I'm going to go on a mini rant here because Tumblr feels like the only place I can say this.
I'm currently dealing with very conflicting thoughts here. I've spent over a month waiting to get my first prescription of testosterone filled because the pharmacy has been out, and I had to switch to a different pharmacy altogether. I have anticipated this day for years, yet I can't help but feel bad.
Over the years, I've experienced countless bullying and harassment. I'm used to it. But now, I get the feeling that wanting to exist as my true self is inherently bad simply because I'm a man. As time goes on, I'm being told I am being misogynistic, perpetuating patriarchal stereotypes, and that I am a "traitor" to women everywhere. And it hurts.
To want to exist without pain, with true freedom, should not be a crime. To want to be happy and comfortable in my own body, should not be a crime.
I have waited years and years to have the chance to be myself, and now that I finally have the chance, I can't help but worry it's going to change everything. Yes, my friends know I'm trans, but who actually views me that way?
I correct people all the time on pronouns and gendered phrases, yet it seems to still not get through people's heads. I am still told "when you become a guy" or "you want to be a guy" and not simply treated as one now. I am told that relationships will be hard and that sex will be harder because of who I am. My own mother thinks I shouldn't engage in any romance or sex until I've "fully transitioned." Upon explaining that I'd probably never get bottom surgery, I was then told I'd never be fully transitioned, and that I'd be wasting my time trying to be with anyone.
My entire closest friend group is all girls, and I worry that once my body starts changing, I won't be a part of their group anymore. Once I'm unable to take cute, quirky movie theater bathroom selfies with everyone, once my voice changes, once I grow facial hair. I'll be different to them. Maybe they'll finally see me as a man. Maybe they'll just see me as some sort of freak.
I watch Heartstopper, and I think "maybe my friends could accept me that easily," but then I remember that Heartstopper is simply TV, and I live in the real world, where being yourself can often lead to isolation and severed friendships.
I'm still me. I am the same art making, musical loving, fanfiction writing, DND nerd everyone knows and loves. I've been out for 8 years. Being on hormones won't change who I am, but simply my appearance. It's those things that I wish my friends and family would understand. Everyone is accepting and supporting until you take steps to be your true self. Then, it gets tricky and messy, and lonely. And it's not fun. And im a little tired.
I wish I had trans friends. I wish I had true support and love all around me. I wish I felt better. I wish this wasn't all so complicated.
