continuing my concurrent firefly wedding reread in both english and japanese! posting about chapters 6-9 this time. lots of character analysis and a few little translation things.
man i love how shinpei has been watching this whole time, but specifically waits until nitobe declares that he'll protect satoko that it sets shinpei off. like the way that it's just such an immediate follow-up to the conversation he had with her about how he's the only one who can protect her...
AND then the way that he specifically reacts and is about to attack nitobe when he reaches up to touch satoko's hands when she covers his eyes (to stop him from seeing shinpei)..... tbh with his declaration of him not wanting nitobe to lay a single finger on her, i'm surprised he wasn't going to attack him already when he took satoko's hands? but maybe he was only waiting because of the offer to buy her out, since that was part of their plan. it was just continuing to physically interact with satoko beyond that he couldn't abide...
lksjdgjlsj i get get over how childish he sounds too when he's begging satoko to let him stay in the room. something in particular about the way he's like, "i promise i won't kill him!!!" this dark thing paired him being a literal child about this. it's!!! genuinely something i find so interesting about him, the way that he's functioning as an assassin but feels so immature in so many ways. i really find it hard to imagine being raised with more regular socialization on the island, honestly? in a lot of areas...
absolutely dying at the fact that he wIPES SATOKO'S HANDS BECAUSE NITOBE TOUCHED THEM
aaaaaaa okay this line in english is "he's not the one who will protect you. it's me" but in japanese there's a stronger emphasis on it being shinpei's role/duty specifically to protect satoko, which i feel hearkens back to him being a tool for her to use
man the reveal with satoko's scar... i really wonder exactly the type of surgery she had. some kind of open heart surgery, but to achieve what, i wonder. in general i really need to refresh myself on the symptoms she would have... i have a lot of serious health problems myself, so i really enjoy writing disabled characters, and would want to do her justice.
but god the way that nitobe manages to really cut right at satoko in this scene. calling the scar ugly, then calling it fatal to a woman to have such an ugly scar... talking about the way it would make a man feel to look at it.
actually, i'm thinking about the way that satoko tries her best to present herself and carry herself with such dignity (particularly before coming to the island), and i wonder if that's partially out of compensating for how her body makes her feel. not just in terms of symptoms (or how she feels like a burden), but the indelible mark. the scar, but even her being unhappy when shinpei comments on how light she is (because for her it's a sign of bad health). being sick, and particularly being that sick, really can make you feel disgusting to others.
thinking about the differing priorities when nitobe agrees to buy satoko out versus when shinpei agrees to marry her. nitobe (at least his other personality) is exclusively focused on her connections to kirigaya house and her looks. right from the get-go shinpei (even before he seems genuinely attracted to satoko) only agrees after he sees her as accepting who he is on some level, and is not interested in the connections (or money) at all.
hm. small translation thing here. in english nitobe talks about the problem prostitutes at the brothel that satoko is at, and he says, "women with a man in their hearts." but in japanese he's actually referring to women who planned on participating in a double suicide with a man who was already married. not sure why that part got cut out of the english translation.
godddd okay the way that he's referring to satoko too when he says "defective merchandise", and the way it just reduces her to an object again. something to be bartered and traded. unpersoned.
okay i do also love that in this situation she's technically found a man who suits the criteria she has to appease her father (good title), she's decided she won't settle for this even if she doesn't have a choice. even if this is her only way off the island. it's!! a good moment of satoko finally choosing something for herself. there's also really something about her still having the guts to refuse him despite being threatened with sexual assault in this scene. being in this impossible situation and yet still refusing to back down from her ideals. there's a lot going on with her autonomy but she's really strong-willed in this scene... and again, her making this choice despite the coercion.
it's also interesting to me that her criteria is so focused on title to offset her so-called burden to the family, but her father himself sounds like... he mostly just wants her to be happy? it sounds like it's satoko who, out of obligation, feels she has to raise the bar for who is acceptable...
but then, in the next line of thought she has to herself, she's still phrasing it as though her father wouldn't be happy with this!! rather than satoko, herself!! and that's when she doubles down refusing nitobe!! aaaaaaa the way she is so ruled by her perceived debt to her father... i can appreciate why she is the way she is, but there's something about the way she just won't allow herself to make decisions just for her own sake. satoko!!!!
