love, lust, faith † dreams

Sonrisas. \\ Name? Maria. Age? 18. In love? yes. Gender? girl. Status? very new to tumblr.

[mariag-jonnyg]

I wanna forget about you. Even at the expense of whatever sweet and great memories we had of us. US ~~ that don't exist anymore. I wanna just forget everything we had before. If there is undo button, i would glad click it. I don't wanna know you anymore. I wanna forget all these fond memories. Cux knowing that they used to exist hurt me every single day.. The story of monkey, pig, effiel tower and dbs key. Those movies night. Fetching me on ur bike. Going to pasir ris park. Making out. Telling me about soccer. Teaching me clash of clans. Last min drilling you before exams. Our chicken rice date. Not to forget just simple chill days. You reaching me how to swim. Taking care of me when i was sick. The first time i went snorkeling. How u screamed on roller coster. Ur smiles. Phuket. Drunk sex. High sex. Clubbing. Waterfall. Just holding hands. Dicky.

[mariag-jonnyg]

It repeats and goes on.

I see u online. So I stared at my phone, Waiting and hoping to receive a reply. But no, “Online” disappeared, Messages are unreplied. And once again I just stared at the phone hoping to get reply. It repeats and goes on.

[mariag-jonnyg]

I'm really happy talking to you Jon.

[mariag-jonnyg]

On some days, I find myself repeating the same thing over and over again. —-> which is just trying to fill the void, the emptiness that’s left inside my heart.

[snorlaxatives]

Happy Valentines Day, try to love yourself as much as you want someone else to.

my english teacher (via fawun)

[mariag-jonnyg]

"You'll never fly, if you're too scared of the heights You'll never live if you're just too scared to die Everybody wants heaven... i know but darling freedom ain't free, its a long road You'll never find your place up there in the sky.. If you never say goodbye." Maybe it's true I will never find my place up there in the sky if I never say goodbye. So.. I said goodbye yesterday. Hardest goodbye ever. Day 1, (after 500 days with Jon) -Woke up kinda normal. Perhaps because I was running late, I dint have the time to feel sad. But now that im on mrt alone, I feel kinda empty. Just listening to "emotionless songs" like hardwell just trying not to feel sad or anything. I miss u Jon. Watch "endless love" last night. But as u said before many times, all these only happen in movies yeah? I love u.

[mariag-jonnyg]

I know it seem like im crying over petty stuffs.. Maybe it’s pms, But still I cant help it but to just cry, hoping that I will feel better after crying out.. Yeah I understand you’re busy.. And that even if you’re trying to end things, and im also trying to let go of you, it doesnt mean I deserve to cry on our 16th month. Im trying my best not to show that im actually very upset, but you wont even reply my messages, eveb after telling me on the phone that “I will whatsapp you.” I feel so sad..

3:08am. Im crying here.. You off your bloody last seen. All I see is my messages with double ticks. This is driving me nuts!!! I wish I can just let go of you and just break up now. Not trying to compare but other couples can meet up during cny, but you choose to spend all the available time with ur friends. Today is our 16th. Just a bit of time for me?? I know if I raise this matter, you will just brush me off and say "This is why I don't want a girlfriend."

[mariag-jonnyg]

How to even fall asleep with this fucking shitty feeling inside..

[mariag-jonnyg]

I feel so alone, I just feel like crying.. You went clubbing last night, followed this girl called Joanne on Twitter...yeahh I know it's just a harmless follow on Twitter but I can't help but feel the twist in my stomach. You off your last seen..you ain't replying either.. I feel so alone.. I told u I will keep my promise.. I plan to do so in about 2 weeks time. I just have to go thru 8th Feb and Valentine's day.. But do u even plan to keep me until then? I'm scared.. I'm still hoping somehow "Jon calling.." will appear on my phone. You said you're going to Avilla to collect ur bag, don't you plan to drop by at my place for a while? Well, I ain't in your plans anyway..

