[mariakatipunera]

trying to slide back into someone's life is so hard (i mean, he also wants to but how have we become this time-deprived after just a year of not talking) 😔

[mogblin]

the thing about job searching is i see all these job postings and im like i dont wanna do any of this for any of you

[mariakatipunera]

But but but I do have some takeaways from my 3 months of trying to date someone seriously:

I can not and as in CAN NOT stand talking to someone all day everyday. First, we're both adults. Wala ka bang trabaho? Wala ka bang deliverables? Why are you tryna talk to me at 2pm on a work day??

Getting update by someone is meh. Everyday for three-ish months, the guy I dated would message me something like "Sorry di na kita na-message bago pumasok, nagmamadali kasi" or "sa gym na" and sa isip ko lang the entire time was "who cares?" because honestly, I did not. Like, wala talagang pake kung nasan siya. If he messaged me at some point in the day then safe to say he's alive.

Updating someone was even worse. I really don't do anything other than work and then lay in bed so having to tell someone everyday na "hey i'm working na" was so tedious. Parang dumagdag pa sa trabaho ko. (I still did it though but it never stopped feeling weird)

Dating with the intention of a long term relationship was so much pressure. I don't even have an explanation for this, parang ang unnatural lang sa feeling to have someone expect things from meor like make me feel like I need to be constantly around.

2 out of 10 experience, won't be trying that again until maybe next year

[mariakatipunera]

Hello sa 800+ na hindi nag-unfollow kahit pasulpot-sulpot lang ako dito :> I just had a job interview (di naman ako unemployed ok) and it's made me nostalgic wow and arte putangina but anyway, some life updates because it's been a while:

I'm 28 now, it's quite surreal that I started Tumblr when I was still in high school and have been here (on and off kasi wala lang, I touched some grass haha) since then. I took a quick peak at my archives tapos hala ang dami ko palang kabalastugang pinaggagawa in my younger years HAHA

I work in PR now, agency life ganon. It's been fun (I want to end myself like 75% of the time but that's just me being dramatic). I probably can't and shouldn't talk about it out of fear of my digital footprint getting back to my employers / clients / colleagues.

I'm still not dating and it's been like four or five years? I did try dating a few weeks ago, mga a little under 3-ish months pero wala talaga eh. The emotional unavailability is strong in this one.

I'm still a bit of a hoe pero it's been toned down a lot. My frontal lobe developing has really helped me realize which decisions are better off not being made. I'm also tired all the time. And the dating / hook up pool is terrible. 9 out of 10 do not recommend.

I'm really into anime and manga now, but I'm too scared of being judged because of it so my mind is constantly calculating if I'm hot enough for it to be a quirky cool girl thing or if I'm just a weeb.

My gym closed down half a year ago and it wasted months of my gym subscription. I literally paid for that shit oh my god but I did pole dancing for a year and I've been doing aerial hoop for like 7 months. It's been fun - I still can't do a push up to save my life and I'm constantly bruised and I have rope burn on my calf right now.

Tapos guys atin-atin lang 'to pero di na yata bumalik ng Tumblr yong Tumblr crush ko rip fond memories na lang or whatever hahahaha

[mariakatipunera]

Wow it's been a while. Last night I had my guts rearranged by the guy I like and who rejected me a week ago. It was bomb. I realize i still gravitate towards people and things I can't have and if there's one thing I learned in the X years I've liked and lost and thought the world was gonna end after such a loss only to look back and think "wow that was an overexaggeration on my part, wasn't it?", it's to hold things (and people) with a loose grip.

[mariakatipunera]

Any requirements to be one of your closest friend/fubu?

Have one of the friends i trust vouch for you lol

[mariakatipunera]

Smoooth. See you Thirst Trap Thursday 3000!

By 3000 do u mean in the year 3000??? Bc ure right

[mariakatipunera]

When pa last hook up mo?