GODDDD and the way that he says that she's the most defective merchandise of them all by virtue of being ill.
honestly kind of amazed that shinpei managed to stay away from the scene for even this long. i do love that he only did stay away for as long as he did because she commanded it; something something the way that he feels like an attack dog with her and it's so good. (a poorly-trained one at this point as he does not listen to her when he continues trying to kill nitobe.)
mannnn i honestly love the way that shinpei specifically refers to satoko as his wife here. the uncontested claim on her as his just feels like such a power play against nitobe. plus also just, the re-assertion of his relationship with satoko in the face of what he's seeing play out in front of him. (particularly some other man trying to make claims on her.)
mannn the way that after shinpei gets shot, nitobe makes a threat to kill satoko if shinpei gets any closer, but that doesn't stop her from trying to struggle out of his grasp to reach shinpei!!!! the way that it's like... yes her moving closer to shinpei is not necessarily part of nitobe's threat, but her life is the one being threatened? but she is so much more concerned about shinpei's life rather than her own. despite this!! being a person who she has a really complicated relationship with. the way that in many ways she continues to be so willing to prioritize others before herself... even the way she values her own life is more to do with the potential value of it for other people (her father), rather than for herself.
actually, i think this scene might be the first time she actually uses shinpei's name? before she usually uses ăăŽäşş (that person/that man) or 掺ăĺą (killer)...
god, after shinpei gets shot and it switches to the brothel owner talking to one of the employees... i love how unclear it is who exactly said not to go into nitobe's room no matter what until you see the shot of shinpei standing back up. that while he didn't orchestrate it, he was anticipating a situation like this in which he could prove his usefulness. that he could protect satoko again and make her love him more... it's also clear because of the calm of the brothel owner. he knows shinpei and knows that he can protect people. i think if nitobe requested it he wouldn't be so calm.
losing my mind at this entire page, honestly. like. not to say that shinpei is playing up the pain of being shot. but somehow he is managing to play up the pain from getting shot. JUST TO GET SATOKO'S ATTENTION AND TO PROVE HIS LOVE FOR HER. and again throwing around that he's her husband!! making these very strong claims to satoko being his wife!! god the way he also emphasizes just how far he'll go. i don't necessarily think he got shot on purpose here, but i absolutely think he would get himself injured on purpose if it would get her attention and affection. because that proves how far he would go for her, right? and her doting on him in return would be a confirmation of her affections for him. the way there is just so much potential for it to create this violent feedback loop to get satoko's affections...
GODDDD this scene where he talks about doing everything for satoko. also how it confirms that he was SPECIFICALLY waiting for satoko to make up her mind about whether or not to have her freedom bought!! it's especially interesting to me the way he was erring on satoko rejecting this guy no matter what. (because she has him, obviously. because he already was beginning to object to this.) but it also means he was watching what was happening and was waiting until he heard that confirmation, even through nitobe starting to undress her, degrading her... i can only imagine what he was thinking at that time.
but also just!!! the way that he's proving his love to her through his actions and inactions. i love how he also includes that he didn't try to kill nitobe, even though he very much seemed like he was continuing to try and kill nitobe. (it's very possible he could have continued even without satoko getting out of the way.) he's so!!!! attack dog here it's incredible. the loyalty he tries to display through it all.
also GOD i love how satoko does not lose sight of the situation at hand despite everything and manages to wrangle the gun from nitobe. love her not just being a damsel in this scene despite everything. how she still manages to have agency throughout and isn't saved just by shinpei, but also through her own actions.
the way that realizing she hit shinpei hard enough to make him bleed sends satoko into a panic, but he immediately switches modes so he can be pampered by her...
i also love him bringing up her using the handkerchief again, as if making a reference to the first time she wiped the blood from his face... also the way that he makes a bigger deal of this little wound (possibly for this reason and the attention to his face) moreso than the gunshot wound he very much has...
and i love how she indulges him anyway.
i also love how his plan to get satoko to like him more also backfires completely!! her flatly telling him that it didn't work!! but that then she clarifiesâit's not that it didn't make her like him more, but she takes issue with his methods. i love her very clearly laying out that while he helped her, doing this in this way did not make her happy. it's interesting also that she says this is the case not just for when he's doing something for her, but for anyone. which puts interesting limitations on his job as a killer! if he wants to make her happy, he essentially cannot continue doing what he does.
