an earlier reflection and it will hurt to let some of them go. Don’t stop the hurt by trying to put them back into your life just let it be. God has a plan so much greater than you can imagine for yourself. Recently I went to a Mumford and Sons concert here in Florence, it was one of the greatest nights of my life! Their lyrics are spiritual yet even those who are not spiritual enjoy the music. The music relates and speaks to every person and it is just so moving. For me personally, their lyrics speak on a much more personal and deeper level. They remind me of the imperfect human nature and although I fail God’s love always remains.
The future is a scary thing to think about. Graduating college, graduate school, getting married, having children all exciting things we fear because the future is not fully known. This mix of fear and joy is not an easy feeling to live with. Each day we are confronted with new obstacles and challenges, that affect us and the way we react to them defines who we are and who we want to be. I know each day is a struggle for, a struggle with worrying and a feeling of overwhelming fear. I am trying to learn how to trust fully in God. It is not an easy thing when we live in a crazy world where people let you down and break you down. That’s when you learn to appreciate your close family, friends and faith. You can always count on them to make you feel better and you can always count on God to be there for you when everyone fails, including yourself.
Thank you for reading my reflections over the course of my study abroad experience. I will continue to blog when I get back to the states.
Keep me in your prayers, and say hello to your old heart