Exactly a week ago my fubu came over, does that count

[mariakatipunera]

hi it's the first week that i won't see my fubu since i'm out of town tapos he texted me last night to update abt game night and uhh tinext niya ba ako kasi miss niya na ako? hahahaha charot lang, asa naman tong si ate girl niyo tapos dahil saan? sa no strings attached na relationship? that's great, what could possibly go wrong :))))

[mariakatipunera]

Are you down to take someone's virginity?

Parang recipe for bad sex ata yan

[mariakatipunera]

What are the things or the requirements i have to do for me to get that one time fuck with ya?

idk, get one of my friends to vouch for you HAHA

[existential-celestial]

Rainer Maria Rilke in his letter to Franz Kappus, 16 July 1903, featured in Letters to a Young Poet (edited translation by Charlie Louth)

[mariakatipunera]

i don't know how to close the door on love. there's a moon crater-sized hole that i find whenever i dig deep into myself. it's empty but it remembers how it once felt to be full. it remembers the collision and how for a moment it seemed like the world would end, right then and there. like we couldn't possibly survive this crash, this meteor that seemed to creep slowly, so slowly, until it was right in front of your face. i let people tell me about their childhood and how they forget to eat sometimes and can't get out of the bed and how they don't know how it feels to love without also hurting. i hold their hand, rub their back, and ask them to tell me more. it's ok, i want to know more. and it's funny because i would never tell them that i feel the same way. because that's not me, that's not the kind of fun and flirty girl you'd take out to farmer's markets or brunch, or that you'd fall in love with after a couple of months. i'm lighthearted and smart and well-read and i watch horror movies and eat spicy food for the thrill of it. and i sometimes break into tears in the shower because i don't know if i really exist and if i do exist why do i exist only to be like this but i'll never tell you that. instead i'll tell you about how once i almost had a threesome with some friends and how i had a bit of a wild side and i could tell you more if you have the time.

[carpethedamndiem]

- Mary Oliver, "Don't Hesitate" from Devotions

[inkipri]

comic about this thing i do where i push everything i want away and once it's far far away i want it very very bad

[mariakatipunera]

i've been lonely for quite the long time. not because no one's around, no. if anything, i've never been this not alone in years. if i had to describe it, it's the kind of lonely that happens when you have too many things to say and no one to say them to. when i walk through the streets and see a black-and-white-spotted cat, making its bed under the cracks of light between houses, rubbing it's face and purring as if to say "ah what a long day, i'm so glad to be home". when i'm in the grocery aisle and see the most perfectly shaped oranges in the mound, plump and round, so round it's as if they were carefully, lovingly drawn by an artist's hand, so painstakingly careful that even the tremors in their hand couldn't have made a flaw on this work of art. when i see a new netflix show with an actor that i could've sworn looks like someone i've seen before and i rack my brain for who ("is it someone i know? another actor? maybe a friend?) when what i really want to do is point it out to someone else. so many of these small, seemingly insignificant moments that want to reach someone who isn't there. i want to give them a eulogy, to say "hey i noticed you, this thing, this small, seemingly insignifacnt moment, i was there and it was beautiful and it mattered" but no one's there to hear.

[mariakatipunera]

They say that when you stop doing something long enough, it eventually leaves your memory. Sometimes, I think that's how love is. I haven't loved anyone in a while. There's a profound clarity that comes from not loving. I see everything I've done, in the name of love or that cheap imitation of love, as if it's a car crash and I'm a bystander looking from the side of the road. It's ugly and there's blood and metal everywhere and I can't look away. Most of the time, I'm relieved. I stand over the corpse and think, thank god this person is gone. This person is dead. They're suffering is done. But, other times, when I lie awake at night, the love I have to give feels like a phantom limb. I feel it, pulsing, grasping for anything and nothing, even though it no longer exists. On nights like that, I wonder if even hurting is better than this. I remind myself thar it's only a moment of weakness. And it doesn't take long to push it down again.