this is a really interesting scene where she is recognizing the culture he's grown up in and works in, and attempts to teach him these absolute basics for interactions, like "hitting people is bad" (also consider not killing them). it again makes me think back to the fact that his mother died when he was really young, and the first person he killed was the person who killed her. the way he grew up without being socialized like other people might be...
i like how shinpei does seem to really be listening in this scene, but he's especially affected by when she shifts focus to how he should conduct himself when he's injured. he's so full of scars that i doubt anyone has ever been really concerned for him before. especially when we see how everyone else broadly acts like he's unkillable and takes him for granted.
i love him immediately hooking into that and asking her if that means she doesn't want him to die, and then her absolutely refusing to answer. it's not something worth answering to her, but to him it's again that confirmation of her affections if she says no... or frankly it might be a confirmation of her affections even if she says yes if it's to die for her. he's so!!!!! ........lonely, i guess.
even though we see how other people act with him, it's like... okay he's a killer for hire, so in that context he's a tool. he's prized for that and nothing else. the brothels and prostitutes like him because he keeps the prostitutes safe. it's again a transaction and an extension of his ability to be a weapon. he does have relationships, but we see that they're shallow. in particular with the one prostitute, he even says how she never meant anything to him. he just has sex with her. he says what people want to hear in a relationship because that's what's expected (to get what you want). again, a transaction. we also know he's had to kill women who can't handle what he does for a living when he tries to tell them. it just doesn't sound like he's had any kind of a relationship with anyone that goes beyond a transaction of some kind, or where he can just be... himself? rather than a version of himself he creates for other people. interestingly, the version of himself as a killer is probably truest to who he is, because then at least he has nothing to hide. so it makes sense that meeting satoko while he was already operating in that mode created the best opportunity to actually connect with him... and all of this explains why being accepted by someone is so important to him.
and again, how he's lonely. it's no wonder he's so desperate for satoko's affections and why no one else will do.
goddd this scene where she shows shinpei her scar. of her own volition, also!!! but i love that it's a thing she's been sensitive of her whole life, and how the scene with nitobe was so mortifying and awful, only for shinpei to try and cheer her up by comparing with the scars on his own body... and then satoko who is SO private and who get so shy about her body actually shows it to him. it's so good.
satoko coughing up blood. god i wonder when the reality of the severity of satoko's illness is going to hit him. when he made light of it before now...
love satoko also being referred to as a tool by her step-mother... the way that both satoko and shinpei experience this.
thinking about satoko very consciously choosing to share something personal with shinpei when she tells him about her nightmare, and about how she grew up with her health.
godddd the line about setting satoko free. the way it's both about making her feel like she's not just trapped in a room (by bringing the outside in) but also makes her sound like those same fireflies he just released.
i love how this scene also seems to be where she starts thinking much more favourably about shinpei.
the way that after the firefly dies on shinpei's fingers, again satoko ends up relating to the fireflies with their short lives and releases them, so at least they don't have to be trapped in this room like she does... i love the way she keeps relating to these things with short lifespans.
man this is such an interesting line. "without killing, i'd have nothing left." in japanese it's like... "if you take killing away from me, i'd have nothing left." it's not like the meaning is dramatically different, but i feel like it emphasizes that there is something about the action of killing that is at his core of who he is. which... again, i think, shows how important it was that he specifically met satoko when he was already in that mode as a killer. it really is who he sees as his true self...
and then shinpei asking satoko about what she really wants... i think it's interesting that she dodges the question and redirects to ask more about shinpei, again going back to working as a killer.
i also really like that he brings up how he doesn't have any attachment to the island. it's no wonder that satoko nails him on wanting to escape.
god this whole convo is so interesting. shinpei talking about it felt good to kill the man who killed his mother. it's honestly hard to judge how he really feels about things, but it does sound to him like... killing is one of his few pleasures? i always imagine the things he enjoys in life feel really... transient. killing, for one. having sex. shallow relationships... it all feels really... catered to physical desire, i guess? all of it visceral. i keep trying to picture more of shinpei's life on the island, but it's difficult.
and then this part where he asks if satoko thinks he's pathetic. in english, afterwards, he says, "if so, then comfort me." in japanese it's more or less the same, just slightly more direct. "if so, then i want you to comfort me!" voicing a want, not a command.
and then this part where satoko accuses him of fooling himself. god she's so intuitive about these things. he really does always play up these things, or even when it seems like he's taking it more seriously, he shifts into that playful mode again so he doesn't have to address how he actually feels about anything... he really is unhappy.
