Maria Guin

Guin. Intolerably stupid. Disordered mind. Words as drugs. I know what I am,but know not what I may be.

[mariawalrus]

I miss receiving poems.

[mariawalrus]

Was I taken for granted?

Was I too easy?

Was I wrong for giving my all?

With no reservations, with nothing left for myself

[humansofnewyork]

“If I’m away too long, he’ll come find me.  Even if I’m just upstairs watching my program on television, he’ll wander up to see what I’m doing.  And we’re always holding hands.  Even if we’re just sitting on the train or the bus, he’ll always find some way to touch me.  Just to let me know he’s right there.  That he got me.  He might not even notice that he’s doing it.  But I always do.”

[buttonpoetry]

“It is our memories that make us who we are. The rest of us have to cling to them like life vests or hope.”

— Jared Singer, from Forgive Yourself These Tiny Acts of Self-Destruction

[mariawalrus]

Give me strength, Lord.

[mariawalrus]

12/19/19

4:59 AM

I want to talk to my boyfriend. I always complain to him and I'm afraid he'll get tired of it. And he's tired of work also.

I want to talk to my bestfriend. She's busy with her exams. I can't talk to her just yet.

I want to talk to Mama. She's busy with Papa's case right now.

I want to talk to my siblings. I don't want to make them get all worried and think that I'm weak. I've always been the strength of the family.

I want to talk to myself. I am tired.

I want to talk to Papa. He's in Heaven now.

[mariawalrus]

I'm tired...can't smile anymore...can't fake it too.

[mariawalrus]

12/19/20

4:25 AM

I can't remember the last time I had an 8-hr uninterrupted sleep. Fck. And now I'm already awake even at this hour...even if I'm exhausted. I'm so tired...

Why don't I get enough sleep?

[mariawalrus]

11/30/19

Another fun day with Langga!

Can't seem to imagine life without him. Please keep him safe and healthy always, Lord. I really treasure this man.

[mariawalrus]

When you left us, it was so painful I thought I won't be able to survive. And now, six months after you're gone, the pain is still there and intensifies more and more each day. I feel so sad because you aren't there to give me advice right now.

I feel so lost, Papa. I feel trapped. I feel like I'm stuck. You've always been my motivator to strive more...to always dream bigger. I do not have that passion anymore. Please help me, Papa.

[sunsetquotes]

“The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.”

— Ritu Ghatourey

[mariawalrus]

Langga 💛

[mariawalrus]

"I wrote a list of things I love just in case you go."

1. The moon

2. The rays of light passing through the trees

3. The smell of earth when raining

4. The sea

5. The bus rides

6. Shawarma

7. John Lemon

8. Before Sunrise Trilogy

9. Tom Hanks

10. The Beatles

11. John Mayer

12. Reading novels

13. Pride and Prejudice

14. Yellow

15. Pocari Sweat

16. Menudo

17. Tinolang Bisayang Manok

18. Daisies

19. Yellow Bell

20. How Deep is Your Love

21. My family

22. My bestfriend

23. Papa

24. Movie marathons

25. Going inside bookstores

26. The smell of old books

27. Spaghetti

28. Gulaman

29. Hand-written letters

30. Muncher

31. You

[mariawalrus]

I love how the side of your eyes folds when you smile.

I love how your loud laugh echoes through the room.

I love your macho dance moves.

I love the sound of your heartbeat.

I love how you embrace me at night.

I love the warmth of your hug.

I love how your craziness matches mine.

I love how carefree and crazy I am when I am with you.

I love how you always make me feel safe.

I love how I am so at home with you.

I love the way you love me.

I love you.

[mariawalrus]

I woke up today missing you, Papa.

[mariawalrus]

I Know

The sole reason why I love watching romantic movies is that at least at some point in my life, for just an hour or two, I would know how it feels to be loved and to love. With all the wet tissues after or maybe a dreamy night of imagining the ‘what ifs’ should my story be the same as what I just watched. It just doesn’t come knocking at my door, romance. But I have faith on the day it will. Many a people say its timing is perfect. Well, perfect or not, least expected or not, who cares. The important thing is that it will come.  

I can’t help but wonder when this hopelessness will end. The only thing that I’m afraid of is this not ending. I’m afraid that I won’t get the chance of feeling what other people have. I’m afraid of not having experienced receiving a flower or a letter or a chocolate. I’m afraid of not having someone to share my dreams with. I’m afraid of not seeing and touching a face I know will never leave my memory even when I die. I am afraid of being afraid and not having someone give me the end of all these fears.

I have searched for so long. But I realized that the more I search, the more it keeps on hiding. So now I’m just waiting. I never know when I will meet the right one. Maybe on a coffee shop with a feel good music and him asking if he can share a seat with me. We’ll then talk about a lot of stuff and discover that we share a lot in common. Or maybe in a busy street we’ll bump into each other and lock our eyes with one another’s and just feel that connection. The fate isn’t for me to hold, I know. Every night I pray he’ll come. May it be in a manner I imagined or not, I just pray he’ll come.

I envy those who have found themselves the person they’ve all been waiting to come after a long wait. But how can other people end their relationships. It would be silly if the reason is the love was just gone. Love never withers. I know. For a fact. It’s just two people finding themselves in a situation where they don’t know what is and what’s not. Two people who chose love to not stay even if they can let it. For love to not stay is a choice. And it is also a choice to let it.

Certainly, when I get the chance of experiencing all the things I hoped for, I will never waste all the prayers and nights dreaming for love to come. Letting it go would be a folly. Letting love go would be.A lot search for love as do I. Also, a lot waste the chance they are given. Silly how the world works, how love works. But for now, let me wait. And wait. And be happy. 

[mariawalrus]

Four years later, I met the man who would be my first. And I couldn't be any happier. To have met someone whom I don't find difficult to get on the same wavelength with...someone whose 'kabuangon' complements mine...someone whose love I know is true...someone who always assures me of his love. I love you, Palangga 💛 And I'm so happy for us. Let's continue to build each other up.

[mariawalrus]

Look how far we've come, my baby 🎶

[mariawalrus]

08/20/19 💛