Daydreamin'

Marielle Joy | 12/21 | Good vibes and happy times | UCSD C/O 2016

[phattygirls]

[kngshxt-deactivated20180831]

how the fuck was this only 6 seconds???

[mariellejoy]

I WANT THIS PLAYED AT MY WEDDING

[678i0u]

narrator: she was not fine

[jrmeriales]

I miss you, but i'd rather not bother you.

[mariellejoy]

I rarely *NEVER* post selfies on my feed, but like felt felt cute so ✌ #quarantinelife #staytfhome https://www.instagram.com/p/B-vaEjxHBhLCAyNGZ1h-DFY5JAUObr-TRQMBC40/?igshid=z5ahhk9osn6z

[mariellejoy]

It's gonna be a lot of throwback pics, but I guess this is just me venting. It's been about 4 days since I've gotten home to Menifee since school's online for the rest of the semester. Last week, I got a cough that's not alarming (no fever or shortness of breath), but enough to scare me from going home. I've literally quarantined myself up in my room (and will probably stay like this for another week or 2) cuz I'm terrified of carrying this stupid virus and giving it to my mom. The world's stopping for a reason and we make the sacrifices we do for our loved ones, so to see people complaining about social/public places closing down or not taking this seriously... 🖕🖕🖕 #stayhome https://www.instagram.com/p/B98jsDon2XbJ8PDz8Pvd_CAvxyznj7y2lJ5MM80/?igshid=1ryk6zctgczm4

[mariellejoy]

Timeless and Priceless #mbkuwinterformal2020 (at Westridge Golf Club) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7P9Tn0nlFvRdFZ6HEGPqLkOiPwyjCMA5_XuBY0/?igshid=orgz520v4yb4

[mariellejoy]

Please be good to me, 26. p.s. swipe to see the mood for the past 22 years 📸: @boba_chi #birthday (at Menifee, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B6cgMGbHF_r5s5kNwZVUMLetoHTyx3LwtafXwU0/?igshid=189rggiqmj2z6

[mariellejoy]

October is American Pharmacists Month and Filipino American History Month. I was going to write this big long thing about how the latter has shaped me into the former. How my family teaches me the importance of preserving language, cultures, and traditions, despite the current climate. And how to grow beyond the stereotypes. But in order to do that, yall needa be healthy... So para sa lahat ng tao dito sa feed ko... PLEASE GET YOUR FLU SHOT. Ayokong magkasakit 😂 Salamat, po! #mbkupharmacy #fahm (at Marshall B. Ketchum University) https://www.instagram.com/p/B36DPDSnaPL/?igshid=6u1elkfe55tc

[mariellejoy]

I hope in a different universe, that version of me is happy. 

[mariellejoy]

I’ve built this world in my head cuz reality tore me down...

7 years --- that’s how long I’ve been in here. But to be honest, it feels more like 10. 

Cuz I remember my 15 year old self wondering why she wasn’t good enough. I can picture her on the ground of her bedroom floor, crying her eyes out on the phone. I remember her belittling herself because, for the second time, someone she trusted made her feel stupid for trusting. And that’s where it manifested... the moment she started thinking that maybe she wasn’t good enough/ respectable enough for someone to be honest with her. That she was too crazy in everyone’s eyes that they wouldn’t stay with her. That’s when she wanted to not look like an idiot. 

And then at the age of 21, she was crying in her bedroom. Feeling dumb for pushing the person she fell in love with away. And if I could go back in time to comfort that girl with the broken curtains and broken heart, I’d tell her that he wasn’t gonna love her and that he never did. I would’ve hugged her and told her that she did what she thought was best.... she was enough. She was more than enough, but some people can't handle that. 

Because, instead of someone just holding her and telling her she was going to be okay, the thought that manifested 6 years prior to that grew stronger. It grew bigger. The demons in her head swarmed the place and caused a shut down. And at 21, she didn’t know what else to do but to let them. 

So now, here I am at 25... Feeling like an idiot because I rather push people away than give myself a chance to be happy. Because that’s what I’m used to. I’m used to people leaving, for taking advantage, for letting them make me feel dumb for getting hopeful. And maybe that’s why I don’t wanna feel anything or get hopeful because there’s a little voice in my head that’s telling me I’m not good enough for them to wanna stay. 

“It is what is it.” -- but now I’m starting to not want these demons around. I just kinda wish shit happens differently.

[sappy-little-trees]

Yeah um I already played out this confrontation like 10 times in my head so if you could stick to the script I imagined for you, that’d be great, thanks.

[latenights]

dating me is pretty simple. just text me back fast, make me laugh, and don’t be a hoe.

[otramexicana]

Facts

[stephonthemoon]

But also like make all the decisions about where we’re going to eat 🥺

[mariellejoy]

Traded her fried chicken for a white coat and a peace sign ✌ #whitecoatceremony (at University of Southern California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B10RcaJnIe3/?igshid=5aueoej1o5fe

[mariellejoy]

I had a cute caption about being ready for 2nd year, but the only thing in my head "toc-sauce-ity." #year2 (at Sequoia National Park, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1rNPeGHBmg/?igshid=x0ntp87rm8v3

[mariellejoy]

Elevation: High #summer2019 (at Sequoia & King's Canyon National Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1F9PVWH7qy/?igshid=1jtfk8ocxz579

[mariellejoy]

I don’t even know where to start when I say that I’m sad. Like I sound like a terrible friend for being jealous that my friends are happy. And I hate the feeling of crying over something that (logically, in my head) I shouldn’t be crying about.

But holy shit, I cannot stop crying right now. 

[anxietyproblem]