and then this line!! about becoming free and escaping together!!! god.
i love how satoko's gotten so much more comfortable physically with shinpei... again, she's so sensitive about these things, and she's had so little experience interacting with men. but in this scene she even offers to help him with his bandages (knowing that he's playing up that they're difficult), in part because she wants to reward him somehow for what he does for her... it's such a contrast to the bath scene earlier on.
satoko asking him if there's anything else she can do... it's interesting how she's still strongly in this transactional mindset. to me it feels again like it's an extension of how all her life she's felt like she's a burden to people, so she has to make up for this somehow... i love how in shinpei saying he doesn't need anything in return, it has the potential to make their relationship stop being (so) transactional? obviously they still want things from each other, but i think it still introduces the potential of a different relationship dynamic than satoko has typically known. i think at this point material things are still what she's most comfortable with, and that's obviously the case because she still agrees to bandage him if he gets injured again.
i also love her knowing that he absolutely WOULD get himself injured on purpose for her attention, and immediately tells him to not let himself get injured. SHINPEI...
YES, THIS!!!! being a burden. exactly. god the way she thinks so lowly of herself. always searching for something to be of value to others... in japanese it doesn't use "burden" here specifically so much as feeling like she'll become... troublesome? but the intent is still the same.
goddd the way that this feels like an indirect answer to satoko's fears about not being able to do enough for shinpei.
man this line where shinpei talks about how all the girls he's carried like being called light, and it suddenly clicks for her that this is a thing he Just Says. i think it stands out to her especially because of her health, being light is tied to being unhealthy. but also shinpei's emphasis on how he's said this to so many girls...
and then this part where she realizes shinpei doesn't love her, not really. that he would be happy with anyone who accepted him... he might want her love, but his understanding of his own love is incorrect. i really, strongly feel like he just doesn't have the framework to understand it (yet), in large part because of how he was socialized.
goddd satoko asking if he even understands love. the way she links his lack of understanding of love with his being a killer. in her thoughts she's acknowledging how these things are absurd, and it's clear that she's panicking like this specifically because she's realized that shinpei doesn't actually love her like he thinks he does. and it's clearly actually upsetting to her to realize this. she was starting to like his love for her. only to understand it isn't what she thought it was...
the way that satoko cannot answer what love is when pressed by shinpei. the way she continues to panic because she realizes that she also doesn't have a good understanding of love. that all her life love has never been a priority, never something she had to consider in a marriage...
god and shinpei not understanding why she's upset. i really wonder how much of this part of the conversation he followed, particularly because of her jumbled accusations... i do feel like at the heart of it that she's correct: he does not love her like he thinks he does. he wants to be accepted. he wants to be loved by satoko. he certainly wants her love and wants to be used by her. but what he feels towards her isn't love yet. i feel like she just got a taste of him going through the motions of saying what girls want to hear and now it all just feels fake to her. so it really does feel like he has to prove himself all over again to her...
THE WAY HE GETS so insecure and upset so instantly AGAIN once she makes a threat to the marriage. again resorting to making her feel guilty, to threatening to kill her after allâ
god it's so fascinating to me. like. again. i really do firmly believe he doesn't have a proper conception of what most people would consider love. but at the same time he's still so needy for her affections, of being used by her (so that he has value to her), the promise of a life that has something better... he's obviously trying his best to manipulate her here, but you also feel the sheer desperation he feels at the idea of having that taken away from him.
and satoko doesn't buy it. i love that she's in close quarters with this assassin who could effortlessly kill her and she just brushes him off. it makes their dynamic feel much more equal!! and again, like she's still calling the shots despite everything. that she still has agency. and it works!! he leaves her. because of course he'll still obey her. and it does kick him out of his tantrum, and make him feel like maybe the reason she's not answering him properly is because she has to rest first. but he's still clearly stressing over it and feeling rejected.
also trying to understand shinpei's perspective on what love is. love is being a weapon? love is being used by the person you love. love is saying whatever the person you love wants to hear. love is being willing to kill for the person you love. love is being willing to do anything to protect the person you love. love cannot be separated from being a weapon.
also god i hit the image limit on this somehow ljskdgljlj so many thoughts about these chapters. i wrote a lot but genuinely if anyone has differing perspectives or anything to add i am so happy to hear it and talk about it