[mariag-jonnyg]

I know im losing you baby. Everyday I feel so terrible inside. You talk to girl after girl. Im so jealous you guys have so much to talk about. Your replies to her are 3-4 sentences long and vice versa, While ur reply to me just a few words. Sometimes a few lines of a few words. Everyday I find myself surviving on those happy moments we had together. One can say it’s like being optimistic. One can also say im just being dumb. Will u ever love me again like you used to love me before? Will the sparks and fire return? However the other day it felt like your feelings for me are returning. But how sure can I be? Maybe you’re just being really nice and all cux u know u want sex and it’s easy to get when im happy. Nonetheless I enjoyed the night and afternoon though. It’s nice waking up and seeing your face the first thing each and everytime I open my eyes. I love your hugs. Whenever u hug me I feel like im wanted by you. Well, to be honest I haven’t feel like im wanted for a very long time. I just feel like im a leech sticking to you and you’re just letting me stay out of…idk? good will? Yeahh anw to emphasis on what I mean by a few lines of a few words, here is an example of what u just replied me. “Hey baby Just got back Omg the bed (: (: (: Fucking tired sia” Yeap. If u were to write all together, it’s just…”Hey baby, just got back, omg the bed,(: (: (: , fucking tired sia.” See, it’s just a short sentence. Sigh. Omg Maria happy thoughts happy thoughts. I know that if I make any wrong move or cause a quarrel, im gonna hear a break up speech from you again. Well this is what I mean, im just living on happy memories...

[mariag-jonnyg]

To JonnyGoblin,

When I see this photo on Instagram, you have no idea how much I wish I'm still your princess.

[mariag-jonnyg]

Hey goblin,

How chu feeling? Im feeling a little less painful this morning when I wake up. Maybe cux I see ur msges on whatsapp and u called me in the morning. Haha. I hope you're feeling okayy too Jon.(:

Maria

[mariag-jonnyg]

I think I know my problem. Im just scared of being alone.

[mariag-jonnyg]

Causes of Paranoid Personality Disorder

Researchers today don’t know what causes paranoid personality disorder. There are many theories, however, about the possible causes of paranoid personality disorder. Most professionals subscribe to a biopsychosocial model of causation — that is, the causes of are likely due to biological and genetic factors, social factors (such as how a person interacts in their early development with their family and friends and other children), and psychological factors (the individual’s personality and temperament, shaped by their environment and learned coping skills to deal with stress). This suggests that no single factor is responsible —rather, it is the complex and likely intertwined nature of all three factors that are important. If a person has this personality disorder, research suggests that there is a slightly increased risk for this disorder to be “passed down” to their children.

[mariag-jonnyg]

Because they are hypervigilant for potential threats, they may act in a guarded, secretive, or devious manner and appear to be “cold” and lacking in tender feelings. Although they may appear to be objective, rational, and unemotional, they more often display a labile range of affect, with hostile, stubborn, and sarcastic expressions predominating. Their combative and suspicious nature may elicit a hostile response in others, which then serves to confirm their original expectations.

Because individuals with Paranoid Personality Disorder lack trust in others, they have an excessive need to be self-sufficient and a strong sense of autonomy. They also need to have a high degree of control over those around them. They are often rigid, critical of others, and unable to collaborate, and they have great difficulty accepting criticism.

[mariag-jonnyg]

I wish I can pull through this.. I wish I have the strength.. I can’t keep wishing.. Reality is harsh. Reality is when the first boy you thought cared for u a lot and was your everything, and he just dumped you on Christmas Eve. Reality is when you never learn from mistakes, get close to another boy, believe in his words “You’re the love of my life.” “I love you so much Maria.” and bang! he left 30 hours before the trip to Lombok. That is reality. The reality is not lying on white sandy beach with Jon, playfully tease him and mess his hair. The reality is not having a candlelight dinner by the sunset with the one who calls you the love of his life. I wish I have the strength to pull through all of this. Yeah, I will have the strength. Well, in time, this too shall pass. It hurts so much. So so so much. My head is pounding a rhythm. Painkillers I took weren’t effective. Reality isn’t having someone who will write you letters. Reality isn’t having someone who will lower his ego down and call you back a few more times. Reality isn’t doing a photo collage with Jon. Reality isn’t piecing up the jig saw or building an Eiffel tower. Well these are what I wished for and I couldnt turn them into reality. And now I will never have the chance anymore.. I wish I value more to him.. Not just a cheap whore that he “loved” over 60 times. Maybe the luck is just in me, to be just left. Well shouldn’t be so much of a big deal right? It’s just another rotten Christmas. Maria you’ve gone thru this before. I know you will have the strength.. Well the reality is your boyfriend, your bestfriend, your lover had left you. Maybe you aint meant to be loved at all in the first place. You were just meant to be made love.

-M

[mariag-jonnyg]

Maybe I'm not right for you. "Behind every successful man is a woman." I'm sorry I couldnt be that woman. I wish I am though. I really am. I wish too that we are so happy with our lifes and we smile and laugh every day. You know, just teenagers being madly in